Samuel, thank you for your thoughts and insights. They are so helpful. I tend to think of my husband as the one who needs control and while this is true, I have noticed my need to "get it over with", "I need to know NOW", wanting to run because the thought of this recovery going on much longer frustrates and pains me to the point of lunacy. I have discovered I am not patient, need to know every detail and are not handling the unknown very well. I feel so out of control and have found that most of my marriage of 40 years I was deceived. I cannot go back and change or stop anything. It is out of my hands and control. I grieve greatly but a major part of my sorrow is that I must accept who and what my husband is and wait to see if he comes through or not. I must let go of what I thought my life was about, who I was, my memories, people, events. I am the type of person that needs everything in it's place and now the bomb has shattered everything into a million pieces that can never be put back together. The triggers spanning over 30 years of my life while affairs were being lived parallel to it is driving me insane. He won't go back to put the story together for me because he feels it would be difficult to figure it out. So I am left doing that work myself, deeply resenting him for trickle truthing me for almost two years regarding his 6 month affair before finally coming out three weeks ago with the ungodly truth of his 20+ year affair and 3 other affairs. He continued his affair behavior (lies and deceit) and didn't care about the anguish and excruciating pain he put me through to then throw me back to another more devastating D day. I know we probably won't make it, mostly due to how I see him now, for his cowardice and lack of love and respect for me even though I was willing to give him another chance. I know I have to surrender to an all-knowing and loving God but the grief keeps me from him at this moment. I want to give up control but really don't know how to respond to all this mess. A person in an affair loves how they feel and see themselves through the eyes of an adoring affairee. The betrayed see themselves through the neglectful, unloving, uncaring eyes of the betrayer. Wish it weren't so.