Why the Wayward Spouse Doesn’t Want to Talk About the Affair "It is over, I don't see the need to talk about it." "It meant nothing, so there is nothing more to say." "It was in the past; can't we just move on and be happy?" "I'll never do it again, so why can't you just believe me?" And on and on it goes. Pronouns have a subtle and uncanny way of minimizing and protecting us from the truth. So, what is it? It is the place where wayward spouses usually hesitate, stutter, and start to get uncomfortable. As the discomfort and hesitation from the wayward spouse goes up, the frustration of the betrayed spouse multiplies. What makes it so difficult for the wayward spouse to talk about their infidelity? Why do they not want to talk about their affair? It isn't always what you may think. Find guidance to healing after infidelity with EMS Online. This course is comprised of expert methodology honed from decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity to better serve couples as they address the betrayal, reconnect as partners and restore their lives. Learn More | EMS Online One reason they do not want to talk about the infidelity could be that they are struggling to find or admit their feelings. They may be holding on to guilt for what they felt towards their affair partner and think that talking about this will only hurt their betrayed spouse further. A second reason could be the fear of being judged or misunderstood. As wayward spouses begin to try to process what happened and sort out their emotions, they may wrongly assume that anything they say will not be believed anyway, so why share? As the wayward spouse begins to grieve - and yes, wayward spouses often do need to grieve the loss of their affair (or specifically their affair partner) - no matter how dysfunctional or "wrong" it may have been, it can be incredibly painful to begin to talk about it. Any time an affair has an emotional attachment, the wayward spouse will often go through a period of grieving the validation, specialness, or tenderness they felt from that person. I know in my own recovery, I found it incredibly difficult at first to admit anything about my affair (or my feelings about my affair) because I was actually very saddened to have lost what I felt at the time was "the only person in the world" that understood me and made me feel special. Call it limerence, bologna, or a downright state of delusion, but those feelings I had were very real to me at the time. There was a part of me that did not want to let go of those feelings and another part of me, in light of seeing my spouse's excruciating pain, that felt incredibly guilty and that the very thing that brought my spouse pain had brought me such comfort. This is where it is imperative that wayward spouses start a program like our Hope for Healing course so that they can have room to process without seeing the pain on their partner's face. Another reason wayward spouses don't like to talk is shame. After discovery, wayward spouses will start to feel remorse over what they did. They may also start to feel guilt, sadness, and many other necessary-but-uncomfortable and painful feelings. When asked questions about the affair, they not only start to feel uncomfortable, but they also find their shame downright intolerable. For many, their secretive actions are seen as not just a moral failure but possibly the most shameful thing they could ever do in their lifetime. I say this because almost always, someone who has had an affair or addiction is disconnected from their heart in some way. Most wayward spouses have a very low tolerance for emotional pain and their ability (at first) to sit with uncomfortable emotions or feelings of distress can be quite low. I, for example, learned early on in my life that if I could be funny or make people laugh, I could break the tension of any uncomfortable emotion. Being funny or cracking a joke was a great way for me to avoid pain. While this may work when you are 5-years old, trust me, it is not nearly as endearing to anyone when you are 45. If you are the one that had the affair...please hear this: Every time you do not talk - your silence conveys to your spouse that you do not care. Your silence and hesitation convey that you want to continue a dysfunctional pattern of avoidance and minimization in your life. Your silence tells others that your discomfort and fear of judgement comes first, and this communicates to your betrayed spouse that you are selfish and will always put your own needs ahead of theirs. If you have been unfaithful, it is not an easy process, I know! But change will only happen if you commit to continuing to use real words to replace "it" and you start talking about the affair and most importantly, your feelings. If you are a betrayed spouse and are frustrated, I hope you can try to see what your mate's silence or hesitation actually could mean, rather than only see what it communicates to you. Please consider joining us at one of our EMS Weekends. We give participants so many practical tools to help them begin these conversations necessary for healing and repair. Sections: NewsletterFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Emotional RegulationHandling DiscoveryRecovery FundamentalsThe Role of EmpathyRL_Media Type: Video
