There are so many painful words that flood our minds following betrayal: Hurt. Stupid. Angry. Deceived. Heartbroken. Lost. Humiliated. Duped. Blindsided. Gullible. Used. Tricked. Embarrassed. Shattered. Disgraced. Ashamed. Crushed. Afraid. Numb.

All of those words are so painful, but there are two words that cut me to the core - not enough.

People compare themselves to others for a variety of reasons across many areas of life. The reasons for comparison may sound different on the surface, but mostly they are all pointing toward determining how much we feel we are worth. Less than this person? More than that one? Whether it is not getting the promotion, being picked last in gym class, or just your standard "keeping up with the Joneses", we are constantly measuring our worth, our okayness, using the yardstick of those around us.

As humans, we also like to categorize. Our brains want straight lines and to create neat little packages from complicated things, because it is more comfortable and familiar, even if it generates more pain. Uncertainty and grey areas are just naturally uncomfortable places for our minds to hang out, and sometimes we will draw conclusions just to close that mental loop, even if it is not the right answer. In the case of infidelity, my faint recollection of middle school logic problems tells me the situation was simple. If my husband wanted someone else, then I was not enough. Period. This simple statement is very easy to understand, but understandably, very painful to internalize.

Ironically, my husband tells me this is completely untrue and my logic is faulty (so much for my middle school math). He tells me I was always "enough" and that his affair had nothing to do with that at all. Maybe your spouse has told you that too. The experts across the board attest that infidelity is not about the betrayed spouse "not being enough" or lacking in some way. This doesn't mean we don't have room for improvement; we all do. But if we are to believe the experts, then your spouse's infidelity had nothing to do with you not being enough, because you have always been enough. So have I.

Even hearing that though, it is so much easier for me to blame myself, since that is more comfortable in my mind, and something I readily understand. After struggling with betrayal trauma for a long time, self-blame is a well-worn path. I have traveled that path so many times that I know all the stops along the way.

Humans want to define and understand. We don't like ambiguity and we want to close the case, even if we are wrong. It is easier to conclude that all of my failures as a wife led to the infidelity, and therefore it made sense. There is no grey area there; there is no wrestling with competing realities, so that is the path I instinctively take - even though it is the most hurtful, and even though my husband tells me it isn't true. Easy can sometimes outweigh "real" or "truth," when "real" can be ambiguous, and "truth" can be messy and too hard to reconcile in our minds.

I tried in so many ways to feel "enough" after D-day. I lost a lot of weight, which was pretty easy since I couldn't eat anyway. I wore makeup every day, even on weekends while cleaning and doing laundry. I bought all new underwear - the pretty kind that matches. I bought new clothes, since my old ones didn't fit anymore anyway. I still hid my body much of the time so he would not have to see all my flaws. I took up running to work off some of the anxiety and rage, and in the process I became probably in better physical shape than I had been in my younger years.

But, all of these things were external. None of them addressed the emptiness of not enough. On the outside, I did some of the things that I thought would make me feel confident and "enough." But on the inside, I was still the same insecure person, looking at some threshold set in my mind by the affair partner that I would never achieve, so "not enough" continued to be the chorus in my head, set on repeat.

There are many different reasons people are unfaithful. Almost none of them have anything to do with their partner not being enough, but that doesn't make it any easier to understand on the receiving end of the betrayal. Part of the healing process is being open to things we don't understand...a willingness to consider that things that don't make any sense might actually be the answer. This feels unnatural and after having been deceived, it feels much safer to dismiss anything we can't easily understand or verify. The straightest path is not always the right one, but leaning into seemingly illogical and unfamiliar thoughts is hard and unnatural. For some people, this season of "not enough" may be easier to navigate through than others. For some of us, like me, I have come to realize that I have always felt this to some degree, and my husband's infidelity put an exclamation point on it. Therefore, it is a bigger part of my journey than it might be for others. But I do think all of us feel it at least for a while, and it is so unfair, adding insult to injury of the betrayal.

Most betrayers don't think about the consequences before they decide to be unfaithful, but if they ever did, they would still fail to anticipate the depth of the losses. They would never imagine how infidelity permeates every aspect of a betrayed partner. The obvious losses of monogamy and trust are deeply painful and create long lasting fear and uncertainty, but other losses that seem less obvious are the ones that can keep us really stuck. The loss of reality and time - knowing what was real and what wasn't - the loss of confidence, security, belonging, self-esteem, our perception of the world around us and the people in it. The loss of hope. The loss of interest in friends, family, and things we used to enjoy. The loss of perspective of who we are and how we fit into anything anymore. But for me, and maybe for you, the loss of feeling enough is soul-crushing and extends to every aspect of life: marriage, parenting, work, extended family, and friendships. If we weren't enough for our spouse, then we can't possibly be enough for anything or anyone else. This new identity of "not enough" is like ink spilled on a page, staining everything.

As a person of faith, I lean on God to tell me who I am, but it is still very hard and it can be difficult to hear His voice above the whispers of not enough. For those of you who don't come from faith, you may want to ask a trusted friend or significant person in your life to help you see yourself through their eyes, to combat the feelings of "not-enoughness." This is the battleground. This is the place where we have to make a stand in our own minds to stop letting someone else's choices define us. I am in this trench too, and as I climb out, I will bring you with me on my journey. One step at a time. We are enough.