initially, many feel that same anger. you are absolutely correct: why did I get caught. good point indeed. but with many, hopefully more than not, they eventually find sobriety and healing and come to a better place of anger at themselves for doing what they did.

is there anything we can do to help? i get it when you feel stuck. the anger is usually only a 2ndary emotion though so keep that in mind. have you all been able to receive any good expert help at all? if the right help is found, you may be able to see some movement and some diffusing of the anger. but it usually takes an expert to carefully navigate through the land mine of the anger as a smokescreen for what is really going on.

unfaithful one, keep in mind anniversaries bring everything full circle. its very common for anger to spike and memories to come full circle when anniversaries are upon you both before during and after. it can take sometimes a month to regain a sense of normality once you hit an anniversary for the first two to three years. also, what help have you gotten? keep in mind, from personal experience, objectivity will never come from you and her grinding it out trying to argue you your way into her seeing what you want her to see. she just wont see anything you want her to see right now, and for a while as 1. thats hard in marriage without infidelity 2. she sees and hears all you do, say, or observe through the filter of a cheater. you won't be able to convince her of anything. rick told me one day, 'samuel, stop talking so much about your changes and simply show her you've changed. if you've changed so much, prove it. just because you feel it doesn't mean it's true or its to the degree that she needs or wants to see.' it was a tough statement, but it was true. i had to show her. when i stopped talking and showed her the changes on the inside, by actions on the outside, she got it. it was huge. also, may i kindly suggest to listen and hear her out and just leave it at that. let her unload. protect yourself obviously, but i would see if you can just hear her and say, "i get it. thank you. i will try and do better and be better and i understand what i've done to you. i love you.' and walk away. not in a condescending way and not in a rejected way, but in a humble way. it was a hard lesson for me, but i finally got there closer to about a year and a half. she will need help to hear what you are saying. she won't hear it from you. she'll need someone else to help her see that and may not even be wiling to see it now. when she sees true genuine change in you, it's then usually anyway, that they the betrayed will be willing to hear what you are saying. does that make sense? as a former unfaithful, i certainly don't want to pile on at all..not one bit, but i really just want to help. maybe the other betrayed here will chime in on this comment too....hope that perspective helps my friend and as always, thanks for commenting.

Deborah, I'm so glad you reached out for help. i'm sorry i didnt answer sooner as for some reason I didn't see the comment. my fault indeed. sometimes the unfaithful wont share the details as they are convinced if they do, you'll leave and there will never be a shot for hope or healing. most of the time, again most of the time it's not true. without the details, i'm afraid you'll stay stuck. it happens quite often that over years and years, if you never get what you feel like is all, you just can't truly and genuinely heal. now, if your heart cant take anymore, then you'll need to find a way to simply say/pray/meditate (whatever it is you do personally) OK, I have what I need and I am going to move forward and heal. I'm not going to look for any more details and i'm not going to try to find out more. by my will i'm going to make a decision to decide what i have is enough. however, most can't do that. hence the reason you read so much about needing details to heal. you need to know what you're forgiving, what you're choosing to live with the consequences of and what you are able to forgive and move on from. you'll probably have to leverage/weigh out what you're wiling to do. 1. file for divorce, get his attention and help him see you are not playing games and more willing to live on your own and deal with all the pain to do that, than live in a marriage w/out the details of what has gone on. do not do that though unless you are serious and feel like you can. never make a threat you can't follow through on, or else it only reinforces that it's a bluff and he will see it and run with it. 2. perhaps it's time to start a timeline or process toward helping him see you're not comfortable with this and that you're not willing to turn a blind eye and keep going. perhaps a separation, or asking him to sleep in another room. perhaps you going to simply 'consult an attorney.' maybe you starting to move towards that direction will get him to see you are serious. typically the unfaithful and bullying unfaithful like your husbands, will only change or acquiesce when there is the threat of loss or consequences. without that, they typically do not make changes or stop doing what they are doing. if you allow what you're allowing though, it will not change on his own. he will not 'wake up.' he will not awaken on his own. he will need help to get there. you should read this article called how to get your mate to cooperate: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-coop... tell me your thoughts on this and we'll see what you think or feel. you're at a crossroads my sweet friend. you really are. and you'll need to decide what road you have the courage to take. i'll pray for you, as either way, it takes courage to walk out this journey of personal recovery and healing for sure.