The answer is, I don’t know. For me, it was a slow fade of unmet expectations, self-deception and immaturity which led to me finally one day say to myself, “I guess this is just the way it’s going to be….”

I stopped fighting and resisting the affair and simply decided to manage it and manage my image, my affair and my two very different lives. I think that moment was a very significant moment where I lost more of myself than I was able to comprehend. The affair and my own personal darkness would only intensify after that moment. Samantha would continue to lose me emotionally and mentally over the next year or so till D Day would come rushing upon us, August 26^th, 2005.

I still remember a cold rainy day in Austin, Texas where Samantha and I were in a session with Rick and she yelled at me “Where is the man I married….Where is the man who was in love with Christ and in love with me and in love with humility? Where is the man who I could trust and depend upon?”

I didn’t have an answer.

Is the spouse you married gone forever to indifference, resentment and self-deception? Maybe. Equally true is the fact that they may be still there, deep down underneath all the dysfunction, ready to sober up when the right help is applied.

The true me was there.

No one but Rick, and one other person, believed I was still in there: the shell of a man I once was. A sea of people believed there was no other me than this me, and I was simply always a liar and a cheat. They shouted, wrote on line, blogged and even counseled Samantha that she was sold a lie from day one. That I was never going to return to any sense of the glory she one day saw, and that this was the true me, exposed to protect her and the kids and so many others from ever loving and trusting me again. It was agonizing.

I was there. I know that I was. Yet the money, the success, the resentment, the self-deception, the rebellion, the feelings of inadequacy and unmet expectations had all done a number on me and I’m quite confident similar issues and crises have done a number on your spouse. Whether it be long term affair(s) or short term addictions, they are still there, probably lost as all get out and what’s worse is, they don’t even know it. They are probably buried deep down under the rubble and insanity of deception, but they are there. They’ve had to lie to themselves and justify things to themselves more than they’ve ever had to lie and justify things to you my friend.  

Now, I’m not going to give you false hope and say that if you just love them, they’ll come back. That’s not true. I’m also not going to say that they will be back when they get tired of their affair partner either as that’s not altogether universally true. What is true is the fact that expert help, a proper recovery timeline and a specific protocol to your situation will provide the mere opportunity to help get them to come home emotionally, mentally and yes even physically. I not only came home, but was able to experience transformation and Samantha was patient and merciful enough to welcome me back, while also experiencing her own transformation.

If you’re spouse has left you altogether and gone to be with their affair partner, I’m terribly sorry for that. I offer you the fact that just yesterday I spoke with a gentleman who left his wife, went through a horribly messy divorce, and has now come home about a year later. His wife has been open to restoration and is experiencing it, day by day, in ways she never thought possible. It’s not always the case, but it does happen far more than people realize or ever hear about. 

I know it doesn’t make your pain go away. I know it doesn’t make it all alright. But I hope it gives you hope to carry on simply for that fact that perhaps, there is change and there is similar transformation awaiting you and your spouse.

Till next time.