My husband has had more than one affair during our marriage.
Our D day was January 17.
He has allowed me to throw out some of the gifts that the last AP gave him. However, there are some things which he still kept.
What do you recommend regarding the souvenirs from the affair?
How about holding onto things like a blanket they used for sex in his office?

Rick-I'm wondering if I will ever recover and heal from my husbands betrayal. It will be two years in October that I found out he was having an affair. Soon after discovery my husband has turned into a different man and took full responsibility for his actions-sorry for what he did, always apologizing, takes me out for dinner instead of expecting me to cook for him, helps around the house, buys me nice things and overall treats me very well. I insisted on seeing a marriage counselor which he was not thrilled about, but agreed to it and we have been going for over a year now. Also, about one month ago I finished harboring hope. I can honestly say that my marriage has never been better-except for the fact that I feel like I am never going to recover from his infidelity. He has asked me more than once what else he could possibly do, and I have no answer for him except I wish he could turn back the clock and choose to not have the affair-and he tells me that if he could do that, he would, but he can't. I can certainly say that my recovery is in a better place now then it was one year ago-but I still am angry and upset over what he did, I think about it daily and I feel like it's going to bother me for the rest of my life. There are times that I think that if I just left the marriage, I could get on with my life and I wouldn't have to face him everyday and it would make getting over this easier for me. He keeps telling me how wonderful my life is now and it's going to stay that way and to stop thinking about that past. How do I put that part of my life to rest and accept what happened and move forward?

My husband and I attended a recent EMS weekend but at the conclusion of it he decided to continue with his affair. We participated together in the first Beyond EMS conference call but he declined to do any of the following ones. I have continued participating alone as the topics were clearly helpful to my healing. We are about to begin the Married for Life section and I am debating how helpful this will be to me on my own. I am hoping for reconciliation in our marriage despite the current situation and know that God can perform mighty miracles. My question for you is if it even makes sense or would be helpful to continue by myself at this point.

Hi Rick - I need help. I am the unfaithful spouse, and attended the EMS weekend with my wife about 10 months ago. Since that time, I've been on a journey of healing from my sexual addiction. In the past, I've engaged in porn, masturbation, emotional affairs with women, and fantasy - not just sexual, but also relational. This would take the form of evaluating women for attractiveness, then projecting on them my perceptions of their personality, what they'd be like as a wife, etc. This started at a very early age, and has been insiduous throughout my life. These thoughts can be almost instantaneous in my mind.

Rick, I'm trying to be a new man - I want to be a new man. Prior to attending EMS, I attended sexual addiction recovery groups for 4 years. Since EMS, working with my wife, I've put boundaries in my life to protect me and make me safe - for me, and for my spouse. I've been trying to bounce my eyes and avoid interactions with women, at work I've tried to be distant, courteous but not engaging emotionally with them, and I've worked to avoid situations that I know are risky for me. But I still continue to cross these and other boundaries - to either say too much to a woman at work, making people laugh while conducting training, or dwelling on how attractive a woman is in a movie I'm watching with my wife (even though it's a non-sexual period piece, where only women's faces and hands are showing). I feel like no matter how many boundaries I put up, it's not killing the root of the disease. And I keep having to drag my wonderful wife through it all, hurting her again and again.

How can I be free of the disease? I need God to transform me, and I've been asking him to change me, but I feel like I'm missing something.

Dear Rick,
My husband and I have been married 24 years, and he has been unfaithful most of those years, through behaviors rooted in him well before we met (porn, fantasizing, and emotional affairs). We attended EMSW last fall after his fullest disclosure to date. We continue to participate in Married for Life and have a much deeper level of communication, intimacy, and understanding of each other now. Though the road is very painful at times, we both believe that God is leading us to a new, amazing marriage.

The road has been especially difficult for me lately. I’m finding that I’m more often feeling highly anxious, stomach in knots, sad, distressed, disoriented, unprotected, and hopeless. Four months ago, my husband took a new job in order to end contact with his last emotional AP. Almost weekly since then, he has crossed boundaries he had established to stay safe. For instance, over the last two weeks, I discovered that he had not installed accountability software on his work computer, he said he talked too emotionally with a female coworker, and when I asked, he said that he hasn’t always been telling his accountability partners when he has crossed a boundary. These were all triggers for me, as they were indicative of his behavior as he repeatedly betrayed me in the years prior to EMSW. I emotionally flooded at each revelation, and he corrected himself in these areas. This is a typical pattern for us. Sometimes we’re able to work as a team to fight the battle, but oftentimes, it’s through arguments that we eventually come to a common understanding and goal. The path is often confusing for both of us. He sees dramatic changes in himself, but I often don’t sense that he respects the weight of the impact on me when he regularly crosses boundaries he’s put in place to stay safe. I’ve told him that for me, it’s like he’s waving a revolver around with the safety off. I believe he understands more, but I need help knowing how to stay sane when I feel so unprotected. I’m having trouble not being fearful and anxious. I’m so thankful that through Scripture, God does routinely rescue me from my tail-spins.

Rick, what does “safety” mean for us at this point? How do I gain a sense of safety so I can move forward in my own grieving and healing, avoid PTSD, and continue to support my husband’s recovery?

Thank you for your help!