Come Alive November 2021 On a road trip across Texas over Thanksgiving I was listening to the song Come Alive (Dry Bones) by Lauren Daigle, which reminded me of one of my favorite stories in the Bible. Some of you may know the story of Ezekiel and the valley of dry bones... For me, road trips are notorious for bringing up old thoughts, on the long stretch of quiet highway miles. Some good thoughts - worth dwelling on - that give me time of praise with God; some not so good - where God will bring things to light that need to be given up and surrendered, and thus healed. As the song on my playlist played over my speakers, I relived a time when this story spoke volumes to me - a time that was one of loneliest times in my life, and one of grave desperation. A time when I desperately needed some hope. Five years ago. Before I retell the Bible story, as it was spoken to my heart, I want to paint a picture of the life I was living at this time. I was desperate for a good day. Desperate for a good night's sleep...a good meal... a good conversation... a good hug...a good day at work...a good thought... a good friend... a good parenting moment... a good memory... something good, anything. Everything was tainted, broken, crumbling, sickening, awful, foul, rotten, miserable, and awful. Dead. What do I mean by good? A feeling that wasn't any of those feelings - anything that wasn't my reality, anything not related to my affair or the accompanying shame. Day in and day out, night after night, things in my home were awful. Worse than I ever thought imaginable. The feelings of my raging, angry, bitter, hurting, betrayed husband was what determined our existence. Our marital circumstances were up against other big things going on in our life at the time, such that my husband couldn’t choose to divorce me or be away from our boys, so he stayed. He didn’t get help nor get any less angry for over two years after D-Day. He hated me, I hated me. I was dead inside. With no hope for our situation to change. I was stuck in hell, dying each day. There was a part of me just trying to survive. However, the decay in the rest of me felt like it was taking over any last remnant that resembled life. So back to the Bible story - Ezekiel in the valley of dry bones - was told to me during a sermon at church. How I managed to show my face in church and overcome my shame to the point where I yearned to be there, is only possible because of God. In a vision, Ezekiel sees a huge valley filled up with dry human bones and skeletons (this image is a metaphor for Israel's spiritual state) and God tells Ezekiel that He is coming to bring His people back to life. Ezekiel 37:1-10 My recollection is this wind comes and it causes all the bones to stand up and it fills them with breath and life. The portrayal of this scenario was so real to me, as I felt I was right there in the valley. Dried up and left for dead, barely any life being breathed into my body. My ears perked and I listened so intensely as my pastor went on. Now, new humans with skin on their bones are standing in front of Ezekiel! This vision is recalling the story about the creation of humans in Genesis 2 where God made humans out of dirt and divine breath. After spiritual death (and some instances of real death) The only hope is that GOD would perform a new act of creation and remake humans in such a way that they can truly live in a relationship of love with God and with each other. The main message was that the dead things in your life, whatever they may be, can be restored, and new life can be breathed into them. What I love about this passage is that God asks Ezekiel if the bones can be restored. [Ezekiel 37: 3] He is essentially asking him if he had faith in Him to restore the bones. Yes, that is what I so badly needed to happen for me! I needed this kind of faith; I needed this kind of help. The pastor went on to say how this valley may represent your marriage (and other relationships) and God is the only hope to resurrect the death that has occurred. Everything in my life seemed like a valley of dry bones. I cried and cried from this story of hope!! I was a wreck, God knew it, everyone around me knew it, my kids knew it and I needed God's help. And this message stuck with me and breathed life into the dry bones I was barely surviving within. "We call out to dead hearts, come alive. Up out of the ashes, let us see an army rise." Lauren Daigle I've read it somewhere that no prophet equals Ezekiel, in his message of hope. Through divine grace the dead may live. Though the context of this chapter is related to the resurrection of a nation (fallen to evil and beyond repair), this vision shows that however beyond redemption a human can seem from a human point of view, GOD, by his gracious spirit, CAN STILL SAVE. WOW! How can God have the power to rescue? How does he have the power alone to save? How can he breathe a breath of life into a soul that is beyond repair? How can he restore all that is broken and lost for good? How can he redeem a situation that was meant for evil and caused imaginable destruction? These are the thoughts that engulfed me day after day during the aftermath. My message for you is that God has the power to redeem you, your heart, your past and your story. And He will. I began to come alive and trust in God's plan for my life. You will too. Have faith, dear one, this can be redeemed. Overcoming shame and understanding the Lord's love for me took a long time. I had a lot of help, but I couldn't get any further down the road until I began to do this work, one step at a time. I had to work on forgiving myself, listening to hurts, taking ownership of my actions without carrying the shame, and growing my faith in God. Messages of hope, and truths from Scripture like this helped me along the way. Each week, for four years after my affair, I saw an amazing Christian counselor. In one of my therapy sessions with him, I was crying about how even after overcoming shame and the brokenness of this life, and the awful choices I made, why did I still grieve how THIS now had to be part of my story? How could I go on, knowing everyday this unwanted passenger (my old self and my old sin) was in tow, no matter where the journey took me from here, I always had it with me. How can I ever "unhave" this? I felt healed, I felt alive, I felt loved, I felt reassured of so many things. But why did this have to taint the rest of our history? How could I truly move on? He said to me that this (what felt like a constant) reminder of the past, was not a tool to condemn me, but a tool to keep me grateful for God's work in my life. This is to remind me that mine is a story of His power to restore the broken, and His ability and desire to redeem my life. This is now a view from the rear-view mirror, a reminder of something that once was, but that is no more. I am renewed, I am restored, I am a beloved daughter of God who is adored and who was saved from myself. Regarding his own past sin, my counselor always says, "Thank God, I am never going back there." "Thank God that I have been renewed in Christ". "Thank God, He saved me from myself." As I looked in my rearview mirror, I praised God for leading me to a journey of healing and for riding alongside me every step of the way. I praised Him for His power to restore the broken and to resurrect my dry bones that once lay in this valley of death. I trust His greater plan for me... He is my navigator... and thank God, I am never going back. Add New Comment: Comments Your marriage Submitted by Elsa (not verified) on Tue, 03/08/2022 - 10:20 Has your husbands feelings changed in these years? We are at a similar timeline. Sometimes when things are hard (running into the AP- lately) I fill with hate. It’s hard to separate hate towards my husbands past actions and hate of him. Those feelings are not prolonged, but unfortunately they still arise and cause damage. My husband (although with less emphasis on spirituality) feels as you do. That he is remade abs not the same person. I feel as though for me, I haven’t felt the same since of “benefit” of going through infidelity. I know I have a better relationship with my spouse and my family is better, but personally, I’m like you. Why is this part of my/our story. I didn’t hate my life before. I’m Not the same woman and In many ways not for the better. I feel that I relate more to you and what I imagine the AP were during the affair. Which saddens me. I don’t want to be a broken hurting woman, sometimes I think this is just me now. Like there had to be a transfer of brokenness in order fir my husband to be healed, and he handed it to me and now he’s better. It’s a lot of victim mentality to sift through and hold onto to God. I just wondered if your husband has made it past that. reply Beautiful..and tragic. " a Submitted by HISong12 on Tue, 03/08/2022 - 21:54 Beautiful..and tragic. " a transfer of brokenness ". Love that word picture.. yes. That is me. 5 years after the semi reveal. Another year of discoveries of omission, i saw a change in him, and embraced and forgave. Sadly, his spiritual growth is stunted. He's lied so much . I remain for my 3 little ones.. all.12 and under. Ready for Dry Bones to.come alive.. been singing that song for awhile.. but even harder than the knowledge of his years of unfaithfulness and lies to our family, is the reality that he may never empathize or do the work required to rebuild. So i am at a crossroads. So thankful.for this online ministry, thankful to be able to lead women in HH, in spite of all this. .He makes dry bones come alive in.many ways. When we share our pain, tears, hopes, and fears with others that healing begins, regardless of circumstance. Prayers for you to see fruit in the land of the living.. reply reply to Elsa Submitted by Nicole on Fri, 03/11/2022 - 09:34 As you know, I am not equipped to answer for my betrayed husband. But I can tell you from my prospective what I have seen and what I have experienced being with him. For many years, he said the same thing as you did above. How do you get redemption from this, but all I have is pain and scars left? He used to say that he is not a better person because of any of this, but worse, more angry and shattered. He did come to find that he wanted to move forward after sitting in the pain for all those years. He wanted more for himself and more for our family and made the choice to begin again with me. Mostly for our kids (so we didn't pass the damage of divorce to our kids) then eventually he came to want our relationship healed. I had to consistently show I was trustworthy and understanding and that my heart was not of the same caliber that it was when I was capable of betraying him. What most betrayed spouses can't see is that it wasn't about (you) the spouse, but the unfaithful spouse's lack of awareness that they need healing from the inside. The problem was within us, and when we fail to look at ourselves and truly acknowledge that, we hurt those that matter most. I had a hole the size of a cavern in my heart. I was incapable of seeing that the expectations and the "role" i gave my husband to meet all my needs, was not his to do. I was incapable of seeing how selfish and rotten I was. As much as I wish I could take it all back and do things differently, it was this devastation a big as a bomb that was required to change my course. I hate it and I wish I wasn't the reality (that I caused). My husband also found healing in being able to talk about his pain when he was triggered. Unlike you, we moved, so he wasn't staring straight into those "run ins" or daily triggers of the places, times and things. But he did have a lot that we took with us. It's inescapable and painful all day every day for a long time. (I hope you can read my two previous posts so you know more of our story) I talk about our conversations began to change and I was able to hear him and see him differently. I know that helped him move forward one step at time. When we were having the same conversations f(for 3 years) nothing changed for him, in fact it was more painful when I was unable to sit with him in his pain. I was unable to do that because I was dealing so much with my own shame. There is no true consolation for a betrayed spouse. Because even as I type this, he still had to wait in his pain alone (that I caused) until I could get my own healing on track (so more of my stuff that stifled his progress). I can tell you though, it's been 5 and half years and I can SEE AND HONOR AND LOVE my husband on a level I never thought was possible. He truly stuck it out and kept things together until we could both get back to a place where we could be restored. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how much he truly loved me (even in his hate) to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope this helps, even one footstep worth, for you. reply Adulterer Submitted by Clarice Grandpre (not verified) on Wed, 03/09/2022 - 21:25 Why is it the adulterer who chooses to do and/or be evil who so easily finds redemption? “I’m not bad I just made a poor choice”. “I may have committed adultery but I’m not an adulterer.” “I am redeemed”. Ha! reply Sounds like you need to own Submitted by Dennis Smith (not verified) on Thu, 03/10/2022 - 14:07 Sounds like you need to own what you did! it was wrong and there is no right in it period! You will never feel and I mean never feel what the betrayed spouse feels. So yes you are an unfaithful spouse cause of what chose to do. reply Redemption Submitted by Clarice Grandpre (not verified) on Fri, 03/11/2022 - 12:09 It was my spouse that committed adultery. After over 30 yrs together he chose to destroy and risk everything but committing adultery. He was 62 and she was 27, younger than 2 of our 3 children, (committed adultery in her other 2 marriages and having an affair with another married man simultaneously) and was his employee. Her last ditch effort to hold on to him was to get pregnant and he was aware of what she was doing but didn’t care as long as he could have one more selfish, evil moment. Now she has a third child to use to manipulate a third man. He has forever destroyed our family and knowingly created a life which is bound be abused and suffer. After D-day it was another 1 ½ yrs before all the bold-faced lies, half-truths, omissions were all revealed grudgingly. But he claims to be redeemed and is not an adulterer or bad but only committed adultery and made poor choices. He continues to lie and be a hypocrite. He turned to the Church to assist him in his healing but will not get his child baptized because she is an atheist (go figure) and he doesn’t want to make her mad. Sorry for the rant. reply reply to Clarice Submitted by Nicole on Fri, 03/11/2022 - 09:50 Clarice, thank you for your message. For me, this was not an easy course of action for redemption and I personally would never let an unfaithful spouse off the hook with as sorry an excuse as, "I made a poor choice". If an unfaithful spouse is not WALKING a road to redemption, and showing their empathy for the pain they cause, they are not redeemed. Simple USE of those sad words makes it hard for anyone to see what true redemption is. I am telling this story because it is worth telling. It took a lot of years, a lot of work, more prayer than I can quantify and much compassion, empathy and listening than I ever knew I was capable of giving. There was absolutely nothing easy about this and I have not discounted any single day of hell my husband walked through because of my actions. I invite you to read the two earlier blog posts so you can see part of the journey and why this is a testimony worth sharing. It is to help others, not to falsify or promote easy redemption, or to let ANY unfaithful spouse off the hook. I am sorry for the pain that was put on you, that was caused by choices in which you never got a vote. I know I will NEVER know that pain. I do want to honor betrayed spouses in my writings and give everyone hope for the healing of hearts and marriages. I hope to describe in detail where my hope for each day come from, so that others can walk a true road of redemption. Thank you for reading. Nicole reply Redemption Submitted by Clarice Grandpre (not verified) on Fri, 03/11/2022 - 12:22 Nicole, I have read all of your posts and do not doubt your struggles, hard work, sincerity nor your motivation to share. I am just still so hurt and broken despite over 4 years of work. It seems so unfair to me that the betrayed suffer and lose so much and the adulterers seem to “recover” relatively quickly and easily. Thank you for you efforts to help and your compassion and empathy. I will continue to read your posts with and open mind and heart even though my faith was one of the many things I lost. reply
