Is emotional safety important for both parties during recovery or is surrendering the unfaithful's emotional safety needed, so the hurt spouse can relieve anger, vent frustrations, and search for heeling? If surrendering ones emotional safety is supportive, what's appropriate and what isn't? When my spouse says or does something out of hurt, anger, or fear, it's extremely hurtful. It's not until I've had time (3-5hrs) to realize their pain before I'm emphatic enough to accept their hurtful words or actions and understand their origin. Is this normal? I also feel as the unfaithful it’s not acceptable to express hurt to my betrayed spouse or our EMSO group wall. Is there a safe way to express the unfaithful's pain?

Dear Rick,
We were married in 1998.
D-day for us was 1/17/14. On that date, after confronting my husband about a new pair of cufflinks, I found out about a 4 year emotional and sexual affair that ended on 1/15/14. Weeks later, I found out about an earlier emotional and sexual affair that began in 1996 and ended in 2003. I received information in bits and pieces, without a clear timeline -- and it was difficult to discover and digest this information. Now, my husband is trying to reconstruct the details to help me to process what has happened. He doesn't remember everything, and I would like to know more. It is a painful process for both of us.

I would like to know:
Does the process of trying to recall the details of these affairs lead to fond reminiscing and savoring the memories of the "good times" which were enjoyed during the affairs?
Does this process of trying to recall -- eventually tempt the unfaithful into a relapse?

Thank you.

Is there a place for pornography within marriage?
Can it lead to increased sexual intimacy?

Would it be possible to address the following both from the perspective of a hurt/unfaithful spouse who is female and a hurt/unfaithful spouse who is male - if it differs? Where is the boundary between allowing the hurt spouse to vent and allowing the hurt spouse to emotionally/verbally abuse the unfaithful spouse? At what point does the venting become enabling - both in the number of years after D-day and in the intensity of the unresolved conflicts of the present? What is a healthy response on the part of the unfaithful spouse when that boundary is being crossed? In our case, it has been 16 years since D-day but I would not say that we have been through 16 years of recovery, it's been much much less. Which leads to another question - what is the success rate of marriages to recover when only the unfaithful goes through recovery - is that enough? Thank you for the help.