I made the mistake of going on a forum one time after I learned of my husband's affair where the "other women" were talking about their relationships with married men. Most of them had no problem with sleeping with a married man and while what they said disgusted me, I looked because I seemed to think I could figure out how this woman could have an affair with my husband for more than a year (maybe longer but he won't admit that) and never seem to regret a moment of it. I also tried to figure out how I could have been so stupid. I think of this every single day. how could I not have known he was sneaking out, not at work when he said he was, talking to her every single day for up to two hours or more. How could I have been so stupid. While I try to live life with my head held high, because my family says I should, inside I am in a constant fetal position. I doubt every single thing I do and everything everyone says to me. I don't trust anyone anymore. I trusted and I got hurt and hurt bad. I was made a fool out of for at least a year...three years actually because that's how long she says they were talking every day. I use to be pretty carefree and trusting and accepting. Now I don't even trust God to take care of me. When I let go of my need for control, over some medical issues, I thought God would take care of me. Instead, my husband had been having an affair and I found out. I trusted God with all of this and I got pregnant. I trusted him to keep the baby safe and a week ago I had a miscarriage. Not only has this shattered my self worth, my trust in my self, and my faith in my husband, it has shaken my faith to the core. So, is this a question? Yes...I guess my question is simply...how could I have been so stupid...to trust, to believe, to have faith at all?

By the way, I am four months into all of this and I'm not sure I can keep going even though my husband has been doing "all that he should" in gonig to a counselor and talking to our pastor etc.

First – my resolve to reconcile and heal my marriage is stronger than ever. While everything says DON’T DO IT! - I have recently been in contact with my wife’s affair partner – to the point that we hung out together for several hours. It was actually a relief for both of us. He shared with me all of the text communications between them for several weeks. What I learned about her was not hearsay…I read it all with my own eyes – a glimpse inside her sad mind. This served to further increase my empathy for her as a sick, addicted friend and loved one. She told him that we had not had sex in over two years. She has been promising HIM that her marriage is completely over and she would never ever be moving back home - that we were working together to split our finances and decide custody for the kids. Meanwhile, she continues to see her AR counselor weekly and participates in the weekly Beyond EMS conference calls. On the day of "that discovery" she told him she was at work all day in meetings, while she was really at counseling. Upon learning this, he was shocked and angry at how badly HE had been deceived. The result was that he broke off the affair (I am told). He confronted her with her lies and told her it was over. When she asked him how he learned the truth, he told her that her husband (me) had recorded and shared a phone conversation about her AR counseling session, proving she was working toward saving the marriage. He told me, “When I break it off and she asks me how I know she’s been lying, I will make something up so she doesn’t know you are a part of it.” But I said no…I encouraged him to just tell the truth. Everything for 5 months has been pure lies and deception. I refuse to be a part of that. After he dropped the hammer, she called me hurt and said the things that I do like this only serve to further drive her away from me.
Q1: Is this true? Have I severely damaged our chances of recovery because of this?
Q2: If he truly does stick to the “no contact,” how does him ending it (rather than her) impact the timing and chances of recovery?
Q3: How does her knowing that I was part of breaking up her affair impact the timing and chances of recovery?
Q4: If she persuades him into going back to her, how does that impact her decision to start the “90 day program”?
Q5: Finally, my counselor has told me that she will not commit to true reconciliation until she finds herself on an island with no one to turn to except God. Is there truth to this and would we be right to believe that God is strongly knocking on her door right now?

Rick - events are certainly fluid through this process. While her affair partner is adamant that he is done done done, he will not cut off contact, so we know it is not done. She has a hold on him as much as the other way around.

I thought bucking the coach's call and throwing the Hail Mary on this one might work. However, it's another realization that your literature, experience and "rules" are spot on.

I listened to a Q&A from back in April where a unfaithful woman asked about how it is possible to fall back in love. She quoted from your interview with the pastor of how a woman is typically completely out of love with her mate when she first strays. You go on to explain that the first step is breaking off the affair and doing the 90 day no contact. Only then can the process of relationship healing even begin. Did I understand that ONLY after 90 days is there a possibility of the cheating spouse "coming back"?

My wife's affair continues and she has not lived in our home for a couple of months. I have no idea when the 90 day process may start or what it looks like. What I am trying to understand and prepare myself for is...what does that look like for ME? Does she continue to live away from home for those 90 days? Do we continue to be strangers for these 90 days? Is communication with me about this 90 days part of the plan? Will I even know when it starts? Will I know when/if she fails and has to start over? Are there exercises for the two spouses to work on during the 90 days?

As you might imagine, it is challenging to continue supporting her recovery process if I know without a doubt I will continue to be an unloved, single dad with no spouse for (at the very least) 3 months. Please help me understand.

I have another question....do you have any articles on hysterical bonding, or the desire for increased sex after finding out about an affair, and if there are ways to continue that -- such as learning more abour your spouse and his needs etc. I'm actually enjoying this new found passion between us, but also within me. I don't really want to let it go. If you haven't yet maybe you can do an article on it. I'll also search the library for more info.

Hello I sent in a q and a back on nov 18 with my whole past so I hope u remember ..9 years and 7 affairs and hundreds of lies from my ex drug addict alcoholic husband. 2 in the 4 years since we found God and changed our lives. Well I am still struggling. We just did week 8 and I am feeling worse then before we started the course almost. I had such high hopes each week that he will learn something that can salvage our marriage . he has done every assignment and has done them well but nothing carry's over into our everyday life. We r stuck in pretend normal and I dont know if we can ever heal. I mentioned before I dont know if this is PTSD from so much trama but before we found God I stayed because I had a fear of being alone..co dependent.. No matter what he did. Now I still find the closer I get to God the higher my wall is getting to my husband. Everything he does annoys me. I have absolutely no respect for him and this week when it asked what I admire. I dont know anymore. I can't even remember if I ever admired anything or was I just in this rralationship because of partying to start and co dependcy later. After so much hurt the scars are deep and I worry I will never respect him. I dont think I ever did to begin with so how do u learn to respect someone who has destroyed your heart. God has taught me I dont need my husband to fill my heart so the more I realize I can be loved by Jesus then I have no reason to have someone who hurt me so much around. Yes I can forgive but respect..not possible. He still continues to show me daily that he can't empathize with anything not just affair hurt but things he does in an evening that hurts. I share and he defends his actions and Doesnt show any empathy. Am I wasting my time and his pretending this course will help him empathize or help me earn a respect for him that I never had to start ...I am lost