Recently, I shared a few of our most dynamic and engaging Expert Q&A videos from our Recovery Library. Personally, I love this feature of our Affair Recovery courses. As current course participants and active Group Leaders work through the weekly curriculum, the Expert Q&A feature allows them to ask Wayne, John, Leslie and myself their unique questions on infidelity. It helps us support and guide you on a deeper, more individual level. Whether you're enrolled in EMS Weekend, EMS Online, Harboring Hope or Hope for Healing, you're invited to send us your questions.

Today, I'd like to share some more of our powerful Expert Q&A videos. In the first two, I share tactics for setting healthy boundaries and releasing regrets. In the third video, Wayne discusses how to process anger and rage. No matter which stage you're at in your recovery, these strategies can be extremely beneficial as you move toward healing and restoration.

Question 1: 'What Boundaries Can I Put in Place That Don't Sound like Ultimatums?'

Q: I am the wayward spouse and have been trying to make communication with my husband safe for him, but it's an impossible task when he won't communicate with me. I am willing and eager to do anything he asks of me. We will go days, weeks, and months without talking. And if I am lucky enough to have a conversation with him, my built-up resentment to his withholding communication explodes and my words are truth, but my feelings and tone aren't calm. What boundaries can I put in place that don't sound like ultimatums? For example, "If you continue to ignore me or abandon me, then XYZ______." As the wayward spouse, I want to carry the weight and help him heal, but I'm tired of being treated less than human.

A: What he's doing is called stonewalling. The problem with stonewalling is that it sucks all of the air out of the relationship. In a way, stonewalling is a form of punishment. When someone does this to you, all you can do is show them that you're trying to engage. If you can empathize, if you can begin telling them what you think they're feeling when they don't talk, they will at least see that you're trying to connect.

I would suggest seeing whether he will do EMS Online or EMS Weekend. . That would at least help him communicate about all of this. I understand the problem with boundaries, but what I would say [to him] is: "If you're going to do this, it's going to be awfully hard for us to have a relationship. I think you would really like something, but all I hear is your pain. I know you're doing this because you're really hurt, but I also know that me continuing to try to get you to talk isn't helpful either. When you do this, I'm going to go ahead and walk away and enjoy our family. Just know that I'm ready to talk whenever you're ready, but it's not going to be healthy for me to continue to try to get you to talk when you don't want to talk."

Then after that conversation, go live your best life. Setting that boundary Then after that conversation, go live your best life. Setting that boundary and telling him what you're going to do leaves him with the choice. Let him decide whether to talk to you, and reiterate that you aren't going to pursue him as often is because it's not helping. If he wants you to pursue him so you can connect, tell him that you're willing to do that because you want to grow with him. It's just that the persistent effort you've been expending to connect isn't proving helpful.

Something else you might want to try with him, when you're trying to engage and he disengages, is telling him: "Look, There's nothing you're ever going to do to get me to quit loving you." The next time he does it, say: "There's nothing you're ever going to do to get me to quit loving you." And then the next time he does it, say: "There's nothing you're ever going to do to get me to quit loving you. Even if you're not going to talk to me, I still care." And, "When you're ready to talk, I'll be ready to listen." And go live your life.

There will come a point, at 18 or 24 months, that if he's still not shifting, you can say: "Look, you know I love you. You know I want US, but my love isn't enough for you, which is why I'm kicking you out. I know I did something horrible, but I can't fix you. My love isn't enough for you. You need something else, so we're separating."

It may come to that place, but I hope it doesn't. Again, stonewalling for 18 or more months is a form of abuse, and it's okay to call it what it is. I'm sure he'll argue and say, "You abused me." Take responsibility for your actions and remind him that you're trying to make things different, but you can't control him. When you kick him out, as long as long as you're always telling him that no matter how much he stonewalls — and call it stonewalling — that you're still going to love him. At least he will know his behavior isn't helpful or healthy, and that you're not doing this because you're angry but because you really care for him. You're not the solution for what's wrong with him.

Question 2: 'How Do I Let Go of My Regrets?'

