To Spy or Not to Spy? My husband was able to carry out both of his affairs without getting caught for a variety of reasons. First, he’s an accomplished liar. Second, even he says that I was too trusting. And I was. I just refused to believe that he would ever betray me. Third, we were sleeping in separate beds due to his snoring. That reason, in particular, made it very easy for my husband to sneak out at night to meet his AP. I can honestly say that I never once caught him either sneaking out or sneaking back in. One of the biggest reasons he was able to cheat was the nature of his job. He doesn’t sit behind a desk in an office all day. He’s constantly in and out going to various places to get his work accomplished. So when he told me he had to go to a neighboring town for parts, I didn’t think twice about whether or not he was lying. That was his first affair, if you can call visiting erotic massage parlors an affair. At any rate, it certainly was betrayal. Then we moved 1500 miles away and my husband’s next job was the same. He was responsible for quality and safety in a production facility so when he told me he had to train a second shift, I didn’t think twice that he might be lying. When he left the house at 8:00 in the evening it was just part of his job, no big deal. And since we slept in separate rooms I had no idea when he returned. This was his second betrayal. As I look back it’s amazing how many lies I swallowed. Once during the first betrayal and once during the second I suspected something was wrong, but I “knew” in my heart he would never betray me. Yes, I was too trusting and too naive. So now that my husband’s affairs have been exposed I’m left with the dilemma of the nature of my husband’s occupation. After D-day we sold our house, moved to another town, and we both found new jobs. But he still doesn’t sit in an office all day. It would be so nice if he did. It would allow me to pop over “unexpectedly” and see how he’s doing. If he stayed in one place I could insist that he call me from the office phone several times a day. If his job didn’t require him to travel all over it would be a lot easier to keep tabs on my unfaithful husband. Enter my iPhone. It has an app called Find Friends. I Love it! I’m sure the app was made for various reasons, but it helps me immensely. Once set up all I have to do is search my husband’s location and I know whether or not he’s at work. If he’s elsewhere I can see his location and then call and ask “Where are you? What are you doing?” I’ll know immediately if he’s telling the truth or not. Unfortunately, this has created a whole new dilemma. Sometimes the app doesn’t work and I stress out. When it fails, I have a bit of a panic attack wondering where my husband’s at, what he’s doing, who he might be with. Or sometimes the app picks up his location but doesn’t show him traveling so it looks as if he’s stopped in one place when he’s actually driving down the street. Then I really seem to freak out. Sometimes I feel ashamed when I have to check the app. After all, I’m spying on my husband. Part of me feels guilty, but only a little part. I’m working on trust but it’s a day to day process. Hence my quandary: to spy or not to spy. Some days I don’t check the app at all. Some days I check several times. I’ve even gone several days in a row without checking. Pat myself on the back! Trust. It used to be so easy for me. Rick says that trusting is a choice. I must choose to trust my husband. But before I can choose trust I must feel safe doing so. It’s my unfaithful husband’s job to not only make me feel safe in our relationship but to also prove that he’s trustworthy. Rick also says that until trust is earned back the unfaithful must replace it with honesty and honest communication. If caught in a lie, even a “little” one, then trust is undermined and safety compromised. My husband has done a surprisingly good job of replacing trust with honesty. But I have to admit that there are lots of times when I have myself a sweet little panic attack and begin to wonder. My dilemma, to spy or not to spy, will probably haunt me for awhile. I’m feeling safer, more secure in our relationship, every day. Trust is creeping back into our marriage. But until it’s back all the way, I enjoy having certain safety mechanisms like “Find Friends” to rely on.
