How do you face a new year after an affair? I want to share four recovery tips with you as you start the new year. No matter where you are in your recovery from infidelity, there was probably a time when it felt like you wouldn't make it. But let me start by inviting you to notice that you did. The overwhelm, grief, anger, and despair have not swallowed you whole, even though it may have felt that way. So take a moment to notice: You made it to a new year!

While the new year symbolizes a fresh start, it can also come with pressures and disappointments, reminding us of unmet goals or the way the previous year didn't turn out as expected. So take a deep breath with me and let's discuss how you can make the most of the New Year, full of healing and wholehearted living.

1. Grieve

Are you ready to start the recovery journey? If you are still in the ocean of grief and despair, that is okay. I will not ask you to be anywhere else. There is no timeline to your pain; I wish there was. I wish I could tell you when it will get better, but I can't. Allowing yourself to feel the grief, anger, and despair is essential to recovering from the pain of infidelity. Grief is unlike any other emotion; we have to unlearn an old way of life to be able to learn a new one. Your grieving process is uniquely yours and there is no timeline. Allow yourself to mourn, robbing yourself from feeling the grief will only hinder your recovery process. So, grieve.

2. Reflect on Your Progress

If you are a little further along in your recovery process, take some time to recognize all you have overcome in the past year. Despite everything, you kept going. You got yourself to work when you could, you got the kids to school on time (for the most part), and when your world fell apart, you managed to keep moving. That is something to be deeply proud of.

Take a minute. Look back with kind eyes and compassion at all you endured and overcame. The thing I know to be true as a therapist and as a human being is that the world never stops just because one shoe drops. Sometimes, it can feel like you're dealing with an octopus. The shoes keep dropping, and it feels like an endless struggle. But self-compassion starts within: be gentle with yourself and honor the progress you've made. Journal about your growth, from the initial discovery to where you are now. It can be powerful to acknowledge your journey. Reflect on this question: What is it like to notice progress? and invite confidence and self-compassion.

Consider writing a letter to the person you were last year. Celebrate the things you are proud of, offer encouragement, and let it serve as a symbolic gesture of releasing the past and inviting the future. Likewise, write a letter to the person you want to be 365 days from now. Visualize the person you see yourself becoming and write about how you see yourself healing.

3. Prioritize Your Healing for the New Year

Have you ever made New Year's resolutions and had them all fail before the end of January? You're not the only one. There's a science behind why resolutions fail, which is why instead of setting strict goals on healing, I'd like for you to consider setting INTENTIONS around self-care and nurturing your spirit. Healing isn't linear. Let me say that again. Healing isn't linear! It can be a two-step forward, one-step back healing process that requires flexibility and gentleness.

Think about the support you need. Perhaps it's time to find a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma or join a support group. Identify what kind of therapy you're seeking—whether it's ETT, EMDR, IFS, or CBT. If you're not sure where to start, you can check out the Affair Recovery therapist page for a list of therapists that can help you figure out where to begin.

Create a daily or weekly self-care routine, I define self-care as whatever you need at that moment that nurtures your spirit. Allow flexibility in your self-care routine but be intentional. The last thing you want is for your self-care routine to become a chore. Examples of self-care could be a gratitude or doodle journal, prayer or meditation, listening to music, yoga, going on a walk, playing with the dog or your kids, sitting in the sunshine–all designed to do something for yourself and only for yourself with the singular purpose of it bringing you joy and peace.

4. Nurture and Rediscover Your Sense of Self

As you are well aware, going through infidelity is a gut punch that rattles your entire existence. It's easy and very understandable that you could totally lose yourself in the process. Allow yourself to grieve. Wading through the waters of grief is an essential part of the process of coming back to yourself. Take time to reflect on the things that make you you. Prioritize rediscovering old hobbies, new interests, or activities that bring you joy for no other reason than that.

When my partner betrayed me, I didn't know who I was. To say I didn't know up from down is an understatement, I woke up on Mars and had to find my way back home. What I discovered, and it took time for me to realize, was that someone else's actions would not dictate my sense of worth, that I was still fearfully and wonderfully made. You are still fearfully and wonderfully made. Your sense of worth has not changed through this process, your value and empowerment are the same. Nothing will change that. I want you to see this next year as an opportunity to rediscover who you are outside of the broken relationship. Your aspirations, dreams, and strengths are important. Surround yourself with a community that will uplift you and champion you. Affair Recovery has a variety of courses and support groups for you to find community during this difficult time.

5. Invite Hope

When I sat down to write this article, I kept coming back to the idea of inviting or embracing hope. I know when I discovered my partner was unfaithful, I felt like I had no hope for a better future, yet I did not want the hope other people were trying to give me. Slowly, very slowly, I was able to create space and invite hope into my heart.

On a neurobiological level, our brains can have a hard time looking towards the future when we are living in trauma. If you cannot visualize what you want the future to look like, invite what you would like to have in the future; self-compassion, gratitude, and pockets of joy with family and friends. It can be really hard to have hope in the midst of despair but focusing on ways to micro-dose joy and gratitude will get you through. Celebrate small wins. Journal about what you are thankful for, celebrating the small things will help build resilience and bring healing.

I love it when people say "baby steps" as if they are tiny, calculated, and tentative steps. In reality, the way a baby walks is unbalanced, wholehearted, and enthusiastic as he or she staggers forward to discover what's ahead on the path. Read this poem by spoken word poet, Rudy Francisco:

Horizon

I hope I haven't already driven
past my greatest moments.

I hope there is something
beautiful on the horizon
that's just as impatient as I am.
Something so eager,
it wants to meet me halfway.
A moment that is diligently
staring at its watch, trembling with
nervousness, frustrated,
and bursting at the seams,
wondering what's taking me
so long to arrive.¹

I love this poem. Hope is complicated.

When I was drowning in despair, I would get so mad when people told me to have hope. But the truth is, whether or not you are ready for hope, hope is anxiously awaiting your arrival. You don't have to find it; it will come to you.

Invite Hope

While the previous year no doubt held challenges, grief, and things you never want to go back to, it also held moments of joy and small miracles. The human experience is full of ups and downs, trials and tribulations, garbage and greatness–all at the same time. See this next year as an opportunity to grow, to recover, to find yourself, and to heal. Reflect on all the progress you have made and take pride in the person you are becoming. Prioritize your healing, seek help when you need it, and create new rituals to propel you toward the version of yourself you want to cultivate. Lastly, invite hope.

I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite poems by author, speaker, and leadership coach, Jo Saxton "Hope still wins but it often has a tear-stained face. It has a vulnerable heart. It has bloodied fists because it keeps on fighting. It has scraped knees because it keeps crawling forward. It is sweaty; hope is not necessarily pretty. But you always want Hope on your side, because Hope will fight for you. Hope will fight with you on the hardest days of your life."²

As you grieve, remember hope is waiting for you. It's ready to embrace you, hold you up, shelter you, nurture your spirit, and champion you forward. Author, Thich Nhat Hanh said, "Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today." My hope for you is that you see this next year as an opportunity for growth and anticipation of all the good that is in store for you.