Rick's Q & A Call on June 17

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) Mon, 06/10/2013 - 12:55

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Affair Partner Pregnant - Husband Re-involved

Submitted by [name hidden] on

My husband and I just started EMS Online June 2. His affair partner is almost 3 months pregnant. She just recently lost her job because of the affair (my husband quit in early April to work on marriage.) I want my marriage; he doesn’t know what he wants. He said he needs time to get his thoughts together and moved out. We are officially separated, though we do see each other multiple times a week because of our 4-month-old son. 

Now, because of the pregnancy, he is in contact with her and says it is a necessity – discussing what they are going to do, wellness checks, talked about going to doctor’s appointments with her, offered to be with her when she tells her parents, etc. Also, he is helping her look for a new job. He gets mad that I get hurt or upset when I learn about the time they’ve spent together. They have new reasons to bond them together and keep the chain of communication open. To me, the affair is happening all over again. I agree he needs to be in this child’s life, but he can do that without caring for her at the same time. Two questions.

1: Since we are separated, do I have any say in holding him accountable to his marriage? We both agree that the intention of the separation isn’t divorce.

2: Should I be tying up my running shoes and running far far away (I watched your video on relapse)? I love this man. I believe God can save our marriage. And there is more at stake with our 4-month-old son. But the pain of his continued selfish and hurtful behavior makes me wonder if I’m crazy for still being here.

Cycles in recovery?

Submitted by [name hidden] on
Rick, My husband and I are just over 3 months from D-Day. We are in week 6 of our EMS Online. A few weeks ago I was starting to feel like I was finally healing. The triggers and invasive thoughts were decreasing slightly. I was starting to sleep at night again. All things considered, I felt good and actually felt hopeful. However, the last 10 days or so have been terrible. Everything feels raw and new again. The invasive thoughts are back. The triggers are back. I'm struggling to sleep at night leaving me exhausted and not functioning well during the day. I have been trying to find a reason for this and my thought was that it was situational. A couple weeks ago we moved into a new house and things have been a little chaotic with moving. Discussing this with my husband, we have identified that this is the 2nd or 3rd time this has actually happened to me; I start feeling better and then it all crashes down again. My question is, does recovery happen in cycles or is this some sort of a self sabotage ritual I've created to protect myself. My husband feels that maybe I'm building a "wall" for protection and when I finally get to the top of that wall I panic and build it higher. Do you think this is an unhealthy habit I've created or is it normal?

The past

Submitted by [name hidden] on
HI Rick, I learned a year ago of my husband's many infidelites throughout our marriage and some during the years that we dated. I am curious to know how I should look back on the last 10 years of my life with my husband. Right now I do not re-visit the past at all. When I look at pictures of our past it fills me with sadness and anger. I was completely oblivious to the life that may husband led. I used to have very fun memorable stories of our wedding day, the birth of our son and so on and so forth. Now the stories have changed and they are not so pleasant. As far as I am concerned every memory I had with my husband was just a lie. However, as much as I would like to erase all memories of the past I cannot because much of the past involves many memories of our son and the three of us together. So, how can I look back and find any peace and truth? Also, I am wondering how I could ever know if my husband relapsed and started engaging in this type of behavior again? All but one of the affairs were non attached sexual acts that occurred with co workers. My husband is creating a very safe environment for me but the fact remains that he still works and probably always will work with an abundance of woman and opportunities for these sexual flings. How am I to ever really know? What are some of the major key steps in my husband's maintained recovery? Thank you again for all of your help. I

Repentance

Submitted by [name hidden] on
Hi Rick, What does repentance in an unfaithful spouse look like? My husband's affair put me in an alternate reality and I can't trust my own judgment anymore. Especially since he betrayed me once before (when we were still dating) and promised me that it would not happen again (and it did, after 5 years of marriage). He's said sorry many times and has done many things to help me deal with my pain for almost a year now (since D-day) but how can I know whether he's truly repentant? Thanks, Jane

What type of affair was it?

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas