The effects of infidelity extend far beyond the couple in crisis; it also impacts friends and family as they navigate these choppy waters. It's natural to want to help, but what support is beneficial to a couple's recovery process, and what is detrimental? Here are the most common mistakes families and close friends make during their loved one's recovery.

1. Withdrawing from the couple. Taking a hands-off approach, like it's their problem and none of your business can leave your loved one feeling unsupported. Couples in this situation need support, not avoidance. Even though I was the wayward spouse (and I'm sure my parents were mortified over my actions), they continued to give both of us moral support. My mother became one of my wife, Stephanie's, best confidants. She did that through listening and only giving suggestions when asked to do so. Providing a safe ear for Stephanie helped her feel loved and supported since her own parents weren't involved. My parents offered to help in any way they could, such as keeping our young daughter when we needed a break to talk or just be together — to heal. So, families who care, stay engaged. Stay connected. Your loved one(s) needs your support!


2. Telling others about the infidelity without first asking for permission from your loved one. Dealing with the devastation infidelity creates is difficult enough, but having to deal with a betrayal of confidence only makes it more difficult. Betrayal trauma destroys the safe place for the betrayed spouse. The only remaining place that seems secure is potentially their relationship with you and your family. Betraying their confidence can ruin that person's hope of reconciliation and take away their last anchor of safety.
   
   

   Another way I see this play out is when friends or family members ask their small group or a prayer chain to pray for the couple because of the tragic news of the infidelity. You might think you're doing something good by asking for prayer, but in reality, you are breaking their confidence. Honor them by asking before you share the story, so it doesn't simply become gossip. Remember, it's their story to share, not yours. Always ask permission first.



3. Shaming one or both adult partners. Shame is one of the primary byproducts of infidelity. It can greatly impact friends and family. Shaming one or both partners might help you feel better, but the net result of shaming them may be the loss of a relationship. They need someone safe, not toxic. They need you so don't push them away.
   
   

   If you mistakenly believe that humiliation will somehow motivate the couple toward self-improvement or even reconciliation, you're wrong. Humiliation not only fails to produce positive change, but it also convinces people that what they've done is as good as they get. Rather than communicating shame, tell them you know they're better than that and encourage them to face the pain and start living out of their true character!



4. Forbidding your loved one's partner to attend holiday activities when they are trying to reconcile. This places your loved one in an impossible position. You may disagree with their efforts to reconcile, but it takes courage and grace to explore the possibility of reconciliation, and it simply isn't your decision. You might be hurt on their behalf. You might be embarrassed on their behalf. You might just think they should not try to "work it out." I urge you to not make their journey more difficult by making them choose between their parents or family member(s) and their mate during this difficult time. Rather than creating a barrier that's not your prerogative to create, model a willingness to provide a safe place for them during a time of year that can be extra tough. Treat them how you would like others to treat you if you were in a similar situation. Your kindness might just help pave the way for a beautiful redemption story.


5. Sharing your opinion without first being asked. It is natural if you are a parent to fall back into the role of treating your loved one as a child. Once upon a time, you certainly had the responsibility to parent and guide them. However, they became responsible for their own lives once they left home. Telling your son or daughter, niece or nephew, sister or brother, what you think they should do without their permission will make you an unsafe person. It will rob them of one of the final places where they can feel loved and accepted. So, whether you are their parent, sibling, aunt/uncle or friend, ask permission before sharing your opinion. Be the safe sounding board they seek.


6. Being disrespectful to either party. Treating either person in the troubled marriage disrespectfully can damage your relationship with either or both of them. The odds are that they are struggling with self-respect and need someone to treat them with regard. Being respectful not only helps them respect themselves but allows you to be a positive influence in their recovery.


7. Failing to ask how you can be supportive. Couples who are attempting to reconcile have a lot of individual and couple work to do. One of the most helpful things you can do is ask how you can be supportive.
   
   

   My parents offered to keep our daughter when Stephanie and I needed to travel out of town for a conference. That support was invaluable. At that conference, we met the couple who was able to walk us through the recovery process. I don't know how we would have survived if it hadn't been for my parents sacrificing their time to support us.



8. Being TOO involved. While withdrawing can be bad, being over involved in your loved one's recovery can be just as damaging. Infidelity is all about boundary violations, and recovery involves learning how to establish safe boundaries once again. If you fail to honor either or both people's boundaries, there are two common adverse outcomes.
   
   
   1. It reinforces that the boundaries are meaningless and
   
   
   2. It promotes a dependency on you rather than helping them learn to be independent and make productive and good decisions.
   
