Are You Crazy For Being Willing to Forgive Your Spouse?

Submitted by Samuel Tue, 03/28/2017 - 08:42

Samuel answers the question of the betrayed spouse, 'Am i crazy for being willing to stay and forgive?'.

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Am I crazy?

Submitted by Amanda Casiano (not verified) on

I ask myself this question all the time!! I was one of those armchair quarterbacks before my husbands infidelity hit me like a truck. It was one of my deal breakers from the onset of our relationship. I said I would be done. But I'm still here almost 11 months later and there are days that I still ask myself am I crazy for staying and for fighting for this. And then there are other days when things are better and I'm grateful he's still here. I hope that in time with the help from affair recovery and our counselor John we met at the ems weekend and are now seeing on a regular basis, we can be healed and restored and then I won't have to ask myself that question anymore. Thank you Samuel for touching on this important struggle a betrayed spouse faces off and on after dday. You're blogs always seem to be just the topic I needed to hear when they come out! You keep me moving forward!

you're kind amanda

Submitted by Samuel on

thanks so much amanda.  truth is, it's normal.  and, yet there are days you want to run away and hide.  then there are days you feel like life is great and so peaceful.  there will come a time, soon when you won't ask that question.  you'll find a new joy and a new perspective and a new hope. it's building now and it takes time and momentum, but you're doing great and not quitting.  during the first year or even two, there are ample opportunities to quit and give up and run away.  but you h aven't.  so proud of you both.

 

I wish you had made the point

Submitted by hope2405 on

I wish you had made the point that forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT the same thing.

ive made that point several times

Submitted by Samuel on

hope2405, thanks for the comment and watching.  please know i make that point all the time quite often.  it's very hard to make every vlog not 9 minutes if you know what i mean.  you're right. it's not the same thing and i firmly believe that and state that frequently.  this vlog was also specifically to answer someone in crisis asking the question so thank you for your observation.  we also speak to that on the website, affairrecovery.com often as well. 

 

Thanks so much!

Submitted by dandscal on

I've been in a funk lately wondering this exact question and got on the website searching for answers! This vlog helped so much! We are 6 months out from the first D-Day. We've been to EMS weekend, I've completed HH and we are now in Married for Life. BUT, there are some days I am just so tired of all the work this is taking. I want my life back! I want to find joy again and I vacillate feeling like I'll never find it again with my husband.He is repentant and committed to healing himself and our marriage. He says he never stopped loving me, he was only trying to heal his own pain. Anyway, thanks for the video. It helps to know I'm neither alone in all this nor crazy!

Questioning seems to be an almost daily question for me

Submitted by Gallagher (not verified) on

6 years after D day and I still ask myself this question frequently. I don't believe I will ever fully heal from my husbands time in the dark country. Part of it may have been his 9 month journey of going back and forth before finally breaking it off. Although I understand how normal that it.

Part of it is his major recurrent depressive disorder which cycles through his being every year (and is a huge trigger because depression is what set him on the path of finding his "soul mate".

Depression also made my husband a contemptuous score keeping meanie. He can see now how depression robbed him of reality and tainted him to think his happiness was my responsibility. I do believe he is different and he is trying, but he will live with depression for the rest of his life and some times I think his depression starts to change me. I seriously have to get away from it for awhile (leaving for a two week Italy trip soon!!). And I'm not being unkind, he gets it. Depression is rough.

So I ask the question not only because forgiving him to keep our family together was hard enough, but staying with a person who struggles with recurrent depression, is no where close to easy. With my new career taking off and my last kiddo getting ready to launch, I will be asking that question from a different vantage point. Time will tell....

I would love to know if Samantha still grapples with this question? I believe you two are several years ahead of us. I suppose it helps that you're now such an advocate and resource for healing couples, she can see and believe you doing the work for the good of others. Boy, don't you wish you could somehow inject a pain hologram into a person's brain who is considering adultery. really give them two years of their spouses pain after they find out. Do you think it would help? Or do most of them have to dive in it in order to learn the lessons about their broken selves?

most of the time...

Submitted by Samuel on

often times, they need to experience it themselves.  the more you try and tell them not to, the more they will, like a child, do it and want to experience it themself.   samantha is incredibly grateful we stayed together especially when there is so much heartache out there from those that didn't make it and chose not to do the work.  is your spouse medicated at all for the depression? the fact is, many times unfaithful are so stubborn they just won't be told no and want to do what they want to do.  it's sad, but normal.  it's how they respond though after the fall that makes all the difference in the world.  i'm not sure if i've answered your question fully.  have i?  thanks for commenting and of course, watching. 

 

 

Not even married yet

Submitted by Tammyjo on

We aren't even married yet-our wedding date is April 30, 2017 & Im constantly struggling with whether I should go through with the marriage or not. I don't believe he had a physical affair, but there have been many inappropriate texts & messages & I even found him on a dating site once. I know he struggles with an addiction & I believe this texting/sexting thing is an addiction, but I still feel as if I have been betrayed just as if he had had a physical affair. We've been living as husband & wife for several months, so I believe in my heart that the commitment we made then is the same as if we'd signed the marriage certificate. I can't really share my struggle because no one else understands. They would insist that I not follow through with the marriage. its a lonely place to face struggles such as this alone. But thank the Lord, I found this website & your blog. God is the only one who can see me through this & understands my heart. Your videos have touched me & helped me understand more about both sides. Thank you. Just a side note: I hope Samantha doesn't mind my saying-you have such a soothing voice. I feel so calm when I listen to your blogs. God bless you & Samantha for your service to Him & us.

How do you thank the Betrayed for staying

Submitted by barry (not verified) on

Thanks Sam for another great vlog.

My betrayed goes over this a lot.

How would you advise me to Make it worth her decision to stay?

For me it's doing the work of recovery, personal counselling, changing myself that I'm not the man I was five years ago, being a great husband and father, love languages...

Any other ideas?
Perhaps this is an idea for a vlog?

good question barry...

Submitted by Samuel on

for me, i changed.  did recovery work.  owned what i needed to own.  then, as time went by, i would then own more.  for example, a few years in i would write a few letters or what not and share with her how i was so X and that now I see how i did so much to wound her and hurt her and that I wanted our marriage moving forward, to never look like that again.  part of it is being forever unable to share just how thankful you are and living with that humility which then affects forever the way you deal with your spouse in tone, respect, demenaor, expectations and P A T I E N C E.  often times i feel myself saying to myself, "wooooooooooooo samantha dealt wth so much, how are you making such a big deal out of x, y or z"  

does that make sense?  good idea for a blog.  i'll have to think long and hard on that one though.  hope i helped you in your question. 

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas