Three Components of Recovery When dealing with recovery, there are three main components which must be healed and addressed. We mistakenly think it’s just about the marriage and if we can heal the marriage, we can return to safety and security and the trauma will magically disappear. I’ve heard it a thousand times, “we need to save our marriage, it’s all about the marriage.” The problem is, there are two other primary components which must be addressed as well, or the marriage will never truly be saved or even really safe. The three facets are you, your spouse and then your marriage. So often we jump to trying to restore the marriage that each spouse does not get the recovery they need personally, thus putting the whole marriage ecosystem in jeopardy. If it’s just about saving the marriage, the darkness in me will never be addressed, confronted or healed. If it’s just about saving the marriage, then the darkness and the trauma and the pain in my betrayed spouse will never be addressed. How can the marriage ever be saved if one or both spouses remain in pain and trauma? It just doesn’t work. As many of you have realized, if one spouse is stuck the marriage in many ways remains stuck. It doesn’t have to be, but many times it does. My suggestion would be to get the help YOU need to gain ground in your own recovery. While you can feel powerless to change the situation, I would encourage you to take aggressive steps towards getting yourself healthy. Notice the word aggressive. If you feel stuck, and like the marriage is stuck and your spouse won’t take action, minor adjustments may not be enough. I’m not sure what aggressive means to you, but what I do know is that if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting. Our tendency is to just calm things down and get into counseling and address the marriage. Here is where we often experience colossal failure. We are trying to save the marriage, but we haven’t addressed the root cause of the affair, or the residue in our spouse from the wrecking ball that showed up one day and devastated their entire life. This approach is destined for failure, and I know it personally. I hated addressing my own darkness. I wanted regularity. I wanted the old life back. I wanted to find some sort of consistency. Without getting the right kind of help, we never gained any ground. My hunch is it’s the same way with many of you. I would highly suggest you look for the First Steps Bootcamp launching this week. The launch day is Wednesday (tomorrow) to be exact. It’s a wonderful program for both of you, or even just one spouse to take for their own necessary healing. I hope and pray you’ll give it some thought.
