Rick, thank you for your response last week. I wasn't able to reply before this week's deadline, but I wanted to let you know I've followed your advise. I went and got Dr. Burns' s book, and spoke to both my marriage counselor and my psychiatrist. I was already on a non-tricyclic antidepressant since July of last year, as I had strong suicidal ideation after being on SSRIs for a month before then. My doctor doubled my dosage and so far, other than some nausea and a bit of sleeplessness, I am more in control. I've also read your newletters titled "How to Respond to Blackmail" and my husband and I have agreed on our warning phrases and tried to disarm a flooding trigger by engaging me in higher level thinking... It's proven helpful so far, I get to review my med school materials a bit, and my husband learns something about it as I explain and calm down.

So far, the problem has been contained while I am awake and have someone to talk to. When I'm asleep, it's just horrible. On average, I will have up to twenty mini-nightmares that are either vividly replaying actual memories of the day of confrontation or every horrible moment and word exchanged in the weeks that followed, or sometimes they are alternative versions that are much, much worse with terrifying outcomes, or maybe just random imagery or sensations such as drowning or burning alive... it is at night that the problem persists because naturally, my husband is tired, half-asleep himself, and can't really help me come down from the panic the nightmares induce. I do take an anxiolytic before bed, but its only effect is to keep me asleep longer, and therefore, trapped in the nightmare longer than if I didn't take it... I tend to be a lucid dreamer and it's frustrating that i can't really effect changes in these dreams or force myself awake as i used to before any of this came to light.

I will keep up with my treatment, I won the monthly drawing for Harboring Hope for April, so I am looking forward to starting it as well. I am a little worried, because I am under an unofficial timeline to get this under control. My leave-of-absence from medical school ends in August, and I'd hate to have to give up something I worked hard all my life to achieve over this. I've already lost enough to my husband's betrayal, and I don't want to resent him for this if I lose it.