I get it, and see the wisdom in all this. Problem is my partner hasn't. Years after, I still hear the false humility (usually expressed with clear resentment and sometimes blatant sarcasm) of "you deserve someone much better than me" shame & self-pity response, big defensiveness, or barely saying a word when I ask for feedback and aren't even pushing. This, despite having ensured my rage was self-regulated nearly all the time during most talks, even right after discovery!, because I'd already gotten fairly educated in what NOT to do. This applied whether a talk was about betrayal or any other relationship issue. It's only made a slight difference and only some of the time. All this wisdom and these protocols are lost on him, he won't play fair and can get over-stimulated and infuriated at the drop of a hat. Then the threats and immediate actions to abandon me often start.

He (willfully?) acts clueless about how to discuss things more calmly and maturely (yet of course is perfectly capable at this at work, so it's a choice). I keep wondering if he could see & hear how healed couples actually have regulated, calm discussions, if that might help teach him, better than whatever I do. I'd even love to see that myself, since I'm getting almost no practice at it under these sorry conditions. I wonder if you and Samantha might be open to demonstrating a specific "how-to" with some key examples? I suspect it could be immensely helpful to many of us who remain this stuck.