I can be a yeller. You know, the parent that remains calm, cool and collected and then finally gets pushed over the edge and lets it rip? Yeah, I can blow it. I’ve done much better over the years and have found a new sense of momentum, but I wanted to share something with you I’ve learned the hard way about yelling.
The fact is, the person who yells is often times yelling at themselves; not you, not the kids, not even the guy who cut them off.
We’re yelling at ourselves for doing what we’ve done.
We’re yelling at ourselves for NOT doing what we know we should have done in the first place.
We’re yelling because we feel out of control and our typical first instinct is to try to control things.
I typically yell loudest when I feel out of...
Often times we’re blind to the depth of our own bitterness or resentment. It’s seductive when you’re dealing with infidelity as you should be angry, and have every right to be angry for what your spouse has done. If they’ve cheated or lived a double life, to not be angry would be alarming to anyone. Sometimes we’re unaware of just how bitter we are and that deep seeded resentment can be rather intoxicating. The only problem is, when we’re intoxicated we usually are unaware of our actions and our mannerisms and we end up only making things worse. When there are prolonged seasons of bitterness or resentment, we can also then torture both ourselves and our mates emotionally. We systematically refuse to let go of our bitterness which we perceive as justifiable. The fact is though...
Lately, I’ve talked with several people who seem to be overwhelmed with raw bitterness and resentment. Now, there are a million slogans, quotes and catch phrases on what bitterness does and what anger does and I get that. Today I’d like to keep it simple and highlight one consequence of bitterness and resentment that’s not only dangerous but imprisoning.
Plain and simply put, bitterness and resentment blind us.
If we’ve been unfaithful, our bitterness at our spouse (or life), blinds us to our betrayed spouse’s emotions, triggers, consequences and struggles. We make it all about us and our resentment towards our spouse or others, for unmet needs or unmet expectations which then enable our own blindness. I learned long ago that if the person I think about most is...
For many, including myself, remorse came over time as I came to my senses and got healthy.
Immediately upon disclosure, I was sorry I got caught more than I was genuinely sorry for the damage inflicted upon my spouse.
I hear lots of times that betrayed spouses are furious that there isn’t any remorse on the part of the unfaithful for their actions. They wonder how they can commit such grievous acts of betrayal and not be perpetually begging for forgiveness. It’s more normal than you would think and it’s complicated to unpack. Yet, here are a few reasons why remorse may not be there yet.
In my previous post we talked about wandering away, over time, little by little. No one just wakes up and has an affair and ruins their life and their spouse’s life. There are reasons an affair happens, and then there are more reasons a spouse stays in an affair and refuses to quit. Left to ourselves, void of accountability and continual connection with our spouse, I truly believe we are given to wandering, looking elsewhere for affirmation and boosts to our self-esteem. Without a plan, we’ll eventually fall prey to some sort of call for our attention from somewhere, or as many of us here know, someone.
As I alluded to, we have to be calculated in our recovery, even after an affair, if we want to not wander again.
I can hear many of you already saying “...
It’s not uncommon to hear a spouse say, “It was like they changed overnight. All of a sudden they were just different.”
It happens more often than it should. We wander and cheat. Our wandering, however, doesn’t happen overnight. That’s the illusion; that the unfaithful wake up and all of a sudden we don’t want to be with our spouse anymore and we want to venture out to “greener grass.” It’s simply not true. Sure, one night stands happen all the time. Alcohol convolutes things and impairs judgment, but even in a one night stand our actions that lead up to putting ourselves in a dangerous, high risk situations are usually not in an instant but over time.
It’s a slow fade when it comes to moral impairment and compromising our integrity and character.
As an...
When dealing with recovery, there are three main components which must be healed and addressed. We mistakenly think it’s just about the marriage and if we can heal the marriage, we can return to safety and security and the trauma will magically disappear.
I’ve heard it a thousand times, “we need to save our marriage, it’s all about the marriage.” The problem is, there are two other primary components which must be addressed as well, or the marriage will never truly be saved or even really safe.
The three facets are you, your spouse and then your marriage.
So often we jump to trying to restore the marriage that each spouse does not get the recovery they need personally, thus putting the whole marriage ecosystem in jeopardy. If it’s just about saving the marriage...
How many times has the betrayed heard this statement: “You need to get over this and move on…?”
Once is enough to produce violent retribution in the mind of the betrayed I’m quite sure. To hear it time and time again is to communicate indifference, shame and to perpetuate the implication that you (the betrayed) do not matter. It further implies you do not have feelings which need to be validated or cared for and that what happened wasn’t that bad after all.
But we, the unfaithful, want you to get over it for a few reasons. They are not necessarily dignified, and these are both facetious yet delicately accurate. They are reasons and we are seldom coherent to what is really going on early on in recovery so we push for you to get over it quickly.
Here...
The unfaithful cheat and then they have the nerve to be angry….how does that work?
It sounds crazy, but upon further review it makes sense.
I was angry when my affair came out. I was a lot of other things as well: numb, confused, shocked, disengaged and disconnected. My classic reasoning system was “Well, if she would have been more aware of my needs, maybe I wouldn’t have cheated.” “If I wasn’t just a fourth kid, maybe things would have been different.” Lunacy, I know.
The unfaithful typically will resort to anger as a secondary emotion. We often times feel an intense amount of guilt, shame and condemnation and instead of sharing those feelings, genuinely letting down our guard, and being vulnerable, what the betrayed see is more and more anger and hostility....
Today is the 13th anniversary of 9/11, the worst terrorist attack upon our nation’s soil. From moving pictures all over social media, to commemorative speeches and ceremonies, it’s a huge reminder of what happened 13 years ago. For those of us old enough to remember that day, we’ll truly never forget where we were, what we felt and what the nation experienced.
Anniversaries are tough. The first year anniversary of D-Day of an affair is probably one of the toughest anniversaries to get through. Our first year anniversary we were doing very well. So well, in fact, that I rented us a suite at the Four Seasons downtown and we had a pretty wonderful time. I tried to do the best I could to help distract from the agony of the huge reminder August 26th is for both Samantha and me. The...
Today’s post is directed towards the unfaithful. I’m certainly hopeful the betrayed will shout a big ‘Amen’ to my thoughts today, or even show this to their unfaithful spouses. Having been an unfaithful myself, believe me when I say there are no stones being thrown at you today. I’d only be throwing them at myself as well, and to go a step further, it would be completely self-righteous to lay judgment on someone who is just like me, an unfaithful.
A concept that’s hard to really grasp for some is the reality that our actions (the unfaithful) at some level will determine what the future looks like. Quite often I’ll ask a betrayed spouse this question: “Are you open to the restoration of the marriage?” The answers are all over the board, but one thing is pretty sure: most,...
After my earlier post this week, I had some wonderful talks with many who are navigating through the fight for their own heart. As many have affirmed from their own journey, it’s no easy task. From underlying bitterness and resentment to blaming and even feeling justified, we have several land mines we must walk through each day in our journey towards personal healing and restoration.
Not to go unmentioned, as a few indicated, we must remain passionate to care for our spouse’s heart. It should be on the forefront of our mind and dedication. However, for this series and the immediate thoughts of today, I’d like to stay focused on our own healing.
Somewhere, sometime, we ultimately must cry out to get healthy and healed and free, for me. (Yes, we hope there is a...
Life comes at you fast. Between pressures and responsibilities, obligations and duties, each day carries fluctuating odds on how long it takes to sometimes lose it. I hate to sound like a downer but lately there has been a good deal of pressure I’ve been walking through. Finding the balance to manage everything has taken some work for sure.
To those struggling with the effects of infidelity, each day is a long haul. For the betrayed it’s excruciating with reminders, triggers and confusion. The task of finding hope can seem exhausting in and of itself. Rising above the roaring waves of depression to simply care for kids, go to work, or care for your self can feel like a upward trek that has no end.
For the unfaithful, their journey is challenging in that it also feels...
Several of my friends have had their kids transition into college this fall. From a large gallery of pictures on Facebook, to parent blogs, to a multitude of tear-filled conversations, I can tell you I am not looking forward to the time when I have to do the same. I’ve already had a tough enough time with my oldest making the transition to high school, and I know I’m going to blink and he will be attending college.
Transitions and interruptions to life as a whole are tough. Just yesterday I had a phone conversation with a woman who is in the public eye and whose life has been shattered by her husband’s infidelity. Her life, her husband’s life, and her family’s life will never be the same again. To say it’s a transition is to put it lightly and to say it’s a mere...
Pursuing recovery after infidelity is no easy or short task. It can seem insurmountable and exhausting on any given day and reduce you to hopelessness within 1/200th of a second. From reminders to triggers to thoughts of what life could have been like, recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. I believe that when you are able to sprint, sprint like there’s no tomorrow. When the pace slows, it’s about finding a new pace. I’ve seen over the years Samantha and I find new paces. Some were thrilling and so enjoyable; some were memorable for all the wrong reasons. Yet, in a surreal way, there was a pace to it.
As you’ll hear from both Rick and myself, as well as almost anyone who has gone through infidelity and has their head on straight, this is a long road but it isn’t...
It’s easy to find yourself hopeless and exhausted during the process of recovery. Let’s face it, this whole ordeal is a nightmare for everyone involved, none more so than the betrayed spouse obviously. Time and time again though, I find couples who are exasperated not by the infidelity per se, but the frustration of trying to heal on their own, or with a ‘one size fits all’ counseling approach. Let me be so bold to tell you that’s a recipe for disaster. With no desparaging remarks towards any counselor or pastor, rabbi, priest or layman, the fact is unless they have been through it, and are an expert, they will not get it.
I say pretty boldly that Rick saved my life and saved our marriage. Yes we had to do work, and we had to plough through the process (and my darkness and...
When recovering from infidelity, emotional flooding will most certainly be a piece to the puzzle. When flooding arises, chaos seems to ensue. If you’ve ever flooded emotionally, you know it’s excruciating. Many describe it as an influx of almost uncontrollable emotions where flight or fight seems to rule the day and our heart rate spikes at least 20%. Attempting to curtail this flooding with a simple “get over it” or “what’s wrong with you” or “lookout, here we go again” ensures certain disaster. It will only intensify heart rates, emotional flooding and instability and the speed in which things like dishes, silverware, books, cell phones or anything else within arm’s reach is thrown by the spouse who is flooding.
Flooding is real. If you’re an unfaithful, I assure you this is...
Lately Samantha and I have had several challenges to deal with. Most of them stressful and most of them fear-induced.
One of the most difficult struggles has been the idea of what will happen when this particular event happens, or when this milestone happens. For those struggling with infidelity the idea of being five months down the road, or five years down the road can seem impossible. Many of you are simply trying to get through today and there is not only a spiritual precedent for such thinking but there is a recovery principle of simply living ‘one day at a time.’ I get it, believe me I do.
When we are considering what we’ll have to face and what we’ll have to endure down the road (which we can’t even see sometimes), I’ve come to a great understanding of the...
While doing some recent reading on the parenting of teenagers, I came across an excellent definition for the word compassion. The word compassion comes from the Latin word ‘compati’ which literally means to suffer with or suffer together.
I wonder if we in recovery can’t take a lesson from this etymology and begin to lean in to the pain and hurt we have caused another? I wonder if we are truly suffering with our spouse in their pain and hurt? I can honestly say early on, I wasn’t ‘suffering with’ Samantha at all. I was self-absorbed with my own pain and what my affair had cost me and what my affair had done to my future, my family name, my position, and my destiny. I was also concerned with what I had done to my affair partner and her family. I was so disconnected with truth...
Just the title alone evokes a reaction inside all of us. “How dare anyone accuse me of feeling sorry for myself.”
Early on, I did feel sorry for myself. I felt sorry for my affair partner, my spouse, my kids, the church, you name it. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I wallowed in it for a while, but honestly I didn’t have much time to wallow for too long as I had to move our family out of state, find help for us, find a new career and get moving to provide. Believe me, if we had a stockpile of money lying around, I’d have felt sorry for myself and not done anything for a long time.
I really did want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.
It’s normal that early on when our affair or indiscretion is exposed, we feel sorry for...
If you’ve been on social media today, you probably know the trailer for the upcoming movie Fifty Shades of Grey has come out in a flurry of illicit excitement. I’m pretty active on social media, and to see and read the comments by so many is a bit humorous, but also frighteningly indicative of a gaping need we have inside our marriages for this sort of eroticism.
For those suffering the effects of infidelity, the idea that this sort of intense sexual excitement can one day be active within the confines of marriage, especially a marriage after infidelity, can seem laughably unrealistic.
I’d like to take today to share with you that it is in fact possible and available.
But it takes work. After all, what’s easy isn’t usually the right road. It was easy with our...
In my own story, the infidelity was almost debilitating to Samantha. Had our youngest, who was about 5 weeks old, not needed Samantha as much as he did, I’m just not sure she would have gotten out of bed most days. Yes, my affair was gruesome and altered our lives forever. The fact that I was intimate both emotionally and physically with my affair partner for over two years was ruthlessly difficult to hear and wrap her mind around.
I heard this quote from a therapist not too long ago and I’ve found it to be immensely true: “Most people can forgive the infidelity….it’s the lying they can’t get over.” What makes recovery impossible is the perpetual drip feeding of new information rather than getting it out all at once. ...
Thank you for your many comments on my previous article “Withdrawing.” I’m glad it helped some of you and always thankful when people go above and beyond and take the time to offer positive, heartfelt feedback.
Continuing with the conversation about communicative dysfunction, I’d like to introduce another form of faulty communication patterns called Finding the Bad Guy. Rick introduced it to us and we both were stunned when he described it, as it painted the exact picture of our communication early on.
We are experts at finding the bad guy. It’s a phrase that describes when couples allow themselves to slip into a pattern of attack-defend, find out who is wrong and at fault and therefore identify the villain. If we can simply find the villain, all will be explained away...
I’m a pretty outspoken individual. I was a communications major in college as well as a pretty ruthless debater at times. I made my living with my mouth as a pastor and speaker for over 13 years so I can formulate an argument in a heartbeat usually. I would often times speak openly in front of hostile crowds in heated situations, dodging fruit, trash and even spit at times. I’m grateful for all of it.
Samantha would hate to argue with me and hates confrontation. After 19 years of marriage and a ton of help from Rick and other mediums, we’ve learned a thing or two about our communication patterns and styles within our marriage. Samantha will also attest that she is not the best communicator when it comes to her feelings and her emotions. I on the other hand will...
I was on Twitter today, and read a comment in business which prompted a parallel question. The question is, “What is this situation making of you?” We could substitute the word situation for ‘recovery timeline,’ road to recovery, affair, addiction, or gut wrenching miserable life.. As you and I both know the substitute words are endless, and none of them seem to relieve the pain and trauma.
But we can’t argue with the reality that this ‘situation’ is making something of us. We reserve the right to choose what this will make and is making of us.
Years ago I sat with Rick in his little office and cried like a baby at how difficult and painful my life was. I kept saying how bad this was and how horrible life was and that everything sucked. I was in a new city, in a new...
The consequences of infidelity often times will back a person into a corner where they feel forced to take matters into their own hands. It’s not uncommon for someone to react in a certain way they never knew they were capable of. The trauma and pain of it all is more than anyone has usually had to encounter in their lives and any other residue of hurt and betrayal is tapped into, forcing even hidden emotions to come to the surface.
The struggle for control permeates both sides of the infidelity and either spouse may feel like they are out of control on any given day. The natural inclination is to take back the power and take back the control by any means necessary. To say it becomes combative is an understatement, and emotions are at an all-time high.
To introduce...
At some point, we have to look at the circumstances of our disclosure, exposure, or confession as a rescue. I will tell you, and Samantha will ecstatically echo, that my having to come clean about my affair was in fact one of the greatest rescues in my life. I hope and pray there is not another need to rescue me in that way ever again. I was on a crash course towards hurting more and more people emotionally and wanting more and more control. Samantha was on her own crash course of bitterness and resentment which continued to feed the hopelessness she seemed to be enveloped in.
When I was threatened and had to come clean, I didn’t see it as a rescue. I saw it as a total, colossal failure of incredible proportions. And, sadly, it was that. But it was also a rescue from where we...
If there is one universal emotion associated with infidelity, it has to be sadness to the point of grief. However, second place goes to anger. For some it’s a flooding anger which spills over into inconsolable rage and even hate as we talked about last time. For others, it’s hostility towards their mate, the affair partner and often times themselves for various reasons.
Anger is a part of life. It can be used as a defense mechanism when danger is close, or it can be a manifestation of love and concern which prompts anger to be part of the defending process of a loved one. A deeper exploration reveals that anger is almost always a secondary emotion and is actually rooted in being hurt, violated or betrayed. In infidelity’s case, all of the above apply. When we’re angry,...
Webster’s dictionary defines hate as:
intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
When Samantha and I share at speaking engagements, she almost always shares about how she really found herself hating me early in the recovery process. (I make sure she says that too, since so many betrayed female spouses attest to feeling the same ‘temporary’ hatred towards their mates.) I don’t remember her ever saying that to me, but when she shared her story for the first time on the site, she stated emphatically that she felt that way. I was healthy enough to not have it shake me the way it would have early on if I had heard that, but I really did understand what she was saying.
I had actual feelings of hatred for her too during the...
Initially, when infidelity is discovered, life is thrown upside down. Jobs and careers are sometimes lost, families are rocked like never before, children are disoriented, the trauma ensues and all you’ve ever known seems a million miles away. It’s in many ways just like death, although there are wilful choices involved which make infidelity worse. It’s like leaving all you’ve ever known or understood and being launched suddenly into the wilderness of insecurity, uncertainty and disillusionment - without a map, no water, no food, and like you’re about to suffocate every step you take.
In this wilderness there are beasts that roam throughout the territory as well. Whether it is beasts of outright rage or hopelessness, or the best of depression, they roam with free abandon. If...
