Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Is There Hope After Infidelity?

The only question we hear more often than, "Why?" is, "Now what?" The journey following infidelity can feel unbearable. We know how difficult it is to find a safe place where you can get help with your delicate emotions. The following is a letter I received from a recent EMS Weekend participant. I encourage you to read it all the way through. This letter was written by a betrayed man and shares his journey from disclosure to attending EMS Weekend to what life is like now. I receive letters like this from time to time and I consider them special gifts. I hope you'll draw the same hope and encouragement from the words of this betrayed spouse.
- Rick

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A Participant's EMS Weekend Experience:

On January 6th I suspected my wife, Jenn*, was having an affair, and I had a hunch who the affair partner was too. I questioned both of them about my suspicion.

They both flatly denied.

I trusted Jenn so completely that I did not question what she told me. It was not until January 20th that the bomb exploded, shattering both my life and my heart into tiny, unrecognizable pieces. This is the night she began to "trickle truth" about the affair. Growing up, I remember looking up at that huge Montana night sky and being completely dumbfounded by the volume of stars. There were so many, they seemed countless. The night of the initial disclosure (there were many more disclosures to come over the next several months), my heart shattered into as many pieces as the stars—and then some.

From that moment on, up to the writing of this account, the events of the preceding months aren't very clear to me. I feel as if I am in this horrible nightmare of which there is no escape. I have simply been existing, trying to take my next breath, not entirely sure how I'll make it to the next moment. I have been unable to find words to accurately describe the sheer magnitude of devastation, betrayal, lies, deceit, disgust, hurt, anger, and rage. It's a devastation that not only affects us but also our immediate family and friends as well. Frankly, I'm not sure how I've made it to the point of writing this letter. The only things I can credit are the saving grace of God and the hope we found at EMS Weekend. Without these two things, I wouldn't have been able to survive the events and disclosure of the affair. I solely, by myself, am certain that I would never have survived.

From D-Day #1 (discovery day) until we arrived at EMS Weekend, I was terrified, afraid, and confused. I wanted to run to my home state of Montana and disappear into the wilderness, never to be seen or heard from again. I wanted all the thoughts and images to be erased from my memory. I didn't want to talk about the affair, the lies, or the horrific feelings. I was tired and worn out from the grieving and the seemingly unending discussions, fights, arguments, anger, rage, name calling, confusion, AHHHHHHHH!!!!

I saw no possible way how you, your EMS program or any psycho-babble bull crap would ever help me, my wife, or our relationship. I was certain that the light at the end of the tunnel was the headlamp on a train engine.

From a human perspective, I knew that IF I was going to give anyone a chance to help me, it was going to be Hope-Now and your staff. In our research for seminar weekends that could possibly help us, two things were vital to me:

  1. It had to be a program that was staffed by experts who had treated infidelity for at least 15 to 20 years. Without that experience and expertise, I wasn't willing to trust anyone. I needed someone who had seen almost everything, not someone who was going to use a one-size-fits-all approach. We had been hurt enough and didn't want any further hurt or confusion in our lives.
  2. I needed to listen to someone who had "been there and done that," not just a counselor who helped couples go through it and could relay stories about how their clients had somehow survived the wreck. I needed to hear from someone who had caused the wreck or been a victim in the wreck and had survived the devastation. To me, there is a huge difference in perspective from someone who was an eyewitness vs. someone who was actually involved.

Upon arrival at EMS Weekend, I had no idea what to expect. Part of me felt like doing everything possible to sabotage our chances of success there. But an amazing thing happened: as I listened to you, Leslie, John, the other therapists, and the other couples present, my heart began to find a new sense of peace and calmness. I was able to not just observe from the cynical perspective I arrived with, but to really hear, learn, and be changed by what was being taught. I saw the hurt and devastation not only in the betrayed spouses, but the unfaithful as well. I saw the genuine love, care, and compassion that all of you had for Jenn and me as we sat there in our biggest time of need. It was the most devastating time in all of our lives. You wanted to help us get realigned with ourselves and with our spouses.

