Rick,

I want to know all the details of the affair, for what reason i do not know.  But I am obsessed over them all day long.  I refuse to ask my wife because the details leave images that are burned into my brain.  Will this be healed over time? Is there something i can do to make them subside?

Thank you

Hi Rick,

My husband and I started our EMS group last week and in week one our assignment was to tell each other our stories.  He started first and as he got into his story, there were small details that were new to me.  I totally couldn't handle hearing the story and started asking questions and continually interrupted him.  He's trying to do anything to help us heal and I know that, but the pain hearing him recount his actions and interactions with her is unbearable.  Could I just not be ready for this?  How do I just sit and listen?  I want to be successful in the class and want him to feel safe when being honest, but it's so painful and I feel physically ill while he tells his story.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Mindy

Hi Rick,

  It has been 5 months since discovery of my husbands sexual addiction. In the last few weeks I find that when I am out and about or even in Church and I look at a man I start thinking, "I wonder if I could get him to have sex with me?". It's like the thoughts come out of no where and I have no desire to have an affair. This has been happening almost every day for a couple of weeks. I do not know what to do about it. Why am I having these thoughts??? What is wrong with me??? How do I make them stop???

Dana

In your weekly letter, you state, "And what if someone betrays their own beliefs and moves into self-deception; can they ever change? Yes, but not with out moving out of their self-deception, a willingness to take responsibility, efforts to make restitution, and the pursuit of reform."

This week my wife's girl friend ( and if you ask me, an emotional AP) left her husband of two months because he was drinking heavily, and temporarily moved in with us with my wife's permission.  I was not consulted, and though I would have probably allowed it anyway just to keep from making a scene, I let my wife know I was hurt that she allowed this without asking me if it was OK.  A month before our D-Day revealing her 2 year long affair, my wife moved in with her and lived with her for 11 months, so this was a huge trigger and re-opened the wound of her abandoning me.  The girl friend went back home on Friday, but the hurt remains.

On Saturday, my wife shrugged off my touching her, comparing me to a fly buzzing around her.  She has not shown any love or affection for the past two 1/2 years despite all my efforts to re-connect and save our marriage.  I have told her that her love and affection are necessary for me to completely heal from the abandonment and affair, but this has not caused her to change her behavior toward me.

Does this sound like a safe situation?  I am ready to give up and go separate ways despite 34 years of marriage and a lifetime of experiences because I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.  We have tried Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness as well as the EMSO online, and she has quit on me both times.

You have mentioned that relapse is part of recovery but how many relapses are part of recovery and what is the appropriate Godly response to relapse?

Hi Rick I have two questions:

I have been in recovery for three years from my spouse's infidelity. We have made so much progress that I tend to forget this is a 5 year total process. My question is: affairs destroy trust, can this also apply to building trust with new (same sex) friendships also? Or does it just impact the trusting of your partner? 

2nd: I have a history of obsessive compulsive behaviors myself and affairs. I recently felt the need to pull back in a platonic friendship bc it started to feel and mimic my past affair patterns. When we are healing from our own wounds is it normal to still get involved in similar bad behaviors that aren't exactly the same or as damaging as the past? I feel foolish for not seeing this coming. I had been slacking in my usual recovery checks and balances. Interesting also is her response to me setting boundaries and expressing my feelings that the relationship felt unhealthy was catastrophic just like when you "break up" with an ap. It was shocking.