Rick, one of the areas of my marriage that I struggle with is being known to my spouse. I am the hurt so I'm always one to push issues down and not talk about them. But it's not b/c I don't want to, it's because seriously I don't know how to "be known" to my husband. It sounds silly to even say that. I'm not sure if it's fear of being laughed at or fear that it will be held against me or what. Maybe fear of being hurt again. Any advice or resources on how to work on this? What does "being known" mean as far as what you talk about, etc.? My resolution for 2014 is to be more open and known. Would you also recommend a counselor to help me with this? Thanks for all you do

Since I still do not feel that I have full disclosure from my spouse about his 2 emotional affairs, I am considering a polygraph to make sure he is not lying or has told me everything. Recent findings (after a year) have led me to believe that he is not telling all. HIs actions at confrontation a year ago do not match up with the answers that he recently gave to me. From the answers he gave, I would even question that he had an emotional affair!!!! Yet his actions at confrontation were so guilty and the abuse was so bad when I continued asking questions about his affair that I feel there had to be more to it than he told me. His answers to my questions (done with the help of his mentor) were just enough for him to say "Ok, I finally answered your questions, now let it go". They were general answers, not very specific, not giving details I needed. I know that you recommended polygraphs as one alternative when we attended EMS weekend in November. Would you be able to give me some names of reputable polygraph "people", ones that YOU trust, that are in Austin? I have an appointment with you in February, and am hoping that my spouse attends with me and I would like to set up an appointment with the polygraph company and get the polygraph done at that time as well. I don't know of any reputable companies where I live and would prefer one that you trust and that deals with infidelity. Thanks.

Hi Rick, I am struggling with my own recovery from my husbands alcoholism and multiple long term affairs. Both were revealed to me unexpectedly. I have been able to process the alcoholism and I did know on some level that I was unhappy with his drinking, but the affairs is another thing. He is/was a high functioning alcoholic and traveled most weeks. There was so much hiding going on for so long it is hard for me to process if what is now is "different". He goes to aa meetings, attended EMS, is willing to go to counseling etc. Because he hid so many of the things he did in the past, I am noticing that he is trying, yet I also notice a lot of the same behaviors as he has always had. He would say he is sooo different and not drinking or womanizing anymore. I don't see him that differently. He was always a good provider and helpful with the kids etc. In going to al-anon, I am really working on me and my codependency issues. I struggle with detaching, yet working at being vulnerable and trying to connect as we work the married for life course. Any feedback on how this process should look when alcoholism is involved? At EMS you told me that I should be seeing rocket fuel from him when we left. I haven't seen it, yet the more I learn about alcoholism, the more I realize that the rocket fuel may look like him just not drinking?? (90% don't make it not relapsing within the 1st year) What should recovery be looking like for my type of situation? I'm not feeling called to get divorced yet very discouraged.

Rick-
We are in Week 6 of EMSO, writing our letters to ourselves from our spouse. I had forgiven my husband a month ago for his affair, and had felt more at peace and able to handle things since then. But now I am stuck again. I am having a difficult time writing my letter, as we’ve been living out an example from our lessons on heart vs. anti-heart. Last week my husband unfortunately did not act lovingly from the heart, in the best interest of our relationship. He also, concealed it from me knowing I’d be hurt if I found out…which I did. It was something some people would probably consider small in the grand scheme, but something he knew I was opposed to, but he chose to do it, and lied by omission . I have been emotionally flooding for the last two days. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you