Janette, I hope not to offend you with this, but to offer my objective observation from your post.
It really sounds like there is resentment and bitterness. It has taken me 20+ yrs in this marriage, partial D-days, EMSO, lots of introspection, humility and a WHOLE LOTTA God to learn some things-
-resentment, if left unchecked, WILL grow into bitterness. Thing is, it may have started out as resentment toward your spouse's actions, etc. but bitterness is a weed that will not only impact thoughts in one area of life, it will impact your entire life and all of your relationships. It has taken me too long in life to truly grasp what others meant when saying, "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." Now that I am learning that lesson, it is spreading to other parts of my life, even 40 years back.
Holding onto those resentful thoughts and feelings is like embracing a porcupine while wearing a swimsuit; you're sensitive and raw feelings are on the surface and you're holding onto the very thing that keeps hurting you instead of letting it go.
I find that humility & empathy have helped me a lot in this area. Looking inward and seeing the ways I have hurt others, not just my husband(but God knows I hurt him plenty, whether unintentionally or even intentionally on occasion) and appreciating that foregiveness I've received (for me, as a Christian, God's forgiveness of me, and continuing foregiveness every day) helps me to be able to treat others, my husband included, the way I would want to be treated.
With regards to what I call the 'if he really loved me' factor- I have taken to looking at the whole situation from a mental health standpoint. They're not in their right mind. As one with ADHD, it may be easier for me to accept this. I have a very hard time stopping some things(hyper-focus) and conversely, I have a hard time getting started on something that I think may be time consuming or unpleasant. I have 'ignored' many things in my life, missed out on many things that I truly wanted, because of this. It wasn't a matter of me not wanting it bad enough, or not loving whomever enough. It's a combination of neurochemistry, learned behaviors, etc. when left untreated, it severely impacts me and those around me. I didn't know I even had it for quite some time.
Not until someone starts getting the appropriate help, be it therapy, medication, spiritual, exercise or diet that may naturally boost certain neuro chemicals, whatever; not until then are they going to be able to see and think clearly. We have all tasted some kind of something in our lives that we have a very difficult time saying no to- be it alcohol, a soap opera, pornography or sex outside of marriage, computer/phone games, social media, chocolate, (insert your own weakness here...). In these times, maybe we need to completely remove the temptation, if that's not possible, we have a counselor or an accountability partner to help us or sometimes we need medicinal treatment, ... You get the idea. I believe all of humanity has experienced at least one weakness that they simply cannot uproot on their own and need the help of another to gain control of it.
We are each broken, or flawed, in our own way, just like our marriages are broken or flawed. The difference is, in your own life, do you let that flaw define who you are and wear that label and allow yourself to be weighed down by it, or do you say to yourself, "This weakness doesn't define me or rule my life or mind. That mistake I made was a mistake and nothing more. This inability is only that; I may not be able to do it the way most other people do it, but I can find another way to get it done (even if that means with the help of another)"?
Don't hold onto those porcupines in your marriage. Let them go so you can embrace better things in life. Don't let them define your marriage. Don't live life looking in the rearview mirror if the past. Look at the present. Look occasionally at the future horizon so you can choose the best path and hopefully avoid any hazards. Look occasionally to the past just so you remember what to avoid now and in the future.
Appreciate who your husband is now, not who he was, nor who you hope he will one day be.
I know I want people to appreciate me for who I am now, not who I was or who they hope I will be some day down the road.