After the revelation of an affair or other sexually inappropriate behavior, it's easy for the unfaithful spouse to make a series of well-meaning mistakes which only complicates the situation. Listed below are some of the most common mistakes we see in our practice.

We hope that this information will help guide your actions. Navigating your relationship in the wake of infidelity is overwhelmingly complicated. But you're not the first to experience these tumultuous circumstances. We have seen these missteps time and time again. If you can avoid them, your road to recovery will be smoother. If you've already committed them, it doesn't mean you should give up hope. In recovery, we learn from our mistakes.

1. Naively believing that if you and your affair partner decide to do the right thing and return to your marriages, that the affair is indeed over.

Just because you decide to end the affair doesn't mean the other party will honor your decision, or even that you will. The "break-up, make-up" cycle is a common part of an affair. However, you cannot begin to heal your marriage until you take a stand and absolutely refuse contact. Even then, don't be naïve; the next attempt or temptation to contact is bound to come, and denial of this impending reality will only leave you vulnerable to relapse. Prepare yourself for having to firmly and definitively refuse contact. Taking our Affair Analyzer can help you understand your situation and the dynamic between you and your mate.

For more information on ending an affair, read "Ending an Affair" - a 6 part series.

2. Leaking out information over time.

The revelation of an affair or sexual addiction is a frightening process, but one of the worst mistakes is trying to hold back the whole truth. Spinning the truth so your mate won't be so upset is just as damaging. Studies report that it is easier for a betrayed spouse get over what their mate did sexually than the level of deception that was involved.

The problem with leaking information is that it delays the restoration of trust with your mate. If your mate believes that you've laid out the whole truth, only to encounter multiple "oh, by the ways" or other discoveries, it will eventually destroy your mate's ability to believe a single word you say.

For that reason, it is best to lay it all out on the front end. It is never a good idea to try to control your mate through the flow of information. They deserve to make their own choice based on the full story.

Do you crave stability? Take our free First Steps Bootcamp and find a constructive way to share and discuss information. Days three and four, in particular, provide must-read guidelines for disclosure and safety.

This is your best chance to display integrity by disclosing what's been hidden. Don't miss it.

For more information regarding full disclosure watch the video: "Reaching Ground Zero - the Importance of Full Disclosure"

Also, you can read our 4 part series: "A Crucial Step to Surviving Infidelity: Discovery."

3. Being defensive.

The antidote to defensiveness is taking personal responsibility. Defensiveness is the number one thing to avoid when talking with your hurt spouse. If you become defensive, your mate will only assume you don't understand, and they will begin to turn up the volume.

During this period in our lives, one of my wife's favorite questions was, "How loud am I going to have to get before you hear me?" I always knew when I heard that line, it was time to listen.

Defensiveness, in a nutshell, is highlighting what you see as wrong.

What does defensiveness look like?

• correcting your mate mid conversation
• giving explanations, excuses, or reasons for your behavior
• blaming others
• bringing up your own grievances in the marriage
• arguing the details

Instead:

• agree with what you hear that is correct
• say, "I will try to find the answers to your questions."
• admit to things that are true
• validate their feelings and experience: "You have every right to feel that way."
• address misinformation in a separate conversation

4. Believing everything your mate says.

When people are hurt and in pain, they may say things they don't mean. Things change constantly. If your mate says, "I want a divorce," don't assume you're going to be divorced. If your mate resorts to name calling or trying to hurt you by threatening to take your kids, don't overreact. After all is said and done, there will always be a lot more said than done.

Warning: While you are taking your mate's words with a grain of salt, do not minimize the emotions behind what they are saying. Listen empathetically, let your mate know you heard what was said, and validate their feelings.

5. Living life as normal.

You can't go on living life as normal if you want to bring healing to your marriage after a betrayal. Pretending things were normal is what got you into this. Changes need to be made to give your mate assurance that you are taking responsibility for your actions and being proactive to prevent relapse.

We have had clients who continue to go to the bar or stay out late without informing their spouses where they are or who they are with, saying things like, "What are you worried about? I'll never do it again." Change comes from living differently. Don't just say you'll never do it again: take steps to make sure you never do it again. Show your mate your commitment to permanently altering your patterns by taking the Hope for Healing online course. This proactive step toward change can also provide hope to your betrayed spouse.

6. Trying to defend the affair partner.

It may seem to go without saying, but don't argue with or try to correct your mate's view of the person, people, industry, or anything related to your acting out. That will come across as defensive. If you defend the affair partner, your mate is likely to feel that you are more loyal to the affair partner than you are to your mate and your marriage.