   

   Show them their boundaries matter by respecting them in a way that feels like respect and love to them. If they ask for you not to call after a certain time, not to come over unannounced, or not to bring certain things up, your ability to honor their boundaries will ultimately strengthen your relationship with them and help them recover faster! Failure to honor their boundaries only adds to the pain of feeling violated by someone they hold dear.



9. Shunning the wayward spouse, even if there's recovery work happening. It takes great humility and dedication to admit you have a problem and enter recovery. You may not be happy with what they've done. You may think you could never forgive someone for "doing that," but I admire someone who's repentant, grieved over what they've done, and working to never be that other person again. That response is far better than holding a grudge or judging them forever. When someone's working at becoming a better person, it gives their children (if they have children) an opportunity for a better life. It gives them a model of how to work on your own shortcomings, while being a good mom and dad.


10. Blaming the betrayed spouse for the infidelity. Doing this only adds insult to injury. Certainly, marriages aren't perfect, but many other factors contribute to infidelity. The health of the marriage relationship might take a third of the responsibility, but to blame the betrayed spouse for the bad decisions of the wayward spouse is allowing the wayward spouse to avoid looking at themselves and taking responsibility for what's at the core of their own actions.
    
    

    Try to stay neutral. Encourage both parties to get help. Suggest they go through a recovery program such as EMSO, Harboring Hope, or Hope for Healing. Please don't point out what they did wrong, rather, communicate that you care and point them to where they can go to find healing.



11. Telling the hurt spouse they need to forgive the wayward NOW.
    

    Forgiveness is a process rather than a simple decision. The ramifications of betrayal trauma can manifest themselves for years to come. Each time traumatic memories come to mind, the betrayed spouse has to forgive the wayward once again. It's easier said than done! If you want to encourage forgiveness, give them tools that can help. Encourage them to attend an EMS weekend or take the EMS online. Being with others working at forgiving is helpful, but trying to force someone to forgive doesn't work. Be present and patient in your loved one's recovery process. It's a marathon. Not a sprint.



12. Pressuring for reconciliation or pressuring for separation. If you do the right thing for the wrong reason, you end up at the wrong place. You do not want the motivation of the couple to be based on the pressure that you're applying. If they care about your opinion, the pressure you put on them may work, but over time, your pressure isn't sufficient to sustain transformation, and if they do what you say and things don't work out, or they later have regrets, you'll be the bad guy. Support them in getting the correct type of help; they will grow and learn how to make healthy decisions—whether the marriage is saved or not. Give them a safe space. Don't pressure them.


13. Failure to validate their emotions. Few things are more painful than having a parent or a loved one invalidate your feelings. We need to be seen and to feel that someone cares. Validating your loved one's emotions is one of the simple ways to let them know that they matter to you. On the other hand, telling them they're overreacting rather than validating what they're feeling leaves them feeling disconnected from you. They may not respond how you believe you would react given the same circumstances, but you don't know unless you go through the same exact thing. Remember, emotions are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Validate their feelings; be a safe person.


14. Minimizing the betrayal and/or getting frustrated with the couple because it's taking longer for them to recover then you think it should: Attempting to control someone's reactions by telling them it's not a big deal is a form of gaslighting. It's also their timeline, not yours. Betrayal is a life-shattering experience, and your depreciation of what's happened may delay them getting the help they need.
    
    

    If you want to help, encourage them to do whatever it takes to heal. Ask if It's okay for you to suggest resources. Offer to pay for EMS weekend or EMS online if you can, or suggest they apply for a scholarship. If their mate isn't involved, suggest they take Harboring Hope (for betrayed or hurt spouses) or Hope for Healing (for wayward spouses). Community is critical in expediting healing.

    If a couple is doing the right type of work to heal from the betrayal, recovery will take, on average, 18 to 24 months. If they're not getting the right type of help, it can take 3 to 5 years. Getting frustrated with them because it's taking longer than you think will only make them avoid you because they don't trust your judgment.

For most of us, the two most significant attachments in our lives are family of origin and the marriage relationship. When a marriage is impacted by infidelity, the family of origin generally will be a significant part of the healing process. Unless they're not. The family of origin can be unknowingly detrimental to the process.

If you're a family member or close friend of someone going through the aftermath of an affair, consider the points above and work to support your loved one's healing. Educate yourself regarding what they're going through. Affair Recovery Library has the largest database of articles in the world regarding infidelity. Take advantage of that resource to better understand what they're going through.

Your support can be instrumental in helping your loved one return to joy and live a life of meaning and purpose.

To Healing,
Rick