I'm a Christian woman who grew up in church life. I had several non believing boyfriends who treated me well, but in my late twenties I decided to take seriously the scripture “…be not unequally yoked with unbelievers…” I didn’t want to be a single mom and deprive a child of a father. So, I waited until my very late 30’s when God “blessed” me with a Christian man who was active in church, and later became a Pastor. He also became an adulterer with an AP in our church half my age. For many years he lied to me and gaslighted me about the affair. Now just two years ago (17 years later) I find out the relationship started at or around the time I became pregnant, only 2.5 years into our marriage, was more intense and was sexual, all of which he always denied. Many of my initial suspicions were correct, but I was made to feel crazy and disloyal. I’m in shock all over again. Why did I wait for a Christian man and a Christian marriage for all this to happen? I could have married and had my child at a younger age. I feel I should have just lived my young life instead of trying to be a good Christian. The hardest thing is laying in bed at night with insomnia, while my husband sleeps like a baby. What do I do with this anger, sadness and disappointed towards God?