7. Trying to avoid talking with your mate about their feelings.

One of the ways betrayed spouses deal with trauma caused by infidelity is by talking about their feelings. In fact, they may need to restate the same thing or ask the same question multiple times. Those of us who have strayed tend to feel that our betrayed mates are bringing it up just to make us feel bad or shame us. That's not the case; it's just part of how they heal. Answer your mate's questions and make room for their feelings 20 times if need be. In the long run, they will appreciate your openness, and you will have helped them heal while also working to create a ‘safe' climate for you both to heal.

To create a safe climate where both of you can heal and be heard, take the EMS Online course or attend an EMS Weekend.

8. Pointing out your mate's faults and failures.

Deficiencies certainly exist in every marriage, but now is not the time to address those. First, you have to establish the fidelity and stability of the relationship. Then, after the breach in the relationship is repaired, you can address other issues. Early on, the unfaithful spouse must learn to embrace the spotlight being on their own life before most issues within the marriage or with their mate can be discussed.

9. Taking your spouse to the same places you frequented with the affair partner.

One of the most difficult battles the betrayed spouse fights is the one of reminders. On any given day your spouse might have more than 100 reminders. Each time, your spouse has to calm themselves and regain control of their emotions. Taking your mate to a place where you took the affair partner will cause your mate serious pain. Honor your mate by showing you are being protective and care for their feelings.

10. Telling a lie (of any sort).

Giving your mate good reason to feel safe is one of your goals. Telling a lie, even a small one, only reinforces the belief that you're untrustworthy. As difficult as it may seem, tell the truth. In the long run, your mate will at least know you're being genuine with them, even if they don't like what you're saying. In the beginning of recovery, honesty can be substituted for trust, because you can be honest immediately; building trust takes time.

11. Not supporting your mate's recovery.

The psychological damage created by betrayal trauma impacts both partners, but is far more significant for the betrayed spouse than for the wayward. Typically, the wayward spouse will feel a certain amount of relief, after disclosure because the discomfort of living outside their own morals, values, and integrity has been lifted. Meanwhile, the betrayed spouse has been buried under a truckload of rubble.

Often, the wayward spouse desires to move on from the situation, but the betrayed spouse needs to continue to process in order to understand what's happened. This can be interpreted as an attempt at punishment and cause the wayward spouse to quit supporting the other's recovery. At some point, it may be very tempting to tell your mate to "just get over it." These words invalidate your mate's reality, even if you believe it will help you move on. If the initial period of recovery doesn't run its course, it can result in major future problems.

Betrayed spouses experience shame, isolation, and powerlessness. For most, it will take 18-24 months for them to stop experiencing triggers that hijack the better part of each day. Recognizing this fact and supporting them in their recovery not only helps them feel understood, but also helps facilitate in their healing. Let them know you appreciate the difficulty of their journey and tell them daily that you're grateful they are still with you. Encourage them to connect with others, and find support in a Harboring Hope group.

If your mate fails to get support, represses their feelings, and doesn't finish processing what has happened, then the feelings will likely begin to surface again in about five years. You are far better off supporting your mate's recovery at the time of the betrayal than living five years with a mate who is hurting and who will eventually blow up.

12. Failure to create and follow a recovery plan.

Your behavior and choices have brought shame and dishonor to both you and your mate. Your mate will likely also experience social shame because of the affair. If you never want something like this to happen again, you must be proactive.

In a survey conducted by Affair Recovery, 84% of betrayed spouses said the primary thing their wayward mate could do to restore their honor was working a solid recovery program. The program we highly recommend is the Hope for Healing course for wayward spouses. It will help you set boundaries to protect your marriage and also strongly support your individual healing. You'll find guidance, accountability, and growth.

A strong recovery program such as Hope for Healing:

• Creates safety and honor for your mate
• Provides an honest, judgement free environment
• Provides structure and support to stay the course
• Helps you make peace with your past and provides a way forward
• Restores your sense of self respect
• Demonstrates your resolve to be safe, change, and grow

Consistency and a strong commitment to your recovery will help establish safety, trust, and honor in your relationship.

13. Not keeping commitments you make with your mate.

After a betrayal, there is an obvious problem with trust. To re-establish trust, an unfaithful spouse has to be consistent in what they say and do, especially regarding commitments with their mate. It may seem easy for you to think a minor inconsistency is no big deal because you know your heart's condition and your intent, but your mate does not.

