We are in week 9 of EMSO and i believe my ws still believes that doing the homework and attending the call is enough. He is trying and getting many things right on - but it is so inconsistent and during times when I'm struggling his response is laced with mostly self pity. He certainly exhibits remorse and ownership that 'his actions' caused the destruction we are trying to repair and He has demonstrated that he knows how to talk the talk and even walk the walk but it is still so inconsistent that I get frustrated and start to loose hope. He states he wants me and our marriage to survive but I believe he is feeling sorry for himself and hesitant to be 'all in' when he is faced with the amount of personal reflection and desire for change that is required to actually help to repair our marriage and accept ownership to help me recover. What do I do? I'm trying to be patient and realize it takes time but is that all I can do? it certainly is not going well when I try and point this observation out to him.

Wow. Beautifully said.

You could not have said it better. I am a betrayed spouse. It has been 18 months since D-day. I am doing better, but I am far from healed. My heart hurts deeply almost every day and I am still triggered often. I hope that doesn't discourage those who are early in their recovery. I know that some heal more quickly but I would agree that the timing and the depth of healing are very greatly dependent on the responses and steps that the unfaithful takes. My husband chose a very slow "trickle truth" process. I even learned something new just a few weeks ago. Each time there is a set back it feels like a go straight back to D-day, and that is horrible and very discouraging. On the other hand... my husband IS CHANGING and he is making attempts to help me HEAL... I so appreciate everything he does to help me heal and I wish I was getting better faster. His affair was 6 years. Some days I wonder if it will be 6 years before I feel whole. I hope not, but I hope that "if it is 6 or more years" that he will stay committed to the healing of our marriage. Not just the healing of my heart... but the healing of his heart too. Some times it feels like he is just waiting for me to stop crying and stop hurting. Much of that will depend upon him dealing with the root of whatever "got us here"... which is something that is broken in his heart or mind. That may sound harsh, or may even sound like I am somehow choosing to hold on to the pain and suffering. I am not. I long for the "joy filled" confident heart I used to have. I may never be the same person I used to be, and I am okay with that. But the marriage is what really broke... the marriage is BOTH of our broken hearts... and they both need to heal.