Sex and Intimacy after an Affair Sex and intimacy are such big topics and it seems all couples struggle with one or both in some way. Couples that say they don’t struggle in either area are either the rare exception or more likely, they are not giving you the full story. My wife and I always struggled with sex, me wanting it all the time, her not so much. She has always struggled with enjoying sex. She can never seem to relax enough to get any enjoyment. In fact, our sex struggle was one of the reasons for her affair. She thought that maybe she had just married the wrong guy and that maybe sex with someone else would be better. It wasn't. In fact, she said it was a disaster. To be truthful I thought that after the affair and our recovery process, my wife was going to turn into the sexual companion I always wanted. That didn't happen either. It was in fact, quite a disappointment at first. I received some wise words from a trusted counselor when I told them I wanted to have a better sexual relationship and if I didn't get it I would leave. The counselor asked me "What if this is as good as it gets?" She went on and asked was it wise for me to expect my wife to completely change in this area. She had always struggled, why would I think it would all change overnight? It made me really sit down and think and look at the struggle from all angles. We didn't have a perfect sex life but it wasn't horrible. At least we had a sex life when lots of couples I know of, just plain don't. I had a wife that who was trying and working at improving our sex life! She wasn’t just giving up. It wasn't the 100% I wanted but I was getting probably 80%. Was it fair to expect the 100%? I finally came to the realization that I needed to adjust my expectations and stop asking for perfection. Now my story, of course, is just mine. Everyone has different circumstances but I would suggest you give your relationship the time required to stabilize. Normal timelines are roughly 18-24 months of good solid recovery work. If you try and duct tape it, it could be much longer. Perhaps, if you obtain the best help possible as soon as you can, it may even be shorter. After that, you will have to take a close look and see if you can live with the new person and marriage post recovery. Remember, you have the power to choose to stay or go. All I can ask is that you give it time and try and be realistic in your expectations. What you’re probably feeling right now, this instant, is probably not what you’re going to feel in six weeks or six months, if you take the appropriate action. 80% is pretty good in the grand scheme of things.