I came to your EMS Weekend secretly hoping to find a way to run from my marriage, the pain, the hurt, and the agony, despite the fact that I had committed to myself and to Jenn to stay in the relationship and rebuild it.

I left the weekend with hope and the ability to communicate with my wife about the affair.

I realized that in order to truly heal, I was going to have to walk that road; any detours would result in a dead end. I left knowing that it was okay and normal for me to have the feelings I was having, and that the timeline I was operating in was okay and not to be rushed. When I arrived, I was so confused as to why I was still experiencing so much pain. I felt it should have been over within a day or two of disclosure. Man was I naïve. I learned that it was okay to grieve and that I actually needed to. I left knowing that I wasn't crazy. I left knowing that we finally had a chance - that we could be even better than where we were before the affair.

Your weekend saved my marriage and my future with my wife.

You see, Rick, I truly believe that Jenn and I are meant to be together. It's not the way I would choose to see our marriage grow stronger, but it's working nonetheless. For the first time since D-Day, I feel like we finally have compassion for each other in ways that would have never been if we didn't sacrifice and attend EMS Weekend.

If I had a choice to continue to live my life with Jenn the way we were prior to the affair or to live the pain we have been through and are going to go through in order to enjoy a better relationship with God, my wife, and my life after the affair, then I choose the post-affair life—every time, without fail, no exceptions.

Experiencing life the way I do now, to know my wife the way I do now, to be known the way Jenn knows me now, to be able to be there to help her realize the woman I see, to have her at my side to realize the man I want to be, to see her amazing strength, courage, and character, and to see her grow in recovery daily—I'll take that any day over what we had before.

I wish there was no need for EMS Weekends. I wish this world and the people in it didn't wreak the havoc, hurt, and devastation they do on one another, but the reality is that people like you and your staff are needed. I hope that I never have to recommend anyone to you, but statistics and life say I probably will. Should that occasion ever arise, I can share with absolute confidence that I would recommend you and your program at the highest level. You saved my marriage, but more than that, you saved my life.

Miracles can and do happen. If your marriage is in crisis, and you can't see a way out, please take action by coming to an EMS Weekend or registering for EMS Online.

*name has been changed

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Comments

Response to letter

Great letter. I enjoyed reading it. The description of the devastation is very accurate. The trauma of trickle truth I can also validate. My experience very similar. No truth from my spouse. I learned ALL from other people. Still no truth from spouse. The lies continue. The sad part is somehow things get turned and twisted. Beyond my understanding, I am to blame for this mess. Don't get me wrong. I know I am not to blame. There is no ownership on my spouses part. Hope? No. Montana wilderness sounds very inviting!

Commitment and perseververanc prevail!!!

What a great article!!! Although my situation was slightly different in terms of the discovery of wife's afffair and the emotional roller coaster I went through, I feel that God truly lead Cindy and I back to Him through Rick's program. Even though my wife truly didn't want to be there, I don't believe our marriage would have survived without it. The most important thing I learned that was most difficult for me to deal with was giving my wife the time she needed to let go of her affair partner. Our marriage, our communication and our love for one another is more steadfast than ever before. EMS was the best investment we could have ever made in our future. Looking back it all seems so trivial yet in the moment it looked like a insurmountable obstacle that could never be overcome. I'm grateful that Cindy and I are enjoying the fruits of our hard work and dedication in establishing our new marriage. I would have never dreamed that we would have made it this far. Praise God and thanks you Rick and staff for what you do!!!!!

EMS weekend

Dear Rick and family at affair recovery: I am continents away from you and yet your website is a lifeline. For the first time, I knew all the betrayed suffer from the same agonies, the mincing, shredding, shooting-a-hole-through-the-guts and I am NOT alone. Unfortunately EMS is not available to me, but at least I can put one foot in front of the other. Had I not believed that God is in this marriage, my feet would have run over the Drakensberg mountains long ago. My husband is one of the juts-get-over-it crowd and refuses to talk about the reasons, the way ahead (other than what was wrong with the way it was?!) His AP had dropped him and yes, that in itself leaves many questions, such as where would we be if she hadn't?

Wow!!

Well said.... I feel this event brought me to y knee with no way up. I was very pessimistic when I went to EMS weekend in March. I am both shocked and pleased how well it has gone.we are both working hard at it but my husband (unfaithful) does not want to be defined by that act and leading us by example. 3 yrs since emotional disclosure;1 yr since Affair; 6 months since relapse; 4 months since EMS weekend.....slowly I am seeing a change and I am beginning to trust again. The biggest difference ....my heart has changed... for the better! Was this Gods plan to have a better marriage? I think so I just need to trust him.

Wow!!

Well said.... I feel this event brought me to y knee with no way up. I was very pessimistic when I went to EMS weekend in March. I am both shocked and pleased how well it has gone.we are both working hard at it but my husband (unfaithful) does not want to be defined by that act and leading us by example. 3 yrs since emotional disclosure;1 yr since Affair; 6 months since relapse; 4 months since EMS weekend.....slowly I am seeing a change and I am beginning to trust again. The biggest difference ....my heart has changed... for the better! Was this Gods plan to have a better marriage? I think so I just need to trust him.

On Point

My feelings exactly!

It has been 6 months since D-Day and I can honestly say that I've seen so much growth in both of us. The materials, my AR Therapist, EMS Weekend, Harboring Hope (for me) and Hope for Healing (for my husband) have been instrumental in our recovery. I know for certain I could not do this with a random therapist sitting across from me with general feed back. Having specialists in this area of trauma is crucial in my opinion. God lead us to this program immediately after D-Day and I couldn't be more thankful to Him for going before us and preparing a place we were going to need.

Thank you Lord and Thank you AR!

PTSD help.....

I read so many stories of recovery on your site. But, I have to believe that you all have counseled many betrayed spouses that have developed PTSD from the infidelity and possibly other traumas one experienced. I have scoured your boards over for PTSD help and see that specific type of assistance is not what your weekend retreats are focused on. I am desperately seeking PTSD help. Real help that can actually put my life back together again. I have tried all my local resources with not much results. My husband and I counseled with Rick 25 years ago when he was just getting started with Affair Recovery.
I pray that someone there would know of someone who provides PTSD recovery structured in a like way to your EMS Intensive Programs. Any referrals at this point would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your consideration.

we would recommend something called EMDR or ETT for the PTSD

SusanD, thanks for your comment.  you'll hear in my video blogs that PTSD can be treated by EMDR or ETT therapy which are very helpful to those who are walking through that level of trauma.  at our ems weekend we do have the power to do some ETT therapy right on site and it works extremely well.  if you're not able to attend the ems weekend, i would look for someone in your area who specializes in those two forms of treatment and care and you should do very well under their care. 

PTSD and Betrayal Trauma

It was 3 years after the discovery of my husband's affair, that I was diagnosed with severe PTSD. At this time, it was something usually considered a disorder related only to those having served in combat or a simular situation. I had no clue as to what PTSD actually was. At first I felt slightly relieved...just to be able to put a name on this out of control choas that was happening to my brain and my body. And the anger that followed was intense to say the least. I was furious at the thought that once more, I was forced to endure the painful repercussions of someone else's selfish decision. At this point, I felt my only option was to try to hold on to as much control of my life as possible. So I began to do research on exactly what this disorder was and exactly what it was going to mean for my future.

And now...8 years later, what started out as just personal research, has now become something entirely different for me. I continue to study and research what it means to live with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, but my reasons are very different now. I have been not only incredibly blessed...but have found such a tremendous amount of healing in helping others that are dealing with Betrayal Trauma and PTSD.
I will forever be grateful to Rick, and this amazing team of the most incredible, caring individuals. The knowledge you continue to share here, along with such compassion and understanding you have always shown those of us that have or may be still yet, walking through the darkest of days, is far above comparison.
God Bless

1month and over 2weeks since D Day

It has been really tough reading through this.
The circumstances surrounding my marriage and infidelity is very unique.
I have been married to my wife for over a year and 5months now, and we literally have been living in different countries for the duration of our marriage, I have only seen my wife twice since we got married.
I am not saying these to get pity or give an excuse for my affair. I am a Christian and I know I messed up. I made wrong decisions and I regret them.
The struggle with masturbation and pornography had always been there and it was never being addressed until I confessed to my wife about my unfaithfulness. Those unaddressed struggles led the path to infidelity. Distance between myself and my wife played only but a marginal role.

As I write this, I honestly feel despondent. The years and months I've read that it would take to heal, recover and be whole from my acts of unfaithfulness is quite discouraging.
I really do love my wife, I regret all I've even done to hurt her and I just want this current nightmare to be over with.
I want to connect with my wife again.

It hasn't been easy doing marriage from a distance but not everyone is called to walk the same paths in life. We are more than ever working harder to be together permanently.
I am now working on myself, I am also working on loving my wife fiercely and unconditionally.

In my journey thus far, some days are hopeful and other days leave me with strong feelings of discouragement.
I am a young unfaithful husband, I'm 27 and my wife is 25.
We may not be able to afford the programs on AR for now but we have been working with all the gracious contents you guys make available to us through your website and on your YouTube and would keep working with them until we can pay for the programs.
I am going to be absolutely honest! The content from AR is hope giving, the truths in those content can sometimes weigh you down but I am choosing to trust God one day at a time.
Like Rick says, time doesn't heal all things, it is what you do with the time that could heal all things.

Thank you Rick and your staffs.

Renewed

This letter is spot on. I’m about 4 months from D-day & I have experienced just as much devastation. I have been struggling a lot lately & I was beginning to feel like I wasn’t going to survive this & my relationship was all but over. I am grateful to be reminded that I have to walk the road to recovery & there are no detours. I’m comforted knowing that my feelings are normal and my timeline is ok, I cannot rush this. I am committed to giving us a chance. Will our relationship survive, the jury is still out on that, but we are both here willing to do the work.

To Healing

Although this was written a while ago, this gives me hope beyond belief. Thank you for sharing your story with recovery.

Nothing to compare

While I loved Rick’s story about his family and daughter, the story does NOT compare to the dynamics after infidelity. What about the rage, anger, flooding, blaming and shaming? How do we get to the other side of that?

counselors tend to blame the faithful partner

I have had many couples counselling sessions and 8/10 counselors may not have come outright and blamed me for my husband cheating but they may as well have done so. The grilling and the questions that I got from these counselors were: what did you do or not do for your husband to go outside the marriage? what were you not giving him that he had to look outside the marriage? why would he cheat if you were a better lover and wife? there would be no excuse or reason for him to go outside the marriage. The reality is: he brought two women into our relationship and marriage from the very beginning under the guise of "friends only" but that was never the case. Both these friends were married and cheating on their husbands (proudly to their friends but cowardly hiding it from their own husband) and of course my husband (soon to be ex) was doing the same. I feel that the big onus always seem to be on the ones being cheated on, to forgive, to try harder, to do this, to do that, not to do this, not to do that. WHY is the onus not weighed more towards the unfaithful/the cheater to DO more to regain trust, to regain respect and basically to STOP lying, deceiving, gas lighting, manipulating? It took me quite some time to find a counselor who wasn't victim blaming the person on the receiving end of infidelity. None of the other counselors asked my husband WHY did you choose to lie, deceive, gaslight, cheat on your wife, lie to your children, spend your family income on other women, wreck your home/family life?

This helped me...

Thank you for sharing this. It helped me to read what someone else in the same situation is feeling and dealing with. I’ve thought about enrolling in the hope for healing course. I think it would be beneficial to talk to more men who have experienced the same trauma. A therapist I’m seeing just doesn’t understand sometimes. I’ve been glued to AR videos and blog posts since D day searching for understanding, thinking I can discuss my way to healing. With time I keep finding out more and more about this process and that is far more difficult than ever imagined. I’m glad this site, the counselors and content are here for my self-soothing.

Like the original post, I am

Like the original post, I am a man and went through exactly the same and feel the same as he does...

