I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of watching the movie, The Princess Bride, but it is one of my favorite movies. There is nothing better than watching a movie about "true love." The Princess Bride is a story of how Westley and Buttercup overcome adversity for the sake of "true love" in order to be united in a blissful union. In one of my favorite scenes, Westley heads off to storm the castle to rescue his beloved Buttercup. Miracle Max and his wife, Valerie, yell after him,

"Have fun storming the castle boys!"

She then turns to her husband and asks, "Do you think it will work?"

"It would take a miracle," Miracle Max replies.

And so it seems with recovery after infidelity — our souls resonate with the theme expressed in the movie. We long to experience what Westley and Buttercup portray. We relentlessly pursue what we don't have in an attempt to fulfill the desires that will make us complete.

Our only problem is that it never works. Culture's idea of "true love" is founded on a concept called romanticism—the dynamic of two individuals who long to be together but are separated by life's circumstances. Romanticism suggests that the two individuals can always overcome the obstacles in order to be together. This "ideal" can only apply to love outside of marriage because the ingredients consist of secrecy and mystery, stolen glances and secret opportunities, for example. Therefore, romanticized relationships tend to be premarital or extra-marital.

Have you noticed that poets rarely write of the romantic love of marriage? They don't write about the care of children or the mutual companionship in old age. Romanticized love, by its own definition, is something "beyond" or "out of this world," which cannot be contained within the walls of a marriage. The theme of romanticism never differs; it is always the same song with a different verse.

Consider some of the great romantic plots through the ages: Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights, The Notebook or Pretty Woman. There are endless examples to pull from, but they all have the same theme: two individuals searching for the fulfillment of love, who long to be together but their efforts are tragically foiled by circumstances. Even more telling is that, nearly every single time, the couple manages to finally come together. The curtain falls, the music plays, and the story ends—"happily ever after."

At best, relationships based on romanticism are immature and unrealistic. Indeed, they contain intense emotions, but they are not about mature, lasting love. Instead, they are based on wanting what we don't have and the great lengths we will go to get it. They're not based on what's in the best interest of others; they are based on what we believe we need in order to be happy.

Marriage can be wonderful and full of happiness, but it's not the romanticized life I just described. There comes a point in every marital relationship where we will be wounded or disappointed by our mate. It's not until that occurs that we have the opportunity to truly love another.

Until that moment, love is based on the belief that your mate can complete you, that being with them will result in a limitless supply of happiness and fulfillment. But after that moment when hope is crushed and you abandoned the illusion that your mate is all you need, your love (if you're able to love) becomes something more mature. This level of love can be divine. It is an opportunity for your love to become less about you and what you want and more about truly choosing the other person. Love is selfless and will continue to act in the best interest of the other, even when it doesn't immediately benefit or bring instant gratification to self.

Romanticism says, "Make everything about me." Love tells us to be compassionate and concerned for others.

To truly love your spouse requires sacrifice. It requires you to be for them even when it feels they are against you. It requires you to choose them when they don't deserve it. It requires you to care more about saving the relationship than winning the argument. Above all, it requires selflessness.

Truly loving another is the most difficult, counter-cultural thing we can do. But, over time, it will lead to a more fulfilling relationship than you've probably ever known. That being said, truly loving your spouse does not mean you have to subject yourself to situations or relationships that are not safe. Likewise, it does not include enabling poor choices or remaining in codependent situations.

Often, after a betrayal, I can hear the echo of Miracle Max telling Valerie "It would take a miracle." The biggest blessing of working with couples recovering from infidelity's devastation is the opportunity to see miracle after miracle take place. By the grace of God, we do have the ability to forgive and the ability to "truly love" our spouse.