Hi Rick,

My husband and I are about a year into recovery.  We have been seeing a therapist who specializes in affair recovery.  There has been quite a bit of progress made but as you well know much more to go.  I learned of my husband's infidelities in the span of about three months.  The pattern of his affairs seems to fit the "sexual addiction" category with the last of his affairs becoming emotionally involved as well.   Prior to the revelation of his last affair I had no suspicion of anything.  The affairs occurred over a time span of about three to four years.  I have a few questions that are at the forefront of my thoughts right now.

I am still very much struggling with the intrusive thoughts.  I think about the affairs the majority of my day.  The intensity of the pain may have subsided a bit but the thoughts remain the dominating factor in my life.  Is there anything I can do to help minimize this?

I also tend to still do the rapid fire questioning with my husband quite frequently just to find it leaves me feeling pretty devastated.  I go back through the names of the people and through the acts to make sure there is no additional information.  At times there has been more details that my husband has remembered that have been related to the affairs.  The basis of the story remains the same but the details are what kills me.  Is there a way I can avoid the incessant need for this type of questioning?  I am not sure what it really does except leaves the two of us feeling down.    Any ideas?

Lastly, I am encountering a huge obstacle living in the same city where all these infidelities occurred.  There is an area of town that I pass by that a huge part of my husband's last affair occurred and it is controlling my activities. How can this possibly be overcome?  I have a constant fear of running into one of the affair partners.  The fear stems from the deep pain associated with seeing them.  It also stems from a pride thing.  I truly want to be free from this but have no idea how to do it.  Any recommendations for this?

Thank you again for your time and insight. 

Rick,  I feel like I am going backwards since EMS.  The pain lately seems to get worse instead of better the more I think about my husbands affairs.  The affairs were intentional.  He wanted them.  He didnt want me.  He knew it would hurt me.  He says he never stopped loving me.  That's so hard to understand.  He says he is sorry, now that I caught him.  He doesnt want a divorce.  He says he loves me and has only ever loved me even though he told both AP's that he loved them.  He seems to fall more in love with me the more intimate we are.  As he did with them.  This just makes me wonder if he knows what true love is.  Now as I keep understanding more of his mindset and ask him "is this how it was? how could you hurt me like this? How could you love me?"  He gets defensive and feels like I am attacking him.  So, I guess my question is could he actually have loved me and done all of this? How do I find out? How do I know if he knows what love is?  Is it normal for men to relate love to sexual intimacy? and if so, then do they fall in love with whoever they have sex with and if that the case, why is love, LOVE? what does all this mean? I am so lost.  My husband keeps telling me that he thinks I am not in this for the long run like he says he is now committed.  And he keeps telling me that he thinks I will never get over this and that I am going to leave.  What if I start to believe him?  I really am committed and believe in restoration.  I just want to be safe and know for sure that what I am restoring is real.  I want to know what love is and if my husband really loves me.  What if I couldnt be physically intimate with him because of an accident?  I dont know if he could "love" me.  HELP!  I am from mothers day EMS wkend. My D-Day was April 8, 2013.

-AF