I don't understand how my husband could think that oral sex with other people wasn't a big deal. I'm reading that his ability to compartmentalize makes cheating easier/more likely. How can he learn how to not compartmentalize his life/feelings now? I forgive him and we are joyful now but I can't imagine oral sex in our future at this point.

I am worried that the length of my partner's affairs will decrease my chances of healing and increase his chances of relapse. We have been married for 16 yrs, and he has been cheating for 11 yrs. I can't seem to find material in the recovery library to address this concern. His affairs primarily consisted of a seven year emotional and sexual affair, then a four year emotional and sexual affair. How will these durations impact our recovery ?

Rick, I read your article about Hiding in Denial. I feel that since I cannot completely believe my husband and anything he tells me as the absolute truth - and a polygraph is out of the question for him - I need to someone to help me understand my own illusions about what has happened and get past the denial I am in. I feel that so much more happened that he is telling me because I cannot reconcile his actions with his words. His actions at confrontation were so extreme compared to what he says actually happened in his latest emotional affair. What he says happened did not warrant the horrible aftermath of the confrontation, which still goes on 17 months later. I think I need a mentor to help me get past the illusions of what I believe happened and what he says happened. I know now that I will never get the real truth, but I am having trouble accepting that and until I do, I can't move on from the horrible limbo in which I am stuck. 17 months is too long to live this way and I feel myself getting farther and farther away emotionally. Would you be able to make some suggestions for a mentor? I have been through Harboring Hope, EMSW, personal counseling, couple counseling. All the therapists want to do is start from this point and move forward without addressing the past. I can't do that. I have to understand the past and all the things that happened before I can move forward. I have to feel safe. So any suggestions for mentoring you might give will be welcome.

"Fantasy sex god"
Dear Rick,
In week 2 of EMSO,
We learn the following things:
1. "Men who have affairs often don't value their marriage or their family as highly as their wives do. "
2. " The goal should not be about how the other person makes me feel about myself. "
3. "Ask the unfaithful spouse 'how were you different in the other relationship (with the AP)?' "

The broken spouse may have already lost all her self esteem and self respect by this point. She has been undervalued, humiliated, and disrespected. She has been holding together the frayed edges of a sham family life and pretending that everything is ok. She has been taking care of the house, the kids, the finances, and the full time job. She has to act like nothing happened at church, at work, at home.

1. Where is she supposed to find the energy (or desire) to make her straying husband feel like the fantasy sex god that he was was with the AP?
2. Why is the underinvested spouse rewarded for the suffering he has inflicted upon the hurt spouse ?
3. Isn't this an exaggerated fantasy of "pretend normal" that will squeeze the last ounce of life out of the hurt spouse?

Please explain the above in terms that may also apply to an agnostic.
Thank you.

In trying to discuss the items in week two of EMSO my husband and I have gone completely backwards in our communication. Before it felt like we were reconnecting and enjoying each other. In attempting to discuss empathy and remorse we have fallen into a fighting pattern. My husband says he doesn't believe that I need to know that he understands my pain. He simply says that it is the past and he can't change it. I am left with the options of either expressing my pain to him without any understanding or stuffing it down inside myself to deal with it alone. It is also interesting though at that same time he wants me to understand how hard it was for him being in an affair. I have read every article I can on how the unfaithful felt. I have voluntarily expressed to him that I understand how the relationship developed and became what it was. I understand the stress he felt while covering up his affair. I have even asked him to explain the good qualities of his AP to me because he feels that the EMSO course is painting her in too negative of a light. The struggle I am hacking right now is how can I continue when the expectation of understanding is one sided?

My husband and I attended EMS in March after discovery of 3 yr. emotional affair. While there Rick helped my husband realized he was an ACOA kid (Adult Child of An Alcoholic) Obviously it was a little encouraging as it does explain some of why we are where we are. One problem is, he has to heal from the ACOA but as with most ACOA kids, going through the pain of the ACOA recover keeps them in limbo. With him being in limbo with his recovery, it keeps us at limbo. So what do I do. While my head understands it, it just breaks my heart again and again as I/our recovery, gets to wait AGAIN! The second problem is he does not want to and has decided the weekly calls from EMS are too painful. So, regretfully, hurt and bitterly, we are not making weekly phone calls. Help! I am reading all I can on ACOA, listening to Mike Wells almost daily. My relationship with God is deepening and I am trying to listen to the Shepherd not the butcher. I want God's glory in all of this mess. Thank you for all you do for so many and have done for us. Many blessings to you and yours. :)

I would like to add that while we were at EMS, my husband felt some of the "exercises" we were to do and to speak in front of other couples did not really pertain to us as he said our situation is different. He would say, "our situation is different because the affair and AP are not the problem, they are a symptom of our problem. I have told you that I love you but and not in love with you and that I realized after being married 3 years that we should not have gotten married." So all the activities and conversations as far as he was concerned were of no use to us as we are somehow different and that I was just supposed to say, "oh, yea, we don't fit in this group so we don't need to do this or talk about it, so let's just move on. Suck it up girl, that is all I have to give, take it or leave it was the message I got. I am confident he would leave if he was not "bound" by what he feels is deemed by God and also does not want our kids in different homes. I discovered his feelings about 9 yrs ago when I sensed an attraction to the AP. At which time he confessed that he was not "in love" with me but that he loved me. At that time he denied any thing with the AP. So for 9 yrs I have been living with the "I love you but am not in love with you" life. Discovery was this past September with that married person I sensed the attraction to, and he says it was emotional and has only been going on for 3 1/2 yrs (like that is somehow ok? ) not the 9 that I felt something was going on. I do not believe it. What does God say about divorce for emotional affairs/adultery?

Dear Rick, Our EMSO group has been sharing resources regarding audiobooks on our small wall. A few that we have recommended to each other are -- Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends",Brene Brown "Men,Women, and Vulnerability," Harville Hendrix "Getting the Love You Want,"and Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages." I am interested in John Gottman's work also. However, he has written over 35 books and I'm not sure where to start. Which of his books do you think would be helpful to the affair recovery and marriage building situations?
Thank you