Affair Recovery

A man’s self-image is important. The world teaches us that men are supposed to be strong, courageous, wise, and unemotional.

I was a husband, a father, a provider. I was “tough”...

When the world hit me I hit back. 

When I was in pain I rubbed dirt in the wound and got back on the field. I didn't have any need for emotions (except anger). I was in control. I was respected and wise.

Or at least I thought I was.

Then D-day hit. I cried for days. I lost 20 lbs in a month, threw up more times than I can remember. I was...

Sex and intimacy are such big topics and it seems all couples struggle with one or both in some way. Couples that say they don’t struggle in either area are either the rare exception or more likely, they are not giving you the full story. 

My wife and I always struggled with sex, me wanting it all the time, her not so much. She has always struggled with enjoying sex. She can never seem to relax enough to get any enjoyment. In fact, our sex struggle was one of the reasons for her affair. She thought that maybe she had just married the wrong guy and that maybe sex with someone else would be...

Something occurred at work today that took me back to memories of life just after Dday.  I was a basket case for a while. Even after the worst of it I was still very much buried in the weeds of the jungle that is recovery. It was almost impossible to see anything but the weeds. I started making decisions based on being in the weeds.  Some days I would decide I was done, only to decide shortly thereafter I was ready to fight, then later that day or the next it would hit the fan and I would decide I was again done and around it would again go. Some days I wanted my wife dead other days I wanted to save her. It felt like I was...

One reason why people cheat is what I like to call “conscience searing”. Here is an example:

Bob and Cindy

Bob and Cindy had great childhoods. They grew up in loving families with strong religious and moral backgrounds.  Neither of them got into any serious trouble and both excelled at school. They met each other in college. They grew closer through the college years and before they knew it Bob had popped the question to Cindy. A joyful wedding and a wonderful honeymoon followed. They were madly in love and nothing would ever come between them. Things were good in...

When going into battle you know that you need to prepare. You wear a helmet and armor. You have weapons and shields. You have a battle plan and fallback instructions. You have team mates who will stand at your side. First aid is standing by. You have a train of people providing support and encouragement. Marriage is a battle. We are faced with enemies and temptations on all sides. Pornography. Apathy. Easy divorce. Facebook. The media. We could go on and on.

On the other hand, the world would have us believe that marriage is 2 against the world; all romantic balconies in scenic locations. Heart fluttering, breathtaking, sweep you off your feet “lurve”. The enemy wants us to wing it and to follow our feelings. He wants you to believe the lies of the world. He wants you to...

Jim’s son Bobby just spilled chocolate milk on the carpet. Jim just cleaned the carpets last week. Jim is very upset. He loses his cool and yells and screams at Bobby. Bobby cowers in fear from his dad. Later Jim justifies his actions by saying “I have a temper” “I’m just like that”.

Suzie is scheduled to meet her friends at church at 10:00 am. At 9:55 Suzie is still putting her makeup on. Suzie shows up 10 minutes late. Her friends know Suzie is always late and are starting to get upset about her lack of consideration. Suzie says “I lost track of time” “I’m just like that”.

Bob has been married to Brenda for 11 years. Their sex lives have cooled since the honeymoon period. Brenda doesn’t have...

Was he a better lover? Was he better endowed? Am I weak or too feminine? Why did she do ......with him that she never did with me? Maybe if I was a better lover she wouldn’t have cheated. How could she not have used a condom?

These painful, humiliating and embarrassing questions and thoughts running through the minds of husbands whose wives are involved with sexual affairs with another man or men strike at the very core of our being. I remember the pain I felt when I found out my wife had done sexual things with her affair partner she had refused to do with me.

Statistics have shown that most women involved in sexual affairs give sex in return for emotional connection. Most men involved with sexual affairs give emotional connection in return for sex. It has to do with...

I’ll bet you never thought you would see these two statements together did you? Before you close this blog and delete your membership let me explain.

Most betrayed spouses are well acquainted with the normal reactions after discovery day (D-Day). Shock. Anger. Pain. Disbelief. Throwing up, etc. Most of the reactions are considered normal to anyone facing a loss like this.

One of the reactions that I had surprised me and made me wonder if I was going insane. I was relieved!

Most types of affairs happen gradually over time. Not many people wake up one day and say “I’m going to have an affair today.” Slow, small, seemingly innocent steps lead up to the terrible tragedy. A friend request from an old flame on Facebook leads to clandestine texts and IM’s. This may lead...