Recovery Work: What Is It and What Does It Look Like?


Let’s talk today about recovery work, what it looks like, and why it’s so darn important.

I’m going to give it to you straight…I’m going to assume if you’re reading this article or watching this video, that either you, or your partner, pulled a pin, and tossed a grenade into your life. You’re standing in the rubble, assessing the damage, wishing, hoping, praying, this was all just a nightmare. I’ve been there….and I know…. It’s a living hell.

The crushing reality is that the trauma that has been caused by infidelity isn’t just a jail sentence that we can just wait out until the crippling pain and anger subside.

The passing of time, in itself, isn’t enough to combat the magnitude of what we’re dealing with here. It’s about what we choose to do with the time that is going to make all the difference in our future. Time does not heal all wounds.

I’d like to begin by speaking to those of you that have been betrayed. I understand how brutally unjust this feels. You didn’t create the problem, so why should you have to be the one to fix it? Here is why; Your healing is your responsibility. It doesn’t matter how sorry your partner is or isn’t. They can’t fix this for you.

Now I hear you, “But Candace, I don’t know if I want to stay in my marriage”, “But Candace, I already filed for divorce.”

Please hear me when I say that in order to get to the other side, you still need to do recovery work, regardless of the status of your marriage.

Now, AR believes there are 3 recoveries. There’s yours, your partner’s, and then, the potential recovery of your marriage.

But Candace, “My partner isn’t willing to get into a recovery program. Maybe I should just wait for them?”

For both sides: Absolutely not and here’s why: They might change their minds when they get home from work tonight, they might change their minds in a month, in a year, or never. I know that’s incredibly hard to hear.

But the sooner you start recovery work, the sooner you are going to get to the other side…With them or without them. If anything, they might see the progress you’re making and be like, “Hey, I want to get on this healing bus.”

Okay, so what does recovery work look like? At Affair Recovery, It looks like starting with the Free First Steps Bootcamp or signing up for a course via our website.

I want to address a question today that we get asked pretty frequently here at Affair Recovery: “Should we take a couple’s course together first, or do individual courses first?”

I’m so glad you asked!

If both partners are willing to begin recovery work at the same time: Please, Run! Don’t walk! Sign up for an EMS Weekend | Affair Recovery, or for our Emergency Marital Seminar Online | Affair Recovery.

Speaking of urgency, my husband sent me this quote and I absolutely love it: “If you’re going to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s ark, and brother, it’s starting to rain.”

I’d implore you to fight! Fight like your marriage depends on it because, news flash- It does!

Now If just one of you is willing to get into a recovery program, or if you’ve already attended our Weekend, or taken our EMS Online, we have our Harboring Hope Course for the Betrayed and our Hope for Healing Course for the Unfaithful. Details about these courses can easily be found on our website.

I think we can all agree, when we’re going through hell, the last thing we want to do is set up camp there. So, how do we avoid a hellacious never ending camp out?

We get into community with others who are in our same boat.

When you sign up for one of our courses, you will be placed into a small group. Will everyone’s boat look exactly the same? Maybe not, but we’re all trying to row in the same direction and I can assure you, we are stronger together.

The members of your small group are there to support you as your Group Leader guides you along this trek and gives you the road maps and tools that were created by therapists who specialize in Infidelity trauma.

Speaking of that trek, which we compassionately refer to as your recovery journey; I am going to admit something wildly unpopular.

I personally hate everything about hiking. So when I heard that the recovery mountain will look steeper and longer if I try to go it alone, I was like, “heck no!”. I want to climb that mountain with people who understand exactly what I’m going through.

I want to show up to that hike with my baggage, saggage, drama, and trauma; Knowing that my group members are going to show up with theirs too.... and we’re going to get through this together.

On a personal note, My husband and I started EMS Online exactly three years ago this month. I was 99% sure we were going to divorce, but that 1% was screaming loud enough for me to commit to a 13 week course.

