Ending an Affair: Lock the Door Part 2 Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decision Close the Door Lock the Door – Part 1 Lock the Door - Part 2 Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On Last week we talked about why locking the door is absolutely necessary in recovery. This week I'm going to tell you how to lock the door. If you fail to plan, you've intrinsically planned to fail. Recovery is not for the faint of heart. To succeed over the long haul, you'll need to create a plan for yourself and your marriage to be prepared when a tempting situation arises. Remember, even on your best day you are still most likely only 60 percent sure change is what you want. Make sure you do not fall victim to easily avoidable traps by using this guide to lock the door once and for all. What's The Right Motivation: The first key to locking the door is possessing the right motivation. Closing the door for the sake of your marriage is rarely enough motivation to keep the door shut. When someone comes in asking for help ending an affair, I ask why they want to end it. If they tell me because they want to save their marriage, I usually tell them that's not going to be enough. It's going to take time and effort ending an affair, and somewhere between now and 24 months from now, they may not even care if their mate divorces them. In fact they're probably going to want to divorce their mate at some point in the midst of the emotional turmoil, so why would they stay the course? Locking the door takes internal motivation. It's something that has to be done for self and, if you subscribe to faith, for God. Whatever the reason, it needs to be well thought out and recorded to serve as a reminder of why you locked the door and why opening it serves no good purpose for you, your marriage and your future. Having A Plan: It's naive to believe you won't try to reopen that door. Without a plan on how to keep the door locked it won't be long till it swings open. Failure to preplan our response leaves us like a construction worker on a job site without a hard hat. Predetermine how you'll respond in every conceivable situation. When locking the door I generally have my clients write a list of 20 "what if's" where others or self might try to open the door. For example: "What if my affair partner leaves a note on my car at work? I won't open it; instead I'll take it home to my wife and let her open it. We'll decide together how to respond." "What if my affair partner sends me a text using someone else's phone? I'll forward the text to my mate and we'll decide together how or if we're going to respond." "What if I have an argument with my mate and begin to long for the approval of my AP? I'll go for a 20 minute walk and recite memorized text, leaving my phone at home. When I return, I'll talk to a safe person." "What if something triggers a memory of my AP and I want to text them to check in? Instead I'll text my spouse 5 reasons I appreciate them, or I'll call a friend who is safe and stay accountable to them." Let it Die: It's common for the affair partner to occasionally reach out to see how you're doing. I call that fishing with a lure. They cast the lure to see if you'll bite. To keep that door locked you don't want to respond. In fact you want to act like nobody is home. Not rising to the bait causes them to eventually move on to a different fishing hole. If you keep unlocking the door to respond, you keep the game alive and only increase the probability of relapse. Avoiding Self Sabotage: One form of self-sabotage is continually asking new people for their advice. Remember there are two sides to each of us. When the healthy part of us locks the door, the other part looks for an excuse to open that door. Through the years I've seen countless people ask advice from others who are far less experienced in an attempt to find someone who will tell them it is okay to reopen that door. Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the stew. Once your course is set, surround yourself with others who are walking a similar path and will encourage you to stay the course even on days you don't want to. Fill the Void: Those of us who've been involved in an affair understand the high associated with that relationship. Closing that door leads to withdrawal and intense personal pain. Betrayed spouses, I know this is hard to hear, but it's the truth. An affair is an addiction, and withdrawal pains are very real for your mate. To keep from reopening the door, the time previously consumed by that relationship needs to be replaced with something healthy. Instead of texting the affair partner, find other same-sex individuals like yourself who also need someone new to text. Recovery groups and those supportive relationships are critical when it comes to filling that void. Participating in groups such as Hope for Healing, Celebrate Recovery, SAA or SLAA help provide the necessary community to replace that void. Create Safety on Your Side of the Door: Locking the door can be a difficult decision, which is why you want to do everything within your power to make things healthy on your side of the door. Safety begins with your responses. Do what you can to be concerned for your mate as well as being respectful. In the long run your example of respect will help deescalate their pain. Keep recovery on a positive path by working your own healing and staying focused on your personal recovery plan. Keep Realistic Timelines: Be patient; this is a marathon not a sprint. Remember it's normal for the hurt spouse to take longer in recovery. Realistic expectations are crucial for keeping the door locked. If you mistakenly believe things should be better in a couple of months, you're going to be sorely disappointed. It takes 18 to 24 months for almost all couples. You're not going to be the exception. Unrealistic expectations will only lead to discontentment and increased temptations to personally unlock the door. Don't underestimate how long it takes for feelings for the affair partner to subside. That also takes about 18 to 24 months. I've often heard people say at about six months that they still have no feelings for their mate and their feelings for their affair partner are as strong as ever. They believe this somehow means they've made the wrong choice. To keep the door locked, your commitment has to be long enough to allow circumstances to change. You must allow the process to work and give it time. Now What? Next week we'll discuss another vital piece to the puzzle: how to throw away the key. If you want your life back, you need to throw the key away and move forward. Now go lock the door. Are you and your spouse looking for a way to maintain safe and open dialogue during this process? Look into our EMS Online course that guides you in joint recovery work. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Breaking Off The AffairFor The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseRecovery FundamentalsRelapse PreventionSafety in RecoveryRL_Media Type: Text