The affair happens. Maybe the betrayed spouse knows something about it, maybe they don't. In my case, I was very much aware. I asked him about it. Pointedly. Directly. Repeatedly. He lied. He told me I was "crazy," "paranoid," being "ridiculous." He would not tell me the truth. I knew it. He knew it. He knew that I knew it. But, no truth was to be had and we were at an impasse. Maybe you can relate.
Time passed. After an excruciating season, the affair eventually ended. Life went on. We both pretended all was 'normal,' but the secret remained between us, a wall that could...
Choosing to move forward after infidelity stretches any strong man or woman to their very core. Today, Samuel shares from his many failures and successes on how he has been able to find hope, healing, and courage to go forward, despite many disappointments and frustrations.
Harboring Hope registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified.
Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours....
Lisa Arends frequently shares her compelling story of her ex-husband divorcing her through a mere text message. What unfolded next was a story fit for the cinema screen. Several years later, Lisa is remarried, pursuing a vibrant career in data science, and impacting the lives of thousands of hurting, betrayed spouses who are looking for the courage to keep going after divorce. Lisa has a knack for encouraging those who are trying to heal, not only in practical ways, but also through expert insight into the mind of the betrayed spouse.
Though...
If you have a heart attack or are diagnosed with cancer, it is treated with seriousness and urgency. No one says "try not to think about it," "focus on good things" or "just let it go." No. The doctor sits you down and refers you to a team of helpful, trained professionals who are lined up to draft a plan with realistic expectations, answer your questions, and assist and support you until you are healed.
The recovery plan is laid out for you. You are given step-by-step instructions and a contact person, or a team of experts, to guide you through it to the end. No one would expect you to know...
Part 1: Bridging the Gap Between the Unfaithful and Betrayed Spouse Part 2: When Both Spouses Feel Abandoned
During healing from infidelity, attunement is a couple’s best friend. When both spouses are in touch with one another’s inner world and inner pain, oneness is within reach. When one or both spouses feel abandoned in their pain, they have...
When we allow our inner world to resonate with our partner’s inner world, we can discover a new level of empathy, oneness and overall reconciliation. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this concept "attunement". When we feel heard by our partner, and our inner pain is not...
Today, I’m thrilled to share my most recent interview with best-selling author Thomas Gagliano. He specializes in family-focused therapy, and is also an expert in childhood trauma, family dynamics and addiction — including the crisis of infidelity.
Last time we met, he discussed self-sabotage, infidelity and resistance to obtaining professional help. Today, Tom will be exploring the mind of the unfaithful, extracting out ways the unfaithful can feel fragmented and paralyzed. I hope, through today’s interview, you find healing and freedom from...
When you are walking through a difficult chapter after infidelity, addiction or another significant crisis, you are likely looking for a few things: healing, peace of mind, clarity, understanding, personal restoration and perhaps even relational restoration. Ultimately, what we really want is transformation. We want this agony to be transformed into healing and joy.
We have a choice: We can either transmit our pain or we can transform it. We can do the recovery work that we need to do, we can get the expert help that we need...
Part 1: You Are Not Stupid for Having Been Deceived Part 2: After Betrayal: Don’t Second-Guess Yourself Using 20/20 Hindsight
Last time, we talked about how stupid we can feel after betrayal is discovered or disclosed. It is a universal feeling that only adds insult to the injury of betrayal. It leaves us wondering: If we had been savvier, would everything have somehow been different and our spouses would not have betrayed us? There is nothing like marital betrayal to make you question everything about yourself, your reality and even your sanity.
When devastation hits, we embark upon this journey of survival. We begin to wonder, “How do I survive this enormous amount of pain and trauma I’m in? How do I make it through to the other side?” Sometimes, we may even wonder, “How do I make it through today?” What I have found in my own healing from and surviving infidelity efforts is that I’m doing two things simultaneously: learning and unlearning.
As the amazing author Richard Rohr says, when we are in midlife, we are both learning and...
Registration for EMS Online Opens Soon. Don't Miss Out!
Spots fill up quickly, so you won’t want to wait to register for our Emergency Marital Seminar Online. Better known as EMSO, this 13-week infidelity recovery course has helped thousands of couples rebuild their relationships and restore their lives. Click the button below to be notified when registration opens back up.
Crisis: It doesn't knock before it...
"How could I have been so stupid?" Anyone who's been betrayed has thought this, felt this and owned this at some point in time. But take it from me: You are not stupid.