Was I nervous? Yes. Did it cross my mind that we might have the most horrific story in the group? Yes. Did we? That’s a story for another day…

I want to take a minute to tell you how awesome our EMS Online group is. It’s important to note: I said “is”... not “was”…That’s because three years later, we still meet! They might have started off as complete strangers, but these people quickly became my treasured confidants.

Please know, you don’t have to go it alone. You can call us, email us, you can even make an appointment to speak with an AR Guide to learn more about the courses we offer and how we can help. I speak from experience when I say, there ARE brighter days ahead. We understand what you are going through and we are here to support you.

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Did I ever love my wife?

Recovery work is a struggle for me because my wife thinks I never loved her.
I am the wayward/rebuilder and I disclosed to my wife at 22 years my acts of infidelity. One of the main reasons I gave to my wife about why I betrayed her was that I believed she didn't love me. And by betraying her both emotionally and physically I certainly didn't love her by doing those things and ditching our vows. But I believe I fell madly in love with her prior to asking her to marry me and loved her deeply up until about 20 years into our marriage. My infidelity lasted about 4 years. After D-Day I kept up a lie that I had never gone to be with the AP and that we had been physical. And about 9 months ago I admitted that I had been with her and that it was physical. (My wife actually had at least 3 D-Days)
Recently my wife prayed about what led me to this behavior toward her over all these years and the clear and simple answer was that I had never loved her and that I was looking for a way and excuse to leave. I do believe that it is accurate and I have to say that my acting out was an effort to get out of the marriage but didn't because I didn't want to lose our daughter. (My wife is originally from a European country and they would both go there if the marriage ended).
Fyi, the AP was a childhood sweetheart and my terms of endearment during the communication were something like this: "I will love you forever, you are my darling." Do you believe it is possible that I loved the AP if I planned to leave my marriage and go there?
In our recovery process I am desperately trying to wrap my head around this evil as well as that I try to distance myself from it because I believe I loved my wife before the betrayal and I love her now. But my actions and my betrayal say otherwise.

What are your thoughts?
Much appreciated.

~Steve

(We are in the 4th week of EMSO)

Did I ever love my wife? cont...

I used terminology with the AP like "you are the love of my life" and we'll be together in the end", but even though my wife and I are in huge turmoil (because of my horrendous choices) my wife really is the love of my life. We sleep in separate bedrooms, but I'd rather live alone in a hut if I had to live without her. She is the loveliest woman I have ever known.
My wife says she thinks I still love the AP based on what I told the AP over and over and over again for years and continues to ask when I realized that I had not ever stopped loving the AP. Since the AP was a childhood sweetheart, my wife thinks I will always love the AP. I don't believe I ever did. I don't believe I knew what love was or how to love at 17/18 years old.

What are your thoughts, Candace?

Much appreciated!

Hello Steve2025

Hello Steve,

My heart goes out to both you and your wife for the pain and uncertainty you are experiencing! Since I am not a therapist, I cannot give advice. Speaking from personal experience, the combination of time + recovery work helped me accept the things that happened in the past that cannot be changed. The vast majority of my triggers and intrusive thoughts have morphed into what I now consider "associations." I am SO HAPPY to hear you are taking EMS Online. The expert curriculum, coupled with the support of your small group, can make a tremendous impact. I wish I knew a shortcut to recovery. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Hearts can be healed. I have no doubt you are doing some great work in EMS Online. If you would like to speak with a therapist who specializes in infidelity trauma and recovery, please contact support via the following: Support@hope-now.com. We have a list of experts! In the meantime, hang in there. Please continue to support your group and allow them to support you during this challenging time.

To healing,
Candace

Thank you. We will reach out.

Thank you. We will reach out. Much appreciated for your help and your thoughts!

Q&A Why Has My Spouse Refused to Cut Ties with His High School S

Fyi, Rick touched a bit on this in this video today.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas