Thank you Samuel. I have read and watched many of your videos and blogs and find them very helpful. I believe my husband is probably struggling with these same three issues as you did. It's been 7 months since D-day and I am finally, with God's help, able to forgive but there are days when it's hard to remain focused on extending love and grace to a man who deceived me and betrayed me and who still acts unforgivable at times due to his lack of empathy for me. What helps is focusing on Jesus and his finished work on the cross and that I am imperfect as well. It's a real balancing act trying to be loving and careful about what I say so I can be safe for him to open up.

Anyway, I realize he is very unhealthy still and comes across as a 12 year old when it comes to intimacy. He doesn't even have a lot of insight as to why he let things get to the point of infidelity. Talks of escapism, that he still loved me, etc. I know he is dealing with shame but doesn't want to be pushed into recovery. He even criticizes me that I'm focusing too much on "this" subject.

He said recently "let's see if we can get along for any period of time before I will decide if I will take a recovery course" and throws in my face that I'm too this or that and just doesn't see hope, etc in a blaming tone and attitude. It's so frustrating dealing with him and his immaturity. At least he said he doesn't want to be that person again and promised to me before God that he will never lie to me again, i.e. if he gets to where he feels like escaping, etc that he will be honest, or has struggles with lust, etc that he will be completely honest with me.

How would you deal with him if you were me? I realize I can't force him into recovery. I did give him an ultimatum that he needs to participate with me because I need to know that he is serious about never going back to that darkness again. He got upset because we weren't getting along and said he should just start packing then, rather than stay and work at it. I'm still serious but am thinking I will just have to take things a little slower. I am trying to focus on being loving and affectionate and reaching out to him even when he doesn't with me. I am trying to look at it as he is doing the best he can at this point and believing that love will eventually lead him to the path of recovery. If it doesn't at least I did the best I could. I'm not dumb enough to think he wouldn't commit adultery or fall back into porn again if he doesn't face things rather than bury it all and not actively pursue healing and recovery. It takes God's grace to reach out in love to someone who hurt you deeply and struggles with having empathy for you. Thank you Samuel!

Samuel,

My husband and I are currently in the EMSO class and we are 3.5 months post D-day. He says up and down that he wasn't resentful towards me. He was happy with our life but the AP was just different. He fractured himself into believing that if he wasn't blaming me, or trashing me to the AP, and wasn't making negative comparisons (or any comparisons as he claims) then it was ok--it was compartmentalized.

Yet, at the same time, our life was starting to fall apart. I kept saying you don't feel present. You're acting like a zombie. Why are you always on your phone? To finally, you lack basic human empathy, where have you gone.

It was think final transformation that lead to my investigations and him being caught after a mostly emotional affair 23 plus months which turned intensely quote "mind bogglingly" physical the last month.
I feel like he's a bit in denial and I want to be in denial to. If he doesn't resent me, if he didn't resent me, then it's not my problem.

But I don't know how one can get so involved and enmeshed and so caliverly ignore the needs of ones spouse, let alone the vows, without some level of resentment.

Is he not thinking deeply enough? Is he still in denial? Or am I trying to force a narrative that's not there?

Samuel,

My husband and I are currently in the EMSO class and we are 3.5 months post D-day. He says up and down that he wasn't resentful towards me. He was happy with our life but the AP was just different. He fractured himself into believing that if he wasn't blaming me, or trashing me to the AP, and wasn't making negative comparisons (or any comparisons as he claims) then it was ok--it was compartmentalized.

Yet, at the same time, our life was starting to fall apart. I kept saying you don't feel present. You're acting like a zombie. Why are you always on your phone? To finally, you lack basic human empathy, where have you gone.

It was think final transformation that lead to my investigations and him being caught after a mostly emotional affair 23 plus months which turned intensely quote "mind bogglingly" physical the last month.
I feel like he's a bit in denial and I want to be in denial to. If he doesn't resent me, if he didn't resent me, then it's not my problem.

But I don't know how one can get so involved and enmeshed and so caliverly ignore the needs of ones spouse, let alone the vows, without some level of resentment.

Is he not thinking deeply enough? Is he still in denial? Or am I trying to force a narrative that's not there?