Why is hiding so tempting and where does the desire come from?

Hide and seek. This is a game my kids play for hours, even now as teenagers. There is such terror and anxiety in the moments you are waiting but the best part of the whole game is the feeling you get when you are found. I remember when my girls were little and would find great hiding spots. They were so excited they would often yell out, “I’m in here, come find me!” I often wonder why the game was so delightful for them. I’m guessing it had something to do with the smile and embrace they received upon discovery. If that was the case for everyone hiding, who wouldn’t want to be found?

Oh, how saddened I am to think of how we, the unfaithful spouses, have sorely misapplied and manipulated the rules to this game. D day (discovery day) was the most painful day in my husband’s life. And if you were anything like me, too cowardly and afraid to expose all of the deception the first time, you gave your spouse two d days.

I can only imagine the horror the betrayed spouse experiences when they find us in our hiding place with all of our dark secrets. I know for me, there were moments in my affair I wanted to be found. But selfishly I wanted to avoid any pain or consequences that would come with telling the truth. I now know God has much to say about that. He calls us fools, as only fools despise discipline. (Proverbs 1:7).

The truth is - other than being an utter fool - I was terrified of judgement and losing this reputation I had built for myself. I admire people who are willing to admit their mistakes and shortcomings. However, I had believed the lie that my transgressions were too many. I was terrified my husband would surely leave me if he found me in my hiding. So I continued to hide. And lie. And manipulate my image to portray nice and perfect while I was frozen and dark inside. I have often thought about how unfair d day was for us. This was the second time my husband had to hear “well, there’s more.” He had to experience even more excruciating pain as he discovered the wretchedness and selfishness of all of my lies.

I would have preferred to have been struck by lightning. For years I had believed the lie that I would die before letting my darkness come to light. How selfish of me. How sad of a thought. As he was receiving the weight of my shame, the amount of freedom that came from sharing every last detail of my secret was unfathomable and enormously unfair. I transferred all of my darkness onto my husband. The only currency I have to spend in our relationship are my actions. I wish I could change everything. Take it back. Spare him even an ounce of the pain he has endured. But I can’t. So I have to continue the work of figuring out how I got here.

So what makes us hide?

I can’t answer for anyone but me, but hiding, lying and shame have been the norm beginning in my family of origin. Did your family keep secrets? Were there things you found out about years later or did either of your parents have a secret addiction? Did anyone hide spending? Drinking? Family shame? I can put a check mark next to all of those. It’s not an excuse for my actions, but I have realized I have come from a history of hiding. I have recently talked with my therapist about this. He seemed shocked when I told him that as a little girl I believed you took bad things and buried them so deeply you just never brought them up again. Sadly, that little girl grew up and still lived this out as a wife and mom.

This is a pattern I have lived all of my life. From something that happened to me in 5th grade, to an abortion I had in college, the pattern was there. Bury it. Never speak of it again. Smile and pretend it didn’t happen. Little did I know I had been hardwired for dishonesty. Admitting that is terrifying and freeing. But being found is something God has always longed for. He has something so much better for me and rewards my courage to bring every single thing to Him in the light.

I know the damage in my own marriage and family has already been done. We haven’t told our kids yet, but plan to one day. With His help, I have to change the legacy of secret keeping.

Are you still hiding anything? And if so, what are you afraid is going to happen to you if found? I pray today you trust that God is delighted in you and you find the courage to come out of hiding.