Spouses Want to Be Chosen

A while back, a woman named, Sue, sat in my office complaining about her husband, Joe. (That's not unusual; both men and women are forever in my office complaining about their mate.) Sue's complaint was about never feeling chosen. She gave example after example of Joe choosing something (or someone) besides her.

After about twenty minutes, Sue stopped, took a breath, and asked, "Am I the problem?"

Without a second's hesitation, I said, "Absolutely, you are."

Shock and disbelief flooded her face as she said, "How can that be?"

"The problem is the way you view your marriage," I responded. "Before you think I'm crazy for saying this, let me help you understand."

Before we go further, dear reader, please understand, Sue is NOT the only problem, nor is she the reason her husband had an affair! However, in this instance, and in that moment of recovery, her perspective was in fact, the problem. Let's take a closer look.

Perspective IS the Problem

We went back to the beginning. When they met, Joe was already a successful businessman. When he began dating Sue, who was nine years younger, everyone was skeptical. She just wasn't his type, but somehow that didn't stop their love and appreciation for each other from growing. When Joe proposed, Sue knew what she wanted, and they began planning their life together.

"I knew it was going to be difficult," Sue said.

"Why?" I asked.

She continued, "People tried to warn me. Someone even told me, 'You'll always be his mistress,' and I knew it was true. He was so focused on his business and I didn't see how that would ever change."

"Who told you that?" I asked.

Sue couldn't remember.

She had set herself up for failure from the start. She needed to disempower the lie she allowed into her heart and mind at the very beginning of the relationship.

Negative Lenses and False Beliefs

These types of statements forever change our lives. This is why we spend intentional time with couples both in our EMS Weekend and EMS Online courses working on correcting these false beliefs.

That one sentence, "You'll always be his mistress," created a negative lens through which Sue evaluated the relationship. It placed a negative spin on Joe and brought into question whether or not she was really important to him. Was she always going to play second fiddle? Sue assumed so.

The false belief was adopted and began to alter their husband-wife interactions. Joe may not have seen it, but as Sue questioned whether or not she was chosen, he began trying to prove that she was. Their marriage was converted into a never-ending test requiring Joe to prove he chooses Sue. Viewing the marriage through this negative lens meant that if there was ever a time Joe had to do something for work or wanted to get together with friends, Sue, once again, felt like "just the mistress."

But the problem went even deeper. As Sue began examining her life prior to Joe, it became apparent that this wasn't the first time she had struggled with the question of whether she was chosen. Other circumstances in her life had already raised that fear in her mind and there was already a tendency on her part to want to view life through that lens.

"You'll Always Be His Mistress"

Even though this problem isn't directly related to infidelity, I bet you're already seeing the problem. A break in the marriage bond can certainly create a lens where the focus is changed to "am I chosen or not?" While we all need to know that our mate is committed to us, if all our mate's actions, and this goes for both the wayward and the betrayed spouse, are run through a prove-you-are-committed lens, then the marriage operates from a negative perspective and can never move forward. It sets up a co-dependent system where one person's decisions and actions are based solely on the other person's behaviors.

If a wife's core belief is that she'll "always be his mistress," then she will see "evidence" of this in countless micro-interactions. Until that belief is replaced, she'll never experience anything else. Their best attempts to ignore or change this belief will fail miserably and eventually prove exhausting for either or both spouses. This is essentially what happened with Sue and Joe.

Keep in mind, both spouses can be guilty of viewing their mate through a negative lens. I typically see it play out as a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, a wayward husband sees his wife as cold and distant, so he treats her as such. His wife feels unloved because of the way he treats her, so she becomes cold and distant to protect herself. Do you see the effect our lenses can have on our marriage, especially over time?

Just for the record, it is more than possible to change! I had an experience with another couple a few weeks ago where that change occurred. The husband was telling me how much his wife had grown and what an amazing woman she had become. He couldn't believe how fortunate he was that she stayed despite all of his incredible failures.

As our discussion continued, the wife explained how much her husband had softened and how she now had the marriage she always wanted. She not only found forgiveness but was also working hard to establish a better connection with her husband moving forward. As they talked in my office, I couldn't help but find it a bit humorous, because after working with them for a year, I know that neither of them had changed all that much! The thing that had changed was the lens through which they saw each other. Instead of having a negative filter for their mate, they see each other with respect. They're now focused on each other's positive traits, not negative traits. Even more importantly, they've been able to change the focus of their entire marriage! Although this seems impossible when infidelity strikes, I can tell you from personal experience (and from over 30 years of helping couples heal), that it's more than possible.

Changing Roles in the Marriage

Most of us believe the path to a better marriage is through better behavior, but that's not the full truth of the recovery process. In fact, it might not even be the most important thing.

Rather than focusing on what irritates us, we have to intentionally focus on what drew us to our spouse in the first place. Even more importantly, each spouse has to change their role in the marriage. If my role has been the "inspector general," and I spend my time evaluating my wife and her performance in all things, then I'm limited by her limitations and my marriage will always be co-dependent. But, if I can focus on the reasons I love and appreciate my spouse, then our friendship will grow and find new meaning. A positive perspective on life and marriage will go a long way toward prevention. If and when trouble comes, there will be a foundation for healing and recovery!

Let me encourage you to look for what you appreciate. Keep an attitude of gratitude.

For five days, I challenge you to focus on what your mate is doing right, rather than what they're doing wrong.

Write it down. You'll find it makes a difference when you write it down. Remember, this challenge is for both the betrayed and the wayward spouses. Both parties are often guilty of viewing their mate through negative lenses. Five days of recording words of appreciation. Ready, go, you can do it!

Don't go through one of the most painful times of your life alone. Our online courses provide community support and an infidelity-specific, expert curriculum designed to care for even the most difficult of cases. If you are the betrayed spouse and would like some help deciphering what type of lens you view your mate through as well as how to go about changing your perspective, try joining a Harboring Hope Course.