Adding salt to the wound of betrayal is a series of self-doubt about who we are, what we are and how we are. After betrayal, we can doubt our value as a spouse and as a person, and we can doubt our intelligence and intuition. When we learn we've been tricked and deceived by the person we love, we can even turn on ourselves and join the proverbial pack of self-hating lions, devouring any shred...
EMS Weekend Is Back in Person!
Everyone has been asking and the time has come: EMS Weekend is finally back in person! Spots are selling out fast for this life-changing retreat, so make your in-person or virtual reservation today.
Today, I'm going to discuss something that's at the cornerstone of recovery for couples: How to rebuild trust after infidelity. When there's been infidelity of any kind, trust has been shattered. We've heard from...
Join Us at the Virtual Hope Rising Conference on October 2!
Tickets are now available for our 4th annual Hope Rising Conference for betrayed spouses. Space is limited. Learn more and purchase tickets using the button below.
I think anybody who's gone through infidelity comes to the point where they ask themselves:
"Is there ever a time when there's too much damage to try and recover from...
Not too long ago, someone pulled me aside and asked, “Seriously, how long is it going to be like this?” At our EMS Weekends in person, the conversations inevitably take a turn to these sorts of questions. Often, participants want to know:
I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it: We didn’t get here overnight, and we got to this place because of one...
Registration for EMS Online Opens Soon!
Spots fill up quickly, so you won't want to wait to register for our Emergency Marital Seminar Online. Better known as EMSO, this 13-week course has helped thousands of couples rebuild their relationships and restore their lives after infidelity.
The other day, I had someone reach out to me and say, "Sam, what are we to do now? How do we not, I hate to say it, end up like...
Over the last decade in a half or so, I’ve been doing my own work and had the privilege of watching other people do their work as they heal from infidelity or addiction. During that time, I’ve come to the realization that, in many ways, our healing, our future and our personal restoration require the ownership of two things: our choices and our outcomes.
If I can’t own the choices that I’ve made, particularly as an unfaithful spouse, I’m not safe and I make myself a victim. If we can own our choices, we can...
Today, I want to talk to you about a major turning point that happens in all of our lives. This turning point is going to challenge some of you, and it's OK to be challenged in your affair recovery timeline. This turning point is the day when we hold ourselves accountable for our own healing. When I made the shift and began to hold myself accountable for my own recovery, it changed my life, it changed my healing and it changed my heart. At the core of personal recovery work, regardless of what you're going through, is self-responsibility....
Have you ever been so frustrated because you couldn't get your mate to think, feel or act how you wanted them to? Have you ever hit that point in affair recovery where you so desperately wanted to get your loved one to do something, see something, and you just couldn't?
While recovering after an affair, we can become such control freaks when we try to get someone to experience something as we would. In these moments, our frustration can be off the charts.
In unfaithful spouse recovery, it can look like this: Why won't they...
In life and in infidelity recovery, there are seasons. Whether you're recovering from infidelity pain as an individual or as a couple, some of these seasons are going to be incredibly challenging. I'm sorry to tell you, there's no way around them. But there is some good news: Seasons don't last forever. And while you will experience days of agony, you'll also experience good days; days where you may take some deeper breaths and say: "It feels good to hope. We had a great day."
Like with weather seasons, we have to make adjustments and embrace the recovery season we're...
Happiness only comes when you open the door to pain. You simply can't have one without the other. As a betrayed spouse, I know this all too well.
I've learned to live with what happened to me. It's become a part of my history, something profound that I went through. This brokenness has become a part of me, one that's interwoven with the fabric of my life story. This revelation is what I think they call "acceptance."
It hasn't come without truckloads of pain: messy, dark,...
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Most of us who have experienced betrayal have, at least for a season, anger as our front seat driver.
But who is riding in the back seat fueling that angry driver? Fear? Frustration? Betrayal, Sadness? Loneliness?
Once I uncovered loneliness and injustice as two of my backseat driver emotions, I've discovered that loneliness and injustice was part of my childhood when I struggled to be the 'good child' as my parents were trying their best to handle a difficult son, my only sibling.
More damaging than that was my mother's very natural tendency to worry about...
Samuel interviews author and therapist Eddie Capparucci about sex addiction.
Samuel discusses a necessary tool for those stuck in crisis.
Samuel his friends Hank and Aixa as they share their own story of healing from infidelity.
Samuel discusses suffering, belief systems, and how both partners can heal after disclosure.
Samuel interviews his special guest Lisa Arends to discuss betrayal, divorce, and how to move forward after marital devastation.
Samuel shares a critical mistake unfaithful spouses make which altogether endanger the marriage.
Samuel discusses why a marriage affected by infidelity or addiction can still be fulfilling and rewarding.
