I know there is not much you can do when your wife still thinks there was justification for her affairs. We are going through EMS online right now and I am healed from this but still have the problem with the fact that my wife still seems to put a disclaimer in front of any discussion of her affairs(which is not something she would ever choose to do) to me this is a big problem for if she can in her own mind justify what she had done this time there will be little problem doing it again. When I mention this to her I get no response. Which tells me she has not taken full responsibility for what has happened. Now I know this could be because she is still struggling with guilt and shame she is suppressing inside but I can not tell the difference. I know so far most of the EMS course has been about healing the hurt of the betrayed which is me and was not really not needed by me but the time we got into the course but so far I have not seen anything in the course eared towards the unfaithful's release of guilt or shame or pointing out the real need for them to take full responsibility. We were suppose to have done lesson 6 this past week but phone problems kept it from happening but I have already gone several lessons ahead and still don't seem much I guess you can say it is looked at in lesson 8 with personal responsibility but not directly. I know there is a need for the course to be so much more to help the hurt ones and I can tell that from the other couples on our group but it is not the biggest need for us. If you can make any recommendation that could be of help let me know.
David

Discovery day was a little over 6months ago.
A week after discovery my wife and I did full disclosure with Ranger Rick.
The disclosure was broad but did not include juicy details. We’ve attended EMS and are doing counseling jointly and individually. I desperately want my wife to heal and have been very cooperative in answering her questions. I have 2 concerns you can address.
1. My wife has requested a list of every hotel and restaurant that I visited while acting out over the last decade with numerous APs. Do you believe that is necessary and healthy for her recovery?
2. Is it healthy for her recovery to ask me questions that give details of specific encounters with APs. When she asks me the details of a specific AP meeting it makes me re-live the event, which causes euphoric recall and leads me into fantasy. As I am triggered each day I practice the LIFE strategy to end the trigger and refocus my thoughts so I don’t give it playtime in my head. I believe what I feed gets stronger and what I starve gets weaker. I want to starve any thoughts or euphoric recalls of past events. I want to avoid the 1st step toward relapse, which is fantasy about how good it feels to act out.

HI rick,
I have read several people's posts on here regarding their deep sadness that continues on for many years after discovery. I am 14 months into recovery and also at times this deep pain or sadness hits me and I just want to weep. Everyday since discovery I have probably cried, tried to process, grieved and mourned, as well as finding all the information I can about affairs. Why does this deep sadness come out of nowhere like a freight train? In many many ways my marriage is better now. we have been seeing a therapist for over a year, basically since discovery. However, the pain and sadness are still overwhelming for me. Everyday I am still battling the thoughts and trying to replace them with positive thoughts and gratitude. I am not sure what I am doing wrong. There are many loses for me and I come to a place where I think I really accept them and then later I find I am still not a peace with it. I am not sure what I am doing wrong. Any ideas? I am very frustrated with this because I am growing very tired. Thank you agian for your help.