Our DD was 12th February 2023, I too for a long time expected something was going on with the expected guy, but also denial was all I got!

All I can say, and as the original post, it does get better, much better. I initially did not even want to hear that our marriage would be better post affair, but today I can genuinely say with hand on heart we are better than we have ever before, yes there is still alot that hurts but damn the love I now get from my wife I've never known! And she could and will same from me... Like you say, I too spent hours watching AR videos, which was a life saver, so a big thanks to Rick and his team. I did not partake in any courses although was going...

I believe where there is love, this evil can and will be conquered!!! Hold on and know the best is yet to come! ( Believe it or not) yes I would of preferred to have what we now have without the horrible bit. I guess some wars are fought and won with alot of destruction, but good endings...

Hold out....

Therapist

When I read a comment like yours, my first impulse was to apologize for my profession. Sadly, graduate schools do little to train therapists on the treatment of infidelity, and perhaps even more problematic is the reality of personal experience. Head knowledge in the treatment of infidelity is helpful, but as the effectiveness of iAA has proven for decades unless someone has experienced infidelity, they can't fully understand the impact. I'm very thankful you found a therapist who's been helpful and grateful our resources have been helpful.

If you haven't already done this, I believe you'd find Harboring Hope beneficial. Participating with others who are currently going through this crisis is one of the most healing activities available. It normalizes your feelings, but even more, working with a group of others who are on the same path, is the most effective way to emotionally regulate and gain perspective. - Rick

Just came to echo the other

Just came to echo the other comments on here, as my UH and I experienced a similar things.
I suspected my husband for a long time, and was gaslit for years with denial, lies, and extensive rage before and after Dday. But I held out the hope for help because first, I loved my husband more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. Second, because I knew that God had answered my prayers and told me to be still, be patient, and wait for my husband to do the work to repair our marriage.
We were best friends for many years, and raised a big blended family together. But he gradually changed and turned into a person I no longer recognized, and the resistance from him was astronomical. My Dday was in October of ‘21, and as my patience started wearing thin after 2 years of waiting. I watched his heart soften, and slowly return to behavior more characteristic of the man I’d met 23 years ago.
What I did not understand was how shame affected people, who had not yet transformed their pain. It wasn’t until the second time I approached him about attending EMS, that he agreed it would be worth taking a risk, and finding out what hope-now and affair recovery could teach us.

We attended in February of 2024, and I can admit that I was terrified. Because if this didn’t work, then I may have lost my UH forever, and would not have learned what was needed to ever restore my marriage. Upon arrival on Friday morning, my UH truly looked like a deer in the headlights. Which was fair, because I felt the same way. We listened, interacted, and truly let go of our fears of reaching out, for help in community. I can say now, that I soaked up the knowledge because I’d been begging for us to figure out what was wrong, and wondered why we could not align. We learned everything necessary to heal us, and all about the process of infidelity, betrayal, and recovery.

What my husband told me later was that he turned his heart over to God. the day we walked into the conference. I can not believe the difference in his emotional maturity, between then and now. When he asked God for help, what he didn’t realize was that we were already in the right place, right time, with the right kind of help for us to overcome so much pain, trauma, deceit, and all the other garbage behaviors that he’d been walking in before the weekend. With his heart truly open to listen and learn, he figured out how to show up for me, for himself, and for our marriage. Our healing in moving onward in a positive trajectory, and he no longer buries himself in shame. He has learned many new skills, and coping mechanisms to be a positive, honest and vulnerable man. I’ve learned how to stop avoiding the pain, and am working on my grief, and have forgiven my husband. He is working on forgiving himself, and we both know God has forgiven him.

Thanks to AR, we are in an amazingly new kind of relationship. Knowing we both have a lifetime together to keep working on our marriage equally, with God at the center of our lives again. I will forever appreciate all the experienced people at AR for the incredible gift they gave us.

Thank you!

Thank you for your comments, but please let us know if there's anything else we can do to help. We're always looking for feedback that allows us to improve the materials that we make available to the public. – Rick

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas