Looking back upon my affair, and the justification of my affair, I can now see how blind I was. It’s neither an excuse nor a justification, as I did what I did and it’s no one’s fault by my own. But I was blind to so much, and in hindsight I can see just how that blindness fueled my actions and behavior. My blindness is what helped to enable the complete selfishness and self-absorption that had taken my life captive. What helped to keep me in my affair were both the emotional AND sexual components working together to what I thought would meet my needs, when in reality all it did was fuel the monster. But what was I blind to, you may ask. Well, here’s a list and it is by no means exhaustive:

1. I was radically blind to how I was approaching my marriage. I wanted MY needs met, and was looking at marriage as this tool to meet MY needs first. Only when MY needs were met, was I going to then meet Samantha’s needs. A colossal breakdown indeed and no marriage can survive very long that way. What it eventually produces is an affair as our needs become sovereign.
2. I was blind to the fact that my wife was sick at home, pregnant, having babies and raising babies, while I was out working my job and eating very well, traveling on several continents, staying in high class hotels, spending time with both the outside world and coworkers, and living life to the fullest. I had no clue how rejected she felt, and how isolated she felt, and how much of a priority she was NOT feeling like during my two year affair.
3. I was blind to the fact that I did love my affair partner, but I also loved the way my affair partner made ME feel about MYSELF. I was completely blind to how much I idolized the way her affection made me feel about myself.
4. I was blind to what I needed in recovery. I had been living a double life for about two years, and upon discovery of my affair, I thought I knew what we needed to do to heal and move forward. I had no concept of what healing Samantha needed, nor did I have any clue what moving forward meant.

Like with most, it was the perfect storm to create a choice to give in and take the bait. I’m always amazed at those who are just starting out in recovery, or who are just launching out into the pursuit of restoration and they think they know what they need. The opposite is quite true. They don’t know what they need, that’s why there are programs and resources like AffairRecovery.com to provide a clear direction on just how to heal or definitive understanding on if you do want to heal the marriage. If they knew what they needed in the first place, they wouldn’t have been in the position they are in right now. It was my blindness that allowed for such selfishness which eroded the bond of my marriage.

If you too are experiencing blindness, I pray you’ll reach out and get help to heal the blindness, as once you start to see even a small amount of true restoration, you’ll want more and more.