If you said you'd be home at 6:00 p.m., be home at 6:00 p.m. If you said you'd go by the store, go by the store. If you tell your spouse that you'll go to counseling together, then go to counseling together. If you said you'd make dinner reservations, make the reservations. If you tell your mate that you will not eat lunch alone with the opposite sex, then don't eat alone with the opposite sex (or same sex if that's where your temptations lie). Failure to keep these types of agreements, though small in perceived impact, will cast doubt on your integrity as a whole, making it difficult for your mate to trust you. Do what you say you will do!

It may feel like you have no margin for error, but that is simply the situation until you support your words with consistent, trustworthy actions. The only thing a betrayed spouse can build on your new behaviors.

14. Telling your mate to forgive you.

As a general rule, never tell someone to forgive you. You can ask them, but don't tell them. Forgiveness is a process your mate will have to work through. In many ways, it has little to do with you; forgiveness is a gift your mate gives themselves. It is far better to tell your mate that you hope they will be able to forgive you, and ask if there is anything you can do to help them heal and make forgiveness possible.

Do not push your mate toward forgiveness using religious arguments, telling them now that you've asked forgiveness, forgiveness must be granted. If you demand forgiveness, it will lead to resentment. Be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.

15. Failing to answer all of your mate's questions.

This is a tricky one. How much information a person needs to heal is best determined by personality type. Some individuals need little information before they come to the point where they believe they have enough information to understand what has happened and move on. Others need massive amounts of data before they feel they understand what has happened. For these individuals, what they don't know truly does hurt them. Usually, what they imagine is far worse than the reality.

One of the greatest gifts you can give is the gift of transparency. Tell your mate you'll answer their questions, however, you want to keep the conversations constructive. We have tools that enable productive conversations and create the space to stay emotionally regulated, such as the 24-hour rule and Time-Outs. Go to the First Steps Bootcamp for more information on these tools and many more.

For your mate to trust you, you must first trust them with the information. Giving your mate the information they feel they need is important because they must gain clarity around the history of your relationship. Moving on will be difficult if not impossible until this task is complete. Don't withhold the information that your spouse needs to move on.

16. Not talking to your mate.

There is more than one way to hurt your mate, and stonewalling (refusing to talk) is certainly one of them. If you feel your mate's reactions have been inappropriate, don't respond by disengaging from them and not talking. Asking for a pause is one thing, but shutting them out is another. Avoidance and indifference return hurt for hurt.

Both aggression and passive aggression are intended to punish. Both reveal an absence of love. Give your mate the gift of communication in order to help them to heal.

17. Trying to get your mate's friends and family on your side.

Approaching family and friends to intervene on your behalf in an attempt to influence your mate is counterproductive. Some of your friends may come on board, but taking sides is not going to support healing or reconciliation. In fact, it's very common for this strategy to backfire, increasing hostility and resentment towards you.

Rather than creating adversarial teams, we recommend you speak with people who are committed to supporting both of you on your journey.

18. Believing Recovery is Linear.

The journey to healing has many twists and turns. Each individual and each couple has their own set of challenges, traumas, and hurts to address. Believing recovery is linear will only lead to frustration and despair.

19. Threatening your mate.

The only reason for threats is to decrease your own discomfort and control the consequences of your actions. If your mate complies with your wishes, any result is only temporary and generates fear and false motivations.

Be supportive and tell your mate, "I hope you choose to stay with me, but I want you to do what God is telling you to do." Ultimately, coercion will drive your spouse away.

20. Using your children as pawns.

This mess has nothing to do with your children. They are innocent bystanders in this situation. Do not attempt to control your mate, or redeem yourself as a parent, by using them as pawns.

Trying to be the fun parent, buying your children's loyalty, relying on them for affection you are not getting from your mate, or treating them as confidants are all inappropriate behaviors. Not only will this alienate your mate, but it will also harm to your kids.

Conclusion

Einstein says, "No problem can be solved by the same consciousness that created it." If you've committed any of the mistakes above, you know the truth of that statement. Failing to seek help and naively believing you can handle this on your own will only prolong your confusion and pain. Trauma does not resolve itself.

It isn't just seeking help, it is seeking the right type of help. Relying on social media, inexperienced advice, or influencer opinion will rob you of the opportunity for lasting healing. Compassionate, experienced survivors who understand are here to help.

Don't piecemeal your recovery. The Affair Recovery program provides a holistic, flexible approach that integrates recovery for the betrayed spouse through Harboring Hope, the wayward spouse through Hope for Healing, and the marriage through EMS Online or EMS Weekend.

In recovery, we found that each mistake is simply another opportunity to amend that behavior, and show we can do it differently. There is always hope.

More articles like these are available in our extensive Recovery Library, and we hope you'll join us for our introductory First Steps Bootcamp or a leader guided course.

To healing.