How do I know if my spouse is truly committed to recovery?

When you are trying to put your life back together in the aftermath of infidelity and addiction, it's important to "stay in your own lane." When it comes to our marriage relationship, it is very natural to question from time to time what IS happening on the other side of the street, so to speak. This is a kind way to remind us all that we need to focus on our own work.

Today, we are going to focus on a very short (not exhaustive) list of what we GENERALLY see when an individual is truly doing the work to heal after infidelity. If your mate is doing even half of what we are discussing below, you likely have someone who is trying to get it and do the work needed to heal. This list applies to both the unfaithful and the betrayed spouse. However, betrayed spouses truly do have a longer timeline, and in many ways, a more difficult journey. Many times, if it doesn't seem like a betrayed spouse is committed to healing, it is often not because they don't want to heal, but rather because their process is complicated and their timeline is long. Here is a short check list of things either spouse should focus on during their recovery and healing. Signs of your spouse working in these areas are good signs that healing is being taken seriously.

1. Consistency. You are seeing daily actions to prioritize safety and restore the relationship and damage done.
2. Not isolating. They are in a community of some kind. We need others. Wise people will be seeking wisdom from others. This could be group work, Al-Anon, 12 step groups, AR groups, an accountability source (recovery group or a counselor), and healthy friendships.
3. Spiritual work. The best way to deal with all of our pride as human beings is to open ourselves up spiritually to some form of a higher power. This is not an overly religious or righteous checklist that someone engages in, but rather someone who is working hard at changing their life. In the Christian faith, you will hear the paradox of "only the weak will be made strong," or you will hear "God is near to the brokenhearted." You should start to see a broken heart underneath the pain and the anger.
4. No more "NEVERS." Someone working a strong recovery program will not say, "I will never do this again." Be aware of "never statements." I will never do a polygraph. There should be a willingness to do whatever it takes to restore trust. Weakness and humility is the goal.
5. Transparency. They start to admit they can make (or have made) mistakes. You will start to hear and see clearer communication from your mate as time goes on.
6. Setting Boundaries. You will start to see your mate set boundaries. This could be in their work, with their time, or in their behavior. They will be willing to say no to some things, whether it be working late at the expense of the family, a hobby that makes you feel uneasy, or a behavior or vice, such as drinking or smoking.
7. Progress, not perfection. Someone who is committed to recovery will keep trying. We always say progress not perfection. Setbacks occur, and like a jagged bell curve, the work of recovery will take some time.

Remember, you are not the judge of your mate, nor are you in charge of the steps they take to recover, but this list can help betrayed spouses be aware of some of the main leading indicators that their mate is working toward the ultimate goal–healing.