Q&A Do I Stand by My Husband When He Wants Revenge on the Affair Partner?

Submitted by Rick_Reynolds Thu, 10/22/2020 - 10:16

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Question: 

My betrayed husband wants revenge on my affair partner who was my biblical counsellor and mentor. He says that he must be held legally accountable for breaking his code of ethics. A few weeks after discovery he threatened to leave me if I did not join him in a lawsuit against the affair partner. I joined him but did not feel it was right. Five months later, I still do not agree but feel obligated to stand by my husband in this situation. My husband says that if I were to drop the lawsuit it would show that I am defending the affair partner. I disagree. With a deposition looming, where I will be questioned about the affair from the affair partner’s lawyer, I feel like this legal action is causing me to feel bitter towards my husband every time it is brought up. It is not helping our marriage and it is not helping me move on. However, my husband says it is very important for his healing. If he doesn't get the results that he wants from the lawsuit he will find other ways to satisfy his need for 'justice'. I don't know if it is my job to stand by my husband until his desire to exact revenge in satisfied. I don't know how long I can handle the weight of wondering when my husband will let it the desire for revenge go so that we can both move past it.

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am trying everything I can to

Submitted by [name hidden] on

am trying everything I can to show my BH that I have changed and I'm not that person I once was. He does not believe me and I feel like nothing I do is ever right or enough. I have told so many lies and there is no way he will ever believe me.
Let me ask, has any ones BH asked you to make the AP pay for their part in the affair? I had three affairs partners (years apart) and have said things to dishonor, disrespect my BH. He now wants me to initiate revenge (slash tires, bust windows, cause damage) to all three. I know he is full of anger and is scared I may do this again. He also thinks because I'm not showing the interest in doing this, I'm protecting the APs. IM NOT protecting them, I don't give two shits about these men. So many things could happen from this behavior. I'm so confused and so lost.
Our story Has a lot of childhood trauma on both sides. We have been married 23 years but have known each other since third grade. We grew up together, neighbors since 1982 and our parents are still neighbors. We have a long past.
I held my secrets for a very long time. March was our D-Day, even though he has always had a feeling and I would always denied.
I need advise. I'm not a good communicator. I'm still working through all my shame and childhood trauma. I finished HFH we went to EMS weekend and I'm in therapy. I have now joined the leadership training to help continue my healing and hope to help others.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas