There I was sitting at my dining room table.

I was three days removed from “D-Day” and as the betrayed spouse, in a bit of a rough spot. My wife had left to go stay with friends for the week so we could both take some time to determine our next steps individually and as a couple.

As I was sitting at the same table where our family had eaten countless meals together, the thoughts of comparison kept creeping up in my mind. It was like a bad nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. For two days, I had been trying to find things to do around the house to occupy my mind, and I was tired. The inner voice was relentless: What did her affair partner have that I don’t?

I was in a state of denial about what was happening and how this all could have transpired. At that moment, I did what seemed right and turned to the internet for comfort. In my scrolling, I found a few articles and blogs about infidelity. Most of the information I found was not of a positive tone nor was it helpful in nature from a betrayed spouse’s point of view. Therefore, I just couldn’t seem to shake this amplifying question of what my wife’s affair partner possessed that I didn’t.

So there, at the dining room table, three days removed from discovering my wife’s infidelity, I couldn’t resist it anymore. About to erupt with emotion, I picked up my phone and fired off several texts to my wife in a fit of resentment: “What did he have that I didn’t?” “What did he provide you that I couldn’t?” “Do you love him more than me?”

I had no idea what response I was going to get, but I asked the questions anyway. Consequently, the response I got did not provide me the relief I was seeking, in fact it caused me a lot of pain. My wife shared a long list of things about her affair partner that she preferred as compared to me at that time. Unfortunately, this opened the door for me to compare every aspect of the affair to our marriage and every aspect of myself to my wife’s affair partner.

I would stay up at night wondering if everything we had in our years of marriage were as “happy” as the moments they shared throughout the affair. I became swept away by constant thoughts of comparison. Even during random times like watching TV or at my work desk typing, I would catch myself trailing off into thoughts of comparing our marriage to my assumptions about the affair. It was as if the affair voided all legitimate happiness or meaning throughout our entire marriage.

Comparison robbed me of so much joy and even made me question my best qualities as an individual in the weeks and months following D-Day. I found myself giving up all my personal power and even let my wife’s affair partner determine my self-worth at times. I compared every aspect of myself to the affair partner as if he were a proverbial measuring stick of who I should be as a person. I even lamented the fact that he was a bit younger than myself, as if reversing my age would somehow make me a more worthy husband. I spent endless months in a self-imposed comparison loop.

My hope is that this will help other betrayed spouses in this same position find some comfort. I encourage you to take some time in those moments of comparison and sincerely question if what you’re telling yourself is helpful. I was very hesitant to start seeing a therapist, but once I did, I found it incredibly helpful to speak with someone who was impartial and could help me work through my thoughts and emotions. I would suggest sharing your infidelity with a select few friends and family who you trust to support you throughout your healing. This support can be the single greatest asset during times of great internal turmoil.

Finally, I want to share some advice based on what I’ve learned from my own experience.

• Take some time to do something fun or find joy. It can be easy to fall into the same loop of negative thought patterns. If you can interrupt these thoughts by trying a new activity, hanging out with friends, reading a new book, or finding something that is new and exciting, this will help retrain your mind that it doesn’t need to remain in a heightened state of alertness. I wish I had infused more joy into my healing sooner as it truly did help reshape my recovery for the better.
• Don’t lose sight of who you are as a person. Being the betrayed spouse in an affair will undoubtedly make you question aspects of yourself at times and comparison will be a catalyst for this. As a betrayed spouse, I encourage other betrayed spouses to not lose sight of who you are as a person. In the end, it took me some time to realize that neither my spouse nor her affair partner can determine my self-worth as a person. That’s my job. It’s your job too.

Regardless of the outcome of your infidelity experience, you are valuable, and no event or person can change that! I am proud to say that after much focus on healing and personal work, I no longer fight this internal battle with comparison. It is possible to get through this and come out even better on the other side.