At some level, this post will be a bit controversial.  For some it will strike a chord of agreement, and for others it may cause some grief.  I get both sides, but my intention here is to encourage, while also offering insight from someone who has personally gone through infidelity as well as helps those who are currently trying to break free, heal and gain much needed perspective. 

Time after time I see a very well intending counselor, pastor or other clergy member attempting to give insight, advice or counsel to those who are going through this nightmare, yet they themselves have never been through it.  It certainly doesn’t mean they shouldn’t give encouragement, perspective and support, or even professional insight; however if they have never been through this sort of ordeal, it’s going to be hard for them to understand how this sort of trauma plays out. Many times, unfortunately, due to the limited perspective on how infidelity wreaks havoc upon the betrayed spouse as well as the unfaithful spouse, it’s not uncommon that things get worse.  What may work in traditional methods or in graduate programs does not work well when it comes to dealing with reminders, triggers, intrusive thoughts, addictions, “Limerance,” or trauma bonds (just to name a few).  As I alluded to earlier, what may seem like good advice when dealing with other marriage difficulties will not suffice for the intensity and the depth of pain that infidelity carries for all parties. 

Let me reiterate, it’s not that those very competent, very well meaning individuals cannot help.  They can most certainly offer support in the form of prayer, encouragement, (limited) perspective or perhaps even psychological or psychiatric care.  But when it comes to gaining momentum and clear direction as it relates to the specificity of infidelity, I would have to say you’ll need what we call ‘infidelity-specific” help from a professional who has been through infidelity themselves.   It’s one of the reasons why the EMS Weekend (and other various programs here) are so streamlined and ultimately so successful.  Whether it is the EMS Weekend or an online course, they’re designed and facilitated by three therapists who have been through infidelity personally and have lived to tell you (and teach you) about it.  Two of them have also been through divorce, so before you divorce due to infidelity, you’ll most certainly want their take on what life after a divorce will look like as well as clear cut insight on what it’s like to remarry while having the threat of infidelity in the back of your mind for your future.

The hard data on this insight I’m offering is not exhaustive, yet substantial. On a survey conducted by AR in 2010, they found that only 25% of those who sought counseling after infidelity found it helpful. That means 75% of those surveyed were still hurting even after seeking professional help.  I would highly encourage you, and really even plead with you, to get help from a professional who has actually been through infidelity and has several years of experience dealing with infidelity. 

You’ll find the programs here on the site to be extremely helpful, as well as the articles and opportunities to listen to some of Rick’s previous calls, read articles, and get assessments from the qualified staff of Affair Recovery.  While there are many marriage related websites out there on the web, very few of them have staff who have experienced infidelity and been through the process.  To save yourself from more hurt and frustration, get help from those who have felt what you’ve felt, seen what you have seen, and can provide a proven roadmap for recovery to you.  Even if you do it’s no guarantee you’ll see restoration, but the statistics are far more in your favor when you do.

For more information and some hard data on this aspect, please see one of Rick’s older articles found here:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-05-infidelity-counseling