wow....this subject is hard to read...I almost deleted it....brings up a lot....for a long time my husband accused me of connecting with ex's...talking to guys on facebook...chatting.....then he hid his friends list....then he would tell me he was going to unfriend me if I put up pictures of us together....then he did unfriend me....I couldn't figure things out.  HE said he didn't like reading my posts.  Months and months went by..his attitude had changed -- but there were other factors....cancer scare, job loss, financial loss -- I made excuses.  Then I found out he met up with his ex (who he was very serious about for years) at a party....then I found out they were facebook friends....as it turns out....last september (2010) he sent her a message after hearing about her dad's death.  From there they began to "catch up".  From what I understand, it started through facebook, conversations, reflecting on their past - what they did wrong - they were so young --  he said they weren't a typical couple...just the best of friends....but their "affair" lasted over a year...and I had no idea until the end.  I hate facebook with a passion for this reason now - though I'm on it -- but I know I'm not searching out boyfriends.  I hate to see him in front of a computer screen -- it makes me ill.  I know that after he was first discovered being her friend on facebook, I asked him to remove her.  he didn't.  he claimed he could be friends with whoever he wanted.  After the affiar was discovered, he created a different identity on Facebook to connect with her.  I think it is so very easy for people to hide, and sneak around --and their spouses will never know.  You can delete messages, conversations, create a different identity.  I'm not sure how long it will take to get over, or if I will ever truly trust him -- not as long as there is internet, and cell phones -- so many ways to hide an affair.   

Old flames are not the only problem with social media or with online discussion groups. The opportunity for those who aren't transparent to hide their messages and contacts from the unsuspecting spouse are numerous. And the temptation for addicts to completely immerse themselves in fantasy is also there. My husband joined a "Christian online book club" as part of an anonymous(intitially anyway) group that discussed several book series. He was part of that group for SEVEN  years before I found out that they shared private email addresses, phone numbers and home addresses. The bulk of the discussions were very, very personal and most of the other people in this group are divorced women. I found out about his online/phone affair with one of them because I was checking for cell phone use percentage and forgot to change which phone number first. I found thousands of texts( most of the time while he was working or I was working/sleeping) going back several months; only then did I check his email account. I discovered another account had been opened a year earlier and had only one contact, you guessed same woman. The dialog was very explicit, there were numerous references to the awesome phone sex-one specificly mentioned him being in bed- and promises to marry. There were also suggestions from her of how he could "hide" "HIS" assests to help "them" "later". We have been married for 35 years and when I brought up, in couseling, that I was concerned her motives might be financial my husband accused me of being crasy.

Now keep in mind they have NEVER actually met. That he tells this group he is sober. Of course that is what  he says to me WHILE (and the next day when he speaks of the night before) he is too drunk to stand up!! But how are any of this group supposed to know that when he can still write fairly well when he is too drunk to stand or talk. The only way his paramour could NOT know he was drinking heavily during late, middle of the night, talks is if she was also drunk. He is an addict and this group believes ( what emails I have seen support this) that when he does drink I must be driving him to it.     This group is supposedly believers, yet not one of them said anything when they flirted in this group.

He joined facebook and added most of this group to his "friends", including the affair partner's underage children and her cousin. After I discovered the affair, he still kept her and her boys as online friends for almost six months. I was shocked that the counseling intern we saw didn't see anything wrong with him staying "friends" with her boys at all and thought my desire for complete removal of this woman's family and very close friends(also online group particpants)was extreme.  Eighteen months post discovery he finally exited the online group. I don't know how useful that is since a moderator from the group(the paramour's very close friend) sent my husband a message offering to forward messages from his affair partner and other group members.

I want to know how I'm supposed to feel any safety what so ever?  He hides all his email activity, all of his facebook messages,and activity that isn't public. I know he successfully hid letters to and from at least three women, and he has access to a work phone almost 24/7 that the records. go to his works managers  only. 

For me, Facebook served as a way for my affair to be exposed.

To all of you........recovering from an Affair is devastating. Your mind is your worst enemy. Stop fantasizing about what "could have been".

You are where you're supposed to be!

Thanks for the article.