Hi Rick,
some context on my situation. I'm a 33 year old woman, a worship pastor at my church, & I have been married for 3.5 years. After a year of marriage my husband told me he had a one night stand with someone when we were dating. I was a virgin before we got married and I was aware that my husband was not. I told him I forgave him and that I was willing to push through. I encouraged therapy but he wasn't having it so we just went on with our lives. After 2.5 years of marriage I found an email (not even searching) that left nothing to the imagination of what he was doing with another woman. I confronted him and found out that it had been happening for a year and half. I told him I was done unless he was going to be 100 percent honest with me. I had him share with our pastor and his parents what he had done and we went to a christian therapist that dealt specifically with affairs. Only my 3 closest friends knew besides his parents and our pastor. We met with the therapist for 5 months straight every week and had intense homework every week including a forgiveness letter and walking through family history. I made it clear that if this happened again I was done. Our therapy ended August 2013, this past March I found out through phone records that he had started talking to someone new at his work for the past month. I called him on it and he confessed that he indeed was taking with her and hiding it from me. I said I was done. I moved out the first week of April and then found out I was pregnant 2 weeks later. I was shocked, sad, and mad. Before telling him about the baby he had said he was going to fight for me. Words I've heard in the past. I told him about the baby and that my mind was still made up about the divorce. I served him papers and everything. But since May he has been fighting like I've never seen him fight before. He's sought out counseling on his own and has been going every week. He's surrounded himself with 4 men whom I trust to hold him accountable and check in each week. He's been at every baby appointment and paid for everything concerning the baby. He's made efforts to start speaking with some of my family. He's going to another church on a regular basis and has read at least 10 christian books concerning spiritual health. So it's made me sit back and say "Does he really mean it this time?" I told him I needed a year of separation to see if this is something that I want to work on with him or not. Now to my question finally, my closest family and friends say it's my choice but have made very clear that they don't trust him. Those who have met with him say they just don't feel it's genuine and he knows how to talk to me and get me back. I'm so confused, when I'm alone I feel that God does want me to stay but then my friends say to me, "is that actually healthy that when your alone it's when you feel that?" I am trying to discern God's voice but when those closest to me make me feel like I'm making a bad choice and he is just pulling the wool over my eyes, am I missing something? Am I stupid for wanting to take someone back who had pretty much done this to me 3 times within 3 years of marriage? Do I just have a codependency problem? I have been asked multiple times, "would you have even considered taking him back if you weren't pregnant"? I just feel like I'm missing something.

Dear Rick, Today I am dealing with the reality that some of our friends in our neighborhood found out and have known about my husbands infidelity (with my friend and neighbor) for about 6 weeks. Keep in mind, they are also friends with the AP. I reached out and told 2 of my friends that I understood they knew and asked if they could get together. They were not able to get together last night, however, one of them said she did not know anything had happened. But then said she hoped I was ok. She never asked me what happened or what was wrong, yes this would be what I would have expected because she is a caring person. I know she knows because the one friend told me that her husband told them at a party after lots of questions, but suspect she does not want to reveal it because then it could implicate the person who told her. What a mess!!! I slipped back into severe flooding with grief and sadness, asking myself, is this how it is? My friends will not reach out to me after finding out that I have suffered this pain? I wanted to talk to them before we move, but maybe I am setting myself up for more pain. I am realizing they have not made an effort to see how I am doing and when I reach out to them, they say they cannot get together, but offer no other time to meet? This feels like rejection and another betrayal to me. So upset that I could
not sleep last night. Am I reading too much into this? How do you all deal with unexpected rejection from those you thought would be there? Thank you

Does showing empathy ever become enabling? In other words, if empathy is shown for the same issue for an extended period of time (like 5+ years), does it ever become an enabling behavior? If so, how can you tell?

Hi Rick,
I just read your article with the stages of recovery/healing and hypothetical time frames for each stage. I realize these are just suggested timeframes. My question is: how are these timeframes for healing changed, if at all, by multiple relapses. I would expect that where the unfaithful spouse is in the change cycle would impact the timeline for healing, and also whether addiction is involved. In my situation, I am dealing with a spouse that experiences the 4 Cs of addiction. Relapse has occurred every six weeks or so.

If you feel it would help others, I would like for you to write an article (or refer me to one, if it exists) on how relapse affects the healing timeline. I have read that relapse affects the timeline for rebuilding trust, and that whether the betrayed spouse has PTSD plays into it. So I realize the answer to my question is individualized. But, which stages would be impacted, and how? For example, I would think the initial six week period would be shortened, because the discovery is not the first.

Thanks!
Kathy

I read and will reread your article on the brain parts and fight and flight -- post traumatic infidelity disorder, I think you called it. It's what made me decide to sign up for your library. My husband "fell in love" a few yes ago with his running workout partner. She loved the attention but did not reciprocate the exact same feelings. However her husband discovered love letters to her from my husband and divulged his emotional affair. My husband agreed to go to counseling, appeared to sincerely feel remorseful but we never got past step one in the marriage counselors eyes: hubby taking responsibility for his emotional affair and realizing he placed this relationship ahead of his marriage, wife and children. He eventually quit attending our counseling because he didn't like the therapist. He became increasingly disconnected, distant and mopey because the counselor and I specifically insisted he break off any contact with her. Her husband suffered a heart attack and they ultimately divorced. My husband's actions played a part in this.

Fast forward a couple yrs and he got introduced to a top notch triathlete female trainer and they started training 2-5x a wk together (sometimes alone and sometimes in a group, but always by each other).

Of course you can guess what happened. The attraction was nearly immediate and within two months they were sleeping together. Within 6 mos they were planning to leave their spouses. I caught a text or two while on our family vacation w/2 daughters, age 10 and 16. He vehemently denied it. I contacted her via FB message and asked her to leave my husband alone and she sent a flippant lie back about how they're just friends and everybody likes him.

My husband didn't come clean (if he ever has) or stop their relationship for over four more months. It wasn't until I contacted her husband to share what few facts I had and that whatever was going on between them was hurting our marriage that I was trying so hard to save. I was reading all kinds of very good information. I was connecting with my husband. I was changing myself and creating a new path for us. I was patient and understanding. I forgave him and used my empathy to see how I had contributed to a vulnerable marriage. I did not take responsibility for the emotional affair, but I understood how they went down that path. I cried a lot. Dropped 30 lbs, occasionally experienced extreme fight and flight and stayed in hotels a few times when I couldn't take the pain. My husband refused to leave our house and refused to stop the affair. There were no apologies from him only from me for my role.

When the other spouse found out, he must have confronted her and they managed to agree to fix their marriage. She contacted my husband and then she cut it off through a face to face mtg. My hubby was devastated and began utilizing my empathy as a counselor vs his wife. So I created a boundary that he would have to seek counseling for his grieving over the loss of his girlfriend from someone other than his wife. He returned to a therapist he had been seeing between these two affairs. The pt of his earlier therapy was to come to a decision between three choices: 1. Stay in the marriage as is; 2. Divorce; or 3. Work to make the marriage better. I was asked to attend with him once in 2+ yrs. He never did come to a decision, but, unbeknownst to me he had made an internal decision to go looking for love through other women.

My husband is in his 50's but he's an extremely dedicated triathlete with a rockin' body. He teaches yoga and cycling and leads bike rides 2-3x a week plus runs 3-5x a week, weight-lifts 2-3x/wk and does a masters swim class 3x/wk. he comes into contact all the time with extreme sports women in their Lycra and skimpy tops. I'm not a jealous type and it never occurred to me that my husband was taking advantage of these opportunities to romance other women or groom them to be his companions and stroke his ego. But then I learned he was talking to lots of women about our bad marriage and his mean wife who just doesn't understand him and has let herself go. (I'm not fat, but I have a stressful, responsible job where I travel half the United States helping people make principal gifts to support the developing world poor. It's an extremely demanding job but equally rewarding.

All this background to say, we were actually making headway, changing, connecting, creating a new path. And then I learned the real truth about his affair. All the sex before, during and after their training sessions, out of town competitions and sex in our family tent and on and on.

Now I'm on a rampage. My stomach is in knots. 14 months after I initially found out, all the progress and discipline and forgiveness and grace is out the door. The pain is SO Raw I can't function at my day job, I have nothing but vindication and revenge on my heart and I'm enraged all the time. I suffered a minor stroke after the first EA and I'm on medication to help my blood pressure and stress but I'm a wreck.

I always knew there was way more even though he lied over and over again looking me in the eyes and demanding it wasn't physical. It's not so much what they did or didn't do. It's the disrespect and betrayal. I feel like I'm not even a speck of dust. I have no worth. It's shocking to my system.

How do I crawl out of this deep hole of despair and pain? I cannot count on any help from my narcissistic, selfish husband so my healing cannot include leaning on him or his responsibility whatsoever. He will fail me. That is a 110% sure thing. He does every time and with every olive branch I give him (even though he claims now to want to make our marriage work more than ever before -- just another lie).

My wife ended her emotional affair with her professor 2 1/2 months ago. He refused to acknowledge his part in the affair when she ended it. She fell in love with him and has been struggling to let go of him. Because of some past emotional abuse she has been feeling very worthless and hopeless. The attention she got from an authority figure gave her a sense of value and she has lost that with his ultimate rejection of her. She doubts everything in her life right now including God and His love for her. If we did not have three kids, I do not doubt she would have attempted suicide by now. I am desperate for a way to help her. I know this is a complex situation,i but are there things I can do to help her right now?

My husband had an affair with someone I hired at our family business. We had been married 21 years. When I found out, he left me right then and there, locked me out of the business, and abandoned our family. I had devoted my life to raising our 2 children and his 2 children from a previous marriage, and helping him realize his dream of owning his own business. Together we built a successful and flourishing business which we both worked at. For 5 months I had to watch the business almost go into bankruptcy from neglect while he built his new life, and my income stopped during this time. She dumped him, he came back, and I started working back at the business where all of the infidelity took place. That was 8 months ago, and it was extremely hard for me. The business is flourishing again, and we have worked very hard together to overcome this trauma. We have been at a standstill. Now that, for him, life is "back to normal", he can't understand why I can't "move on" and refuses to discuss anything relating to the affair. I don't bring it up often, only when I am having a REALLY tough moment. He always responds with" I might as well just die. You will never let me forget about this". All I am looking for is some compassion and understanding, yet he won't let me ask questions or talk about it. I am not doing well. What to do?

Our first d-day anniversary is in 2 weeks, so last weeks article was very helpful. I had been worried about this date, but also happy and hopeful. We were communicating better than we had in a long time. We'd completed EMSO. We're almost halfway through married for life. We spent time in counseling. I had firgiven my husband. We make time to check-in re: our relationship at least twice a week. Triggers were fewer and far between, and when they happened I was able to quickly deal with them. I was trusting again.

I had planned for our d-day to be a post mortem discussion of the last year – where both out hearts and heads were, how much we'd changed for the better...a goodbye to much of the ugliness. Then a new bomb dropped this week. He had been in contact briefly with his AP and kept it secret. And a new wrinkle...he'd been to an adult entertainer for a sensual massage, and kept it secret. He says he didn't think it would be a problem since she didn't bring him to orgasm. That it wasn't cheating. That it was just a fantasy of his. He didn't get that what he done physically with her was repugnant. To me it is cheating because he choose this woman for this act based on sexual desires.

I am shattered again. How often do I letyself get hurt? We've learned if you can't trust yet that empathy and safety go a long way. But what do you do when you don't even have those?