Survivors Blog: 

Norman

Some days, everything can seem like too much to handle, and this can really take a toll on your energy. I spent many sleepless nights wishing, hoping, and praying to wake up to find that all my pain had disappeared. The pain seemed to rot in my gut and would then turn to anger, followed by sadness. Ironically, most days, the pain wasn’t even about the state of my marriage, but rather trying to cope with the loss of my “first marriage.” I was still married to the same person, but I was grieving the loss of the way it was. You see, in the months following the discovery of my wife’s infidelity, I did not realize I was going through the stages of grief. It wasn’t until later that a therapist I was working with said, “Give yourself some grace as you're still grieving the loss of your marriage.” I remember thinking, "How can I be grieving the loss of my marriage when I am still married?" At the time, I had no idea why some days I was angry, other days sad, and still others filled with denial about what had happened. The rapid cycling of emotions was a lot to handle in the months post affair and there were times when I didn’t know where to turn to get the help I needed. It wasn’t until I took the initiative to look up the five stages of grief, that I realized I was repeatedly cycling through the steps of the grieving process. In retrospect, I was somewhat oblivious to what “grieving” a loss even entailed as I was guilty of filling my life with work, extracurriculars, family, stress, and a nonstop daily agenda. A few years prior to my wife’s affair, I lost my father prematurely. I share this because of its relevance to the aftermath of the affair and how it correlates to grieving. Up until the infidelity, I had never given myself the time and space to go through the grieving process, and this includes the passing of my father. A few days after the funeral, I was back at work buried in tasks, working long hours, and staying as busy as possible to make things go back to the way they were before his passing. Work was comforting to me. I tried so hard to do the exact same thing after the infidelity, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t suppress the emotions I was having. These feelings and emotions eventually started to create a mental turmoil so severe that it manifested as physical ailments. Grieving looks different for everyone, and there is no right or wrong way with how you cope, but I found a great amount of peace and serenity when I finally understood it was okay to grieve. Affair Recovery played a huge role in this transformational mindset of giving myself permission to have these various emotions. As the betrayed, it's excruciatingly difficult to allow yourself the time to process while not getting caught in the memories of what once was. I struggled with letting go of what our marriage was and if it ever had any validity at all during the first seven years leading up to the infidelity. I questioned every aspect of my marriage and, almost seemingly at the same time, yearned for it to go back to what it was before the infidelity so I wouldn’t have to deal with all the emotional turmoil I was feeling inside. I can recall the anger, denial, and depression I fought on a daily basis. Affair Recovery was the first platform where I saw other individuals publicly sharing their stories and how they too went through a period of grieving. One video clip that really resonated with me was a couple who spoke about how “their second marriage” was so much better than “their first.” They hadn’t been married twice, rather they were speaking about starting over and letting go of the first part of their marriage before the affair. The toughest part of working to rebuild my relationship with my wife was learning how to let go. It seems almost counterintuitive, but for the longest time I was clinging to the idea of restoring my marriage so it could go back to the way it was. It wasn’t until I started to release this mindset, that things seemed to turn a corner. It is human nature to want to go back to something that is familiar as this provides security and comfort for both of us. Undoubtedly, I was trying to hold onto my marriage and refused to grieve it for the longest time. Subconsciously, I was trying to protect myself from the unknown next steps we’d have to take to build a new and better marriage. I was looking for safety and security in the familiar, but the entire time I was looking, it was no longer there. In doing this, I was stuck trying to suppress all my emotions and ended up in a perpetual state of fight or flight response. My heartfelt plea for other betrayed spouses is to ask for help. There are resources to help you get through the grieving process in a healthy way with the support you need and deserve. As a betrayed husband, I can say that as a man, grieving was particularly troubling at times. It can be very hard to express emotions due to societal expectations that men remain steadfast and strong at all times. I admittedly struggled with this mindset for a good long time, as I felt reluctant to show emotion as my internal dialogue insisted it was a sign of weakness. Going to the EMS Weekend in Texas with my wife was a turning point for me regarding my reluctance to show emotions. I was comforted to see other men that weekend who were also the betrayed spouse, as it often happens the other way around. It offered me a sense of acceptance and comfort, knowing I wasn’t alone in my journey. I cannot express enough how significant hope can be in those times of anger, sadness, and pain. It can be daunting at times, but my hope for healing pushed me forward each and every day, even if I hit a low point and wanted to waive the white flag. The Harboring Hope course at Affair Recovery is such a gift for betrayed spouses. I am so thankful that there is a resource like this for betrayed spouses. It felt insurmountable at times in the recovery process, but having this resource specifically for a betrayed spouse is truly amazing. When I started my endless internet search in the days after the infidelity, I found countless articles, blogs, books, and websites offering opinions on how to deal with an affair, but it wasn’t until I found Harboring Hope that it felt relevant to what I was truly experiencing. HOPE has been instrumental in my journey, and I pray that you too can find this same level of hope in your healing.