I did it. Over the past few weeks I have taken the time to go into my prayer closet and grieve.  I haven’t done it every day but I have done it at least 8 times over the course of two weeks and each time I leave feeling like a burden has been lifted.  I have learned over time that it is true when people say grief is a process.  It looks different for everybody.  I am also beginning to realize that I have not fully grieved the loss of my mother and other emotional hurts from my past.

However, God has been with me during this entire process.  One day on the way to see my therapist, I heard a song called “Tell Your Heart To Beat Again”, sung by Danny Gokey.  The next morning I went into my closet and listened to the song.  I cried like a baby. 

I cried for the years I have lost from not healing and for the girl in me who was hurt deeply by rejection. 

I cried for the marriage I thought I had.  Mostly, I cried because I couldn’t do it anymore.

Grief is hard but necessary.  In his article “Grieving the Loss” , Rick talks about how grief can transform our pain.  He talks about how untransformed pain makes us toxic to be around, and it’s often seen as bitterness and resentment.  It can also come out in the form of control, trying to control situations and others.  I have no doubt in my mind that my main coping mechanism is “control.”  Control manifests itself in different ways for me whether it be through food, my kids, my husband, my friends or my job, but it is there. 

There is something almost euphoric when I feel like I have some sort of “control” over something in my life.

In sessions, my therapist is using a method called brainspotting to help me heal.  He asks me to think of a situation that triggers a trauma response in my body.  It can physically be quite painful, almost like childbirth contractions for me, but once the feeling goes away, he will say, “Okay, think about it again” and the activation level is less.  Then, once that feeling goes away he will say “Again…Again…”until I can no longer activate trauma in my body when I think of something that was previously a trigger.  I have learned to be more aware of my body sensations that accompany my feelings. 

By not being afraid to press into these feelings, the trauma is slowly being released from me. 

I want to share the words to the song “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” in hopes of encouraging others to take the time to grieve.  Although it is difficult, I believe embracing grief to be a critical component to full healing.

"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again