Thank you for responding to my past Question. Since I did not return home immediately after our EMS weekend my husband became angry. He was having cancer treatment and he again turned to his AP for emotional and medical (she has nursing skills) support. When we began our reconciliation after EMS he promised she would be totally and completely out of our lives. He says she was there for him when I was not, he doesn't want to hurt her again and they are just friends. I believe he frequently text her, occasionally telephones her and maybe has had lunch with her in a public restaurant several times. Since I am with him every day and night trying to be the one to give him emotional and physical support during his cancer treatment I am hoping he will in time no longer need her friendship. In my mind I have decided to give our relationship 6 months. During this time I am trying to be supportive of him during his treatment and not expecting very much emotionally. I feel he is still seeking her out through text, telephone calls and maybe even lunches. I'm having a very difficult time allowing this to happen without voicing my opinion often. He knows how I feel about his continuance of their friendship. Do I just continue to be positive and upbeat in our relationship? Do I occasionally ask about his friendship relationship so as to let him know it's not acceptable to me? Do I pretend that there isn't anything happening and hope that it won't continue? I'm finding myself falling back into that place where I was when I suspected he was having an affair trying to gather evidence every where I turn. It's a chaotic experience and I don't want to go there again!

We are at 12 months from discovery and 8 from our EMS weekend. I see this pattern of pleasing v. Loving creeping back into our daily lives. I see it sucking us back down, but each time I try to approach the topic I am met with defensiveness, often I am given the list of all the things my spouse has done recently that are loving (chores, acts of kindness etc) followed by a list of " unloving" things I've done instead of a complimentary recognition that I too had acted lovingly by doing or saying xyz example.

I feel like the old pattern of measuring love given &not received is creeping back in. Recently when I asked what my spouse needed most they answered "to be loved."

I feel like that answer indicates we have gotten away from the healthy definition of marriage we embraced at EMS and we are creeping back toward the validation love he was always sure he never received enough of prior to our EMS work. The thinking that took him to that admiring, sweetie that listened and adored everything he said.

Can you elaborate on how to best gently address this to avoid more defensiveness, or worse yet having to endure another lengthy monologue about all the love given that isn't recognized/appreciated properly, but instead in a way we can see we are simply momentarily off our focus and that I share the common goal?