Ending an affair requires more than a decision. If there is another person involved, the bridge to that relationship absolutely needs to be burned.

Last week I said the first step to ending an affair was making an irreversible decision that it was over. The next step is closing the door. I shared the above example because if there's an attachment it may not come easily, you may even feel panicked. Ending a relationship may require breaking an attachment which is going to hurt, but failure to shatter that bond anchors you, your mate and your affair partner to misery for years to come.

How to Close The Door:
Use clear and concise communication.

Take responsibility for the decision to end the affair:

The affair is your responsibility not your mate's. You made the choices that led to the affair and it has to be your decision to end it. Let your affair partner clearly know it's over but in a way that is safe for your mate. If you're not the one closing the door it's too easy to open it back up. Your mate may be demanding you end the affair, and you should, but it must be because it's what you're choosing, not because they want you to. Playing the victim and blaming your mate or family for ending the affair only paves the pathway right back to your AP.

Be clear that it's over:

There can be no wiggle room. Saying, "I really want to be with you, but I need to do the right thing" isn't shutting the door. It conveys a desire to continue and encourages the affair partner to hang on. While you may be doubtful or even convinced the marriage can't work you've already made the irreversible decision to end the affair. Say it loud and say it clear. "This is over."

Over means over:

Let them know that over means no contact whatsoever. It may be tempting to lessen the pain by suggesting you can still be friends. Morphing the affair into "just friends" isn't closing the door; it's leaving it half open for the breeze to flow through.

Speak in the first person:

"I'm ending this relationship." Don't try and soften the blow by using the word we. If it's up to "us" to end this relationship then a covert alliance is maintained between the two of you and the door is left open to see how "we" are doing. They don't have to agree, in fact they probably won't agree. If they genuinely care about you and if you care about them, disappointment, hurt and anger will abound. But there's no other way. In affairs we promise things that others have first rights to, and when the illusion ends a harsh reality sets in.

Be clear about whom you owe what:

Ending an affair is messy and wounded souls abound in the aftermath of an affair, but your affair partner isn't the victim. If they knew you were married then they at least had the opportunity to make a choice to enter the relationship. Your mate had no choice in the matter (even if you felt they didn't want the marriage anymore, unless you asked for permission they had no choice).

You can't end an affair by continuing to play "knight in shining armor." If you feel your decision places them at risk of self-harm then hand them off to someone who can help them by calling 911. Clearly communicate that you realize the damage you've done to your mate and family and that it's over. Let them know where your loyalties lie and that you're going to do all you can to help your family heal.

Set clear boundaries:

Clearly state that you want no contact and how you will respond if they attempt to reach you. Let them know you will not respond or that your mate will respond. Don't be naïve, your affair partner will most likely try to make contact, and for most there's a part of us that hopes they will. Letting them know up front how you will respond helps them understand that you're serious about ending the relationship.

Vehicles for communicating it's over:

If you've made an irreversible decision to end the affair, don't set yourself up for failure while closing the door. Using email or phone is far safer than having a face-to-face meeting. When ending my affair I knew it was impossible to meet face to face with my affair partner. I couldn't trust myself to maintain my new resolve if we were to sit and talk about it. My decision wasn't about her, it was about what I knew was best, and I didn't need her permission or agreement. More than likely the strong feelings generated by our relationship would have once again corroded my resolve and resulted in continuing the relationship.

Staying Free (Avoiding Relapse)

We don't fall back into the affair because we're weak, we fall back because we're prideful and we put ourselves in situations we think we can handle. I've never had anyone relapse because they're weak; we only relapse when we think we can do things such as meet in person to say goodbye. Don't be deceived, even if there is a part of you that wants out of the relationship, there is also another part of you that still wants the relationship. That is part of the struggle that comes from being human. Don't underestimate the strength of the attachment with your affair partner. Assuming you're too weak to handle meeting face to face will allow the door to be shut completely.

Involving Your Spouse

If at all possible, have your mate involved in the final communication. If it's a phone call let your mate be on the other line to hear what you say. If it's an email copy them on the communication.

Say what you have to say and no more. You're making this call or sending this email to let them know what you're doing about the relationship and how you're going to proceed from this time forward. Feeling guilt for the pain you've caused them by your choices is appropriate, but the point where you hurt them isn't telling them it's over, the point you wounded them occurred when you became involved with them in the first place.

An example of such communication might look something like this:

The Best Response is No Response

Some relationships have already died and there's no need to say it's over. If discovery happens after the affair has ended and there hasn't been contact for a number of months or if it was just a one-night stand then let sleeping dogs lie. The best way to end a relationship is no response. If the affair partner reaches out and even gets a negative response it still increases the likelihood of further communication. Negative attention is still attention.

Finally, closing the door to a relationship can be complicated and for various reasons what I've suggested may not work in every situation. If you feel your situation is an exception to the above mentioned guidelines then talk with an expert who can help develop a healthy strategy for ending the affair. I'd encourage you to sign up for our Hope for Healing course for the unfaithful spouse. You'll be happy to know we have both men and women's groups, safe not only for you and your pain, but also for your relapse prevention.

Next week, we'll be discussing how to lock the door after you've shut the door.