Q: The last contact I had with my Affair Partner was 13 months ago. I've gone through tons of recovery work, including Hope for Healing, EMS Online and individual counseling. My husband is very passive-aggressive. I did the heavy lifting in it all. I would send him any text or email I had with any man. I'd even tell him any conversation or feeling I would have toward any man. He appreciated this and shared in our EMS Online group how this helped him feel safe. I still miss the Affair Partner and feel very alone in my marriage. We have children, and so we push on. My husband is unemployed, and we are broke. Recently, I discovered that someone gifted us $100 and my husband blew the money. He also had a hidden credit card that he racked up debt on. I also caught him watching sensual music videos, and he claims he's been doing that since my affair was discovered — he was quite defensive when I caught him watching one. What gets me is that all this time, I've been honest, and he's said he was so thankful for that, only to be lying to me behind my back through it all! I wonder sometimes if my whole life will be washed up in regret from staying with this man who has already gotten the best of my youth and of my fertility!

A: I believe it was Viktor Frankl who said between stimulus and response, between any event that happens negatively and how you respond, that there's choice. Choice is what you have to look at here. . It's really easy to find and blame somebody else for what's happening in your life, and to find co-conspirators who are going to sit there and support you and agree that yes, this is horrible what he's doing — and I agree that it's horrible what he's doing! You have worked really hard and sadly, he's not seeming to take the same path that you've taken.

You can choose to see yourself as a victim of what has happened — his bad behavior, his lack of motivation — OR you can choose to be a victor and rise above it all, even him.

Your wholeness, your completeness, your life isn't dependent on what he does. Ultimately, you get to be responsible for you. You have to be honest with yourself about how you are and how you want to be. Because the story you want to tell through this time is that in spite of the fact that you made a mistake, you did all these things and you grew. Even when he was like this, you still built something in your life that you're really proud of.

Suffering is really hard, I do believe that, and I hate that you're there. Being able to forgive him will take a lot of courage, and I hope he takes responsibility. You really don't want to focus on the unfairness or the injustice of this because, ultimately, whatever you focus on is going to capture you. Intentionally, you're going to have to:

• Focus on what you're grateful for.
• Remember what you're proud of, in terms of your own growth.
• Set goals for yourself.

You've done a great job of doing that, from what I hear, you've already done Hope for Healing, individual counseling, and a lot of work! Don't stop there. But remember, don't focus on the unfairness or the injustice because that's only going to lead you to regrets and resentments. It's hard. I understand that it's not fair, but you want to say that in spite of the fact that it was difficult, you were still able to get through this.

This is really about transcending where you've been and hopefully, he has enough integrity to come along with you. I don't know what's going to happen if you continue to heal and he doesn't. It might be something that isn't going to work. Stay mindful. Stay in the moment. Speak your truth in love. Hopefully, he is going to begin to take responsibility; . He may never do it as you do it, but don't focus on that piece. Try to find the good in what he's doing and how he's responding. You can transcend, and you can be the victor rather than the victim!.

Question 3: 'How Do You Deal With Anger and Rage?'

Q: My husband is stuck in the constant, "You hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back with my words" phase. He wants to belittle me and tell me what I'm saying isn't true. That's ridiculous. We have been in this stage of anger and rage for over a year. We have been to specialists and gone over our complete story. He's not accepting and often asks, "How did you lose your morals?" No matter how many times I give the same answers, the fights are awful. My triggers are the feelings of not being enough, not being heard, and not being valued. These conversations fire me up, too. He says I have no right to be angry because I did this, as if his actions and words don't have consequences. It's hard to be empathetic when you're constantly being torn down. I'm tired of the cycle.

A: Well the truth is, I don't blame you. One of the things I'd highly recommend is enrolling in EMS Weekend or EMS Online to help you guys do this a little better. You've done Hope for Healing, and you know that anger isn't the primary emotion. . It's most likely hurt, devastation, or grief.

We have seen couples stay in this cycle for way too long. As I read this, it doesn't seem like it's emotionally safe for you. It might be time to separate. You guys can do this pattern for years, and you'll just continue to traumatize each other — that's really what's happening. You've got to do something different, whether it's a structured separation, some counseling together, or EMS Weekend. You can ask him to do that with you, and he has the right to say, "No." Then, you get to decide: Do you want to stay in that kind of environment? Life is too short.

People get to be angry. Anger is not the problem, it's about what we do with the anger. Is it destructive? Is it retraumatizing to yourself or to the other person? Anger keeps you in that victim mentality. You know you need to do something different and know you want to do something different. You should ask him:

• "Do you want to keep this up forever?"
• "Do you want a better relationship than we've ever had before?"

If his answers are, "No," then you'll want to get some help or strongly consider a separation.

There's always hope. If you want to change or look at this from all sides, consider EMS Weekend or EMS Online. We at Affair Recovery want to support both you and your spouse in any way we can.

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