As I watch my daughter swimming in the lake, I see her head tilted back and face just barely above water. She is fully safe, and a strong swimmer but struggles with swimming in the lake with all the wind and waves working against her. I am quickly reminded of the time I felt I was barely surviving. Infidelity was an unexpected wave that tried to drown me. My head was barely above water.

There is definitely a survival mode that happens after D-Day. Managing emotions, protecting kids, counseling; really just attempting to fulfill any of my many responsibilities. It was exhausting, emotional and seemed to last a lifetime. In reality, a few months into trying to stay afloat, I was tired of just trying to survive.

I didn’t want to just survive marital betrayal. I didn’t want to just survive marriage. I didn’t want to just survive life. I wanted to THRIVE!

My mentor I was meeting with at the time mentioned an amazing perspective that truly allowed me to decide to thrive. During her 25 years of mentoring, she had seen many couples go through similar circumstances and her response was this, “Those couples who decided to work through this hardship, and commit to marriage, have some of the best, most abundant marriages I’ve seen ever seen and they are still thriving to this day.”

OKAY, I knew I was in! I was ready to commit to my husband and my marriage and I was ready to thrive.

My first step was finding my lifeboat. For me, that was Jesus. The waves of trial were going to continue in life but I knew I couldn’t survive the storm on my own. I needed to fully submerge myself in Him.

My next step was deciding I wasn’t going to make my marriage about me. I was going to honor my husband by serving him. I know,this is a dreaded word,but just hang with me for a minute. What if we can serve differently? So I decided I was going to serve him in 3 ways: Attitude, Action and Affection.

Serving through Attitude:

This was a huge shift for me. I couldn’t “fake it” any longer. My attitude towards my husband had morphed completely since we got married and after almost 9 years, I had a hard time relating to him. I was always irritated, inconvenienced or frustrated by what he said or did or really, just who he was. The truth was that I was just so hurt by him that I didn’t want to relate to him anymore. THIS HAD TO STOP. There was no hope for our marriage if my attitude sucked,and it did. My decision was to serve him with an attitude of grace. When he made a simple request, “Could you please make sure there are no dishes in the sink when I get home?” I did it.Not just the task, but with a heart of pleasure with a heart of service. When he asked for my help, I did it HAPPILY. When he needed forgiveness, I gave it freely. As my heart shifted I noticed that I was smiling more, laughing more and truly enjoying being around him more.

Serving through Action:

This next one takes some serious self -control. The whole concept behind this is simple, every negative calls for a positive response. I decided instead of just responding out of anger in hard situations, I was going to calmly and respectively respond “the right way.” Now notice, I did not say, “Be Right”, but respond right. When he was harsh with me with words, I would ask him how I could make it right with him. I would try to recognize quickly my portion of guilt and be first to ask for forgiveness. Even though I might only be a little wrong I would still ALWAYS own my part and ALWAYS ask for his forgiveness. This took some practice, but I started getting better at controlling my response and truly seeking reconciliation and not confrontation, our relationship truly started changing.

Serving through Affection:

This was the biggest one for my husband. This is more than just sexual connection with your spouse, but true affection. As we traveled down this road, I realized how insecure my husband was about the status of our relationship. He would always question: Is she going to leave? Is she still attracted to me? Does she even enjoy my company? These questions plagued his thoughts and drove a wedge between us physically. When I started to make an extra effort towards giving him assurance through affection, we started to get physically closer. Simple things like, holding his hand, putting my hand on his leg or even through words of affirmation. At first, it took a lot of effort on my part, mostly because I truly was still upset with him and didn’t want to show him affection. I didn’t think he deserved it. But again, I was committed to serving and I wanted to THRIVE.

The waves of marital trial started to settle and slowly our marriage started to thrive. As my response to my husband was kinder, more gentle and patient, his interactions with me became more calm, loving and respectful. Not only was I changing, it started a huge change in him. This weekend we celebrated 13 years of marriage. As we talked about our journey I was reminded of my mentors words so many years ago. I can truly say that I wouldn’t change our past of rough waters for anything, it is part of the reason we can THRIVE!

“Not so with you instead, whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave, for the